My husband of six years wants to open up our marriage so he can experiment with MEN – and I’m horrified

Dear Jane,

My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for six years. We’ve always had a pretty good sex life – healthy, consistent.

Maybe not the most passionate, but I’ve never been one of those people who thinks that the lust you have at the beginning of a romance really lasts all the time, so it never really bothered me.

But recently my husband has started to talk more about his fantasies where we are usually in bed with a third person. I thought it was him who spiced things up a bit, so I went along with it.

But he is now starting to talk about wanting to make his fantasy a reality – specifically by inviting another man to join us in the relationship.

He said he has always been fascinated by the idea of ​​being with another man, it turns him on and he doesn’t think he can go the rest of his life without embracing that side of himself. He even said he’s done some research on how to find someone who might be interested in a three way relationship.

I’m glad he feels like he can be open with me, but I’m also terrified of what this means for our marriage. Does this mean he doesn’t want me anymore? Am I not good enough? Or is he trying to tell me he’d rather be with a man but doesn’t know how to say it?

I don’t want to seem like I’m shutting down his desires but I feel so weird about the idea of ​​finding a random guy to sleep with us. And even more shocked at the idea of ​​sharing my husband with this man for a long time.

How do I support him without destroying everything?

By,

Three is a crowd

Dear Three’s a Crowd,

First of all, I commend you for being open enough to hear your man’s fantasies, and loving him enough to consider harboring his wishes, when this is clearly something most people struggle with.

I noticed that nowhere in your letter do you say you’re open to a threesome (and this was before you found out the details).

In fact, if you agree to satisfy his fantasies, you would make him happy and give him the experience he desires. Now that he wants to bring a man into your sex life, and perhaps into your relationship, it adds a whole new layer of complexity, one that you don’t seem to want to share.

Aside from the issue that he wants to explore with another man, the bigger issue might be what that means for your marriage.

Opening a marriage is something you should also want.

If this were the case, not only would it require great communication and trust between the two of you, it would involve setting clear boundaries.

You would have to think long and hard (no pun intended) about what you all would be okay with, what would be acceptable, what would be unacceptable. You should be comfortable with exactly what he proposes, not just to spoil him or keep him happy.

This is a tricky situation. He obviously loves you because if he didn’t I imagine he would be secretly experimenting with his sexuality. It seems that he loves you enough to be honest with you and wants to include you in this activity.

And you clearly love your husband enough to want to support him. You ask if this means he doesn’t want you anymore and would rather be with a man, a question only he can answer.

And if it’s true that your man might prefer men, he won’t be able to give you that answer until he’s explored that side of his sexuality. Whether or not you choose to do that with him is what you need to figure out.

Whatever the outcome, this isn’t about you not being good enough, nor about a failure on your part in any way.

Dear Jane,

I’ve struggled with broken relationships with my family for years, for a variety of reasons. However, a year and a half ago, it reached a new low.

My mother came to visit and charged her mobile phone by connecting it to my computer. Since then I have access to all her text messages in real time.

I already suspected that my family was gossiping and lying about me, so I couldn’t resist reading them.

Sure enough, I saw the horrible way I was portrayed and perceived by my family. I have proof of all the lies they spew about me. It was incredibly hurtful, but I couldn’t stop reading. Meanwhile, I pulled away from them even more because I saw the truth of who they are.

Despite the pain, I have kept the messages because I have always believed that there is nothing more valuable than the truth. Well, eventually the truth made me so miserable that I found the strength to remove them.

A year and a half later, my family still wonders why I isolated myself from them so much. Of course they have no idea what I saw and what I know.

I caught my mom in extremely hurtful lies, things said about me that I will never forget. At this point, while it’s so liberating to have the messages disappear, I don’t know how to proceed. It feels like a secret that makes me sick. I know it was wrong to read them, but it’s not like I looked them up and deliberately invaded anyone’s privacy.

I wonder if I should tell my mother the truth. I wouldn’t look good and I’m not sure she would ever forgive me. But at least she doesn’t have to scratch her head why I’ve distanced myself so much and why I’m so hurt. Would this do irreparable damage or would it set us both free?

By,

Painfully torn

Dear Painfully Torn,

I recently quoted Maya Angelou, and will again: “If someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”

You know who your family is and you know who your mother is. The only surprise here was to discover the lies they’ve been telling, and you did exactly the right thing by distancing yourself.

And you’re absolutely right about secrets – they get heavier and heavier as time goes by, and many would say that secrets are indeed a disease.

Which means you have to tell your mother. The fact that you read the messages after they appear on your computer is irrelevant here, I think.

If you can’t do this in person, write to her. Keep the letter short and simple, and keep it factual: You’ve asked why I’ve distanced myself, and I must now tell you the truth: Your texts have been downloaded to my computer, and I’m now aware of some lies being told about me. has been said.

I really believe that we should always give people the chance to admit their bad behavior and apologize. It certainly can’t get any worse between you two, but she has a chance to make it right if she wants to, and if not, you’ve set yourself free.