My husband wants to form a throuple with my BEST FRIEND

Dear Jane,

I have been married for fifteen years and I thought we were very happy. My husband has always had a fantasy of having a threesome, bringing another woman into our sex life, and although we haven’t, I have to admit I was a bit curious when I was younger, although we never acted on it.

In recent years, I’ve become less and less interested in sex, and we’ve talked about ways to light up our sex lives again (although honestly, I’d rather go to bed with a cup of tea and a good book). ).

Now, you’ve suggested that we bring my best friend into our sex life, talking about becoming a throuple. He won’t drop it.

She has been my best friend since high school, she is divorced and dating. She’s always been very sexually adventurous and he thinks she’s the perfect person, but I think our friendship could blow up. That I have to do?

Of, The three worries are a crowd

Dear Concerned,

There are two different threads here: one where you talk about a threesome or adding a third person to your sex life (swinging), and another where you mention that your husband wants a throuple, which is welcoming another person into his sex life. romantic life for a committed, consensual, non-monogamous (polyamory) relationship.

It may be that your husband is confusing your terms, because the two things are very different, and given your mention of sex and your lack of interest, it sounds like he wants A) sex, C) exciting sex, and C) to fulfill a fantasy. Although he would say that once he gets A and B, he might not be as obsessed with C.

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I suspect he wants exciting sex, rather than bringing another woman into his marriage on a much more permanent basis.

You mention that you’ve been curious about a threesome, and this may be what lights you up again. It’s very hard how our sexuality changes as we get older, and while I fully understand the desire to go to bed with a cup of tea and a good book, sex is an important part of marriage, especially for men, who tend to relate to the sex very differently.

For women, it’s often tied to our emotions and stems from feeling connected, but for men, sex tends to come first. As psychotherapist and relationship expert Esther Perel has said: “Women want to talk first, connect first, then have sex. For men, sex is the connection.’

So while I think it’s important to look at your sex life, there are many dimensions to marriage, and many people have figured out how to have great, rich, and fulfilling marriages without an abundance of sex.

However, it’s helpful that no matter what you choose, you’re both on the same page. The fact that you were once curious about threesomes means that you were once curious about sex as well. It may be that focusing more on your sex life, and what you (not your husband, but YOU) need to feel more sexual, will be enough to light up your sex life and, in turn, your sex life with your husband.

Having an active sex life and a wife who is interested in sex can put threesome desires on the back burner.

Either way, DO NOT bring your best friend into your sex life as a third, unless you want to find yourself looking for a new best friend and possibly a new husband.

Dear Jane,

I recently turned 54 and was officially declared postmenopausal by my doctor at a recent checkup. I was very lucky and only experienced a few hot flashes and night sweats over the years.

However, lately I find myself experiencing discomfort and pain between my legs, especially when using the bathroom, and I don’t know why. Do people reading online say it could be a symptom of menopause? Do you have any advice?

I would prefer not to talk to the doctor if possible, it’s too embarrassing!

shy

Dear shy,

How I wish we were more prepared for menopause and the many changes it brings. We all know about hot flashes, night sweats, and irritability (especially my husband), but nobody prepares us for vaginal changes.

There are a host of changes that happen to the vagina due to decreased estrogen, which can include vaginal atrophy: thinning, dryness, and inflammation of the vaginal walls. There is also painful bladder syndrome, which can cause discomfort, painful sex, general pain, and often symptoms similar to those of a UTI (urinary tract infection), including painful urination.

I wish we all knew what to prepare for, and I wish you wouldn’t feel ashamed.

What you are experiencing is enormously common. I have struggled with all of the above during menopause, as have most of my friends, and all of us were just as caught off guard and shocked as you.

But you have to see a doctor because there are a plethora of solutions, from estrogen rings to hormones to topical creams.

If you don’t feel comfortable with your doctor, you may find a urogynecologist you can talk to; they specialize in exactly these conditions and many are women.

I can’t tell you not to be embarrassed, but I can tell you that all a urologist or urogynecologist does all day is look at vaginas. It is the equivalent of us looking at a tree.