My husband managed all my money. Now that he has left me, what should I do? Money psychotherapist VICKY REYNAL answers

I am 42 and divorced my husband of eight years in 2023. My husband took care of our finances when we got married. Our joint piggy bank was invested and managed by him. We had a house together, which we sold and after the divorce I bought a small flat with my half of the money.

When we were married, my husband took care of everything from paying council tax and bills, to investing savings and telling me when and where to put money into an ISA, etc. Since we separated I have felt completely overwhelmed by the thought that I have to arrange it all myself! My half of the savings is not in my account. I don’t know where to start with pensions, Isas, anything. What should I do?

SW, Sint-Albans

Money psychotherapist Vicky Reynal answers: I meet many adults who have a great sense of shame because they don’t feel capable or capable of handling their finances. As if financial management is an innate skill! Most of us never learned about it in school, and in your case, while it sounds like your husband may have had some experience with learning by doing, you didn’t because he did it all.

So it’s no wonder that you worry about making financial decisions because you lack both knowledge and experience.

Research has shown that the less we understand about financial management, the more concerned we are about it. So the first thing to say is that your reaction is a natural (and not unusual) reaction to the situation you find yourself in.

It must also be said that many women in particular, who grew up in families where traditionally the father took on that role, may develop a misplaced feeling that only men can be good at it. Or maybe you simply identified with a mother who lacked confidence in this area and therefore you operate from this part of yourself when it comes to money (with a voice that convinces you that you can’t be any good at it).

If this was your family experience, this will contribute to the lack of confidence you feel.

But instead of saying to yourself, “I’m rubbish at this,” it would be more helpful to say, “I’m new to this and I need to learn more about it.”

And that opens up possibilities for you: if you can afford it, you can choose to hire someone to help you (a financial coach or planner); or maybe you want to take a course that will teach you how to start investing your money; or even read a useful book about it. You can also simply ask friends and family what they do with pensions/ISAs etc. to start gathering information. There are practical things you can do to become better and more confident at it.

Emotionally, I’ve seen women who are reluctant to take charge financially, at least in part, because they feel hurt/angry/resentful about what it means: that they now have to take care of themselves because there is no one else to do that for them.

Going through the often painful process of separation involves grieving many losses, and the loss of ‘dependence’ on another could be one of them, a loss that is difficult for us to let go of. We may now also resent having to figure out how to take on the tasks that were previously shared or delegated. Could that be holding you back too?

Take a look at these initially; maybe they can help you. For a financial coach see WiseMonkey (www.financial-coaching.co.uk, for investing – FemaleInvest (www.femaleinvest.com/en-gb/home) and books such as ‘What They Don’t Teach You About Money’, by Clear Barrett and ‘The Levelheaded Investor: Your expert guide to lifelong money mastery and financial security’, by Michael Aitken.

Do you have a question for Vicky Reynal? Email vicky.reynal@dailymail.co.uk

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