Dear Jane,
I’ve been a stepmom for ten years and it’s been a rollercoaster to say the least. But lately my husband has put me in an impossible situation, forcing me to put his son’s needs above those of the two young children we share.
Until a few months ago, my husband’s visiting schedule for his son meant that he stayed with us every weekend, something we were both happy to agree to as it suited our work.
But without any consultation with me, my husband suddenly decided that his son should stay with us during the week, which has thrown our lives into chaos.
My husband is constantly late for work because he has to drive 20 minutes in the opposite direction to take his son to school. He also just assumed I would pick up his son from school – even though he knows how much I love work.
Dear Jane, My husband accused me of not loving my stepson because I refuse to give up my own job and my responsibilities to my own children to take care of his child
I was stunned when he asked me and told him that it would be impossible for me to just quit my job – especially when our own children take the bus to and from school every day. But when I told him this he got so angry and said it shouldn’t be a problem for me since I work from home.
He does not understand that disappearing for forty minutes every afternoon is not possible. Just because I work from home doesn’t mean I don’t do anything all day.
He tells me my job is so easy and it should be no problem for me to drop everything to pick up his kid. But my job is not easy; it comes with a lot of responsibility and I am heavily relied upon.
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I recently set the boundary that if my stepson comes for a week, my husband will be solely responsible for picking him up and dropping him off. This led my husband to tell me that I don’t love my stepson; he accused me of not wanting him around and told me I’m the stereotypical bad stepmother.
It hurt my feelings, because that’s not true. He acts very cold towards me and it feels like he wants revenge on me.
He doesn’t help with our shared household chores. He told me to do it since I’m done working for him. I feel like he’s pushing me away. I brought up marriage counseling and he said he will never go.
I am very angry that my job is not taken seriously by my husband. My career means a lot to me, but so do my children, including my stepson.
I understand that my husband wants more time with his son, but we also both have to work. He gets in trouble for being late and he finds ways to blame it on me. I know I’m not the bad guy, but I’m definitely made to be!
What else can I do to get my marriage back on track?
Honestly,
The Wicked Stepmother
Dear Wicked Stepmother,
You ask what you can do to get your marriage back on track, and I’d like to ask you, why are you the one who is solely responsible for getting your marriage back on track?
Second marriages, with their various moving parts — not least of which are stepchildren, exes, multiple in-laws, and so on — only work when the husband and wife come together to determine how to handle the various things life throws at you.
The fact that your husband is making a unilateral decision to let his son live with you full-time (or so it sounds) is a symptom of a larger problem, one that has little to do with the immediate issue of caring for his son , but one of how you operate as a couple especially when it comes to communication.
Learning to communicate well and work as a team, supporting each other and respecting each of your individual needs is crucial to the success of any marriage, especially if stepchildren are involved.
This is not something you can think of together, so despite your husband’s reluctance, if your marriage is to survive, you need the intervention of a marriage counselor.
You two need to learn how to work together as a team, and I would like to be absolutely clear to your husband that this is the only way forward so you can figure out how best to work together and support each other.
Should he continue to reject the idea of therapy, I’m afraid my best advice to you would be to think carefully about whether this is the kind of marriage you want.