We hear a lot of great tips on how to improve our sex lives, says breathwork specialist Jamie Clements. ‘To start with: try this position from the Kama Sutra!’
But actually for many people the problem is not technology, but inattention. “It’s not a pleasure problem, it’s an attendance problem,” he says. We are distracted or tense.
‘Many of us are so much in our heads that we are not really there. We don’t really enjoy it. We don’t feel connected to ourselves or to our partner.’
The solution literally lies within ourselves.
Focusing on your breathing and slowing its pace can help you relax and come back into the moment
“The breath has a real power to help us feel more present,” says Jamie, the London-based founder of The Breath Space.
‘Part of that perceived lack of pleasure comes from being disconnected from the feeling. Breath is a very effective route back to connection with your body, with yourself and with your feelings.’
Jamie is aware that this will sound like hot air to some.
“I know how to breathe,” you may think. ‘I’ve been doing it successfully all my life!’
But his approach is that breathing is a lot like posture. There is usually room for improvement, and even the most subtle changes can be remarkably helpful.
There is so much it can do for us, especially in the bedroom. If you’ve ever tried to lose yourself in your loved one’s embrace—but your brain keeps reminding you of an email you should have sent—you might accidentally “forget” to breathe, putting your body under stress so that cortisol rises and passion decreases. .
Focusing on your breathing and slowing its pace can help you relax and come back into the moment.
Here Jamie explains how to reinvigorate your lovemaking…
1. Stop holding your breath at crucial moments
It is normal to feel tense and hold your breath during sex. We often do it unconsciously, especially in the moments before orgasm.
It takes away from the experience because in order to experience full pleasure we need to be in a relaxed state.
But the realization that you are holding your breath is the starting point. Once you realize you’re doing it, you can start changing.
2. Try nasal breathing
Keeping your mouth closed and breathing in through the nose stimulates the release of nitric oxide into the bloodstream.
Nitric oxide is a vasodilator and by relaxing and widening blood vessels, it improves circulation and lowers blood pressure.
That means it can improve sexual function – for men and women – because it stimulates blood flow to the places it needs to flow.
Nasal breathing also naturally slows breathing and keeps us relaxed. Breathe in through the nose, through the abdomen to the diaphragm.
Breathwork specialist Jamie Clements says breathing can do so much for us, especially in the bedroom
3. Imagine breathing deeply into your body
Increasing the depth of breathing during sex can put us in the optimal state to relax and feel pleasure.
If you are tense or preoccupied, your breathing is likely to be short, rapid and shallow, through the mouth to the top of the chest.
Breathing deeply, into the lower abdomen and pelvic floor, can calm you and enhance the sensations.
Although the breath does not physically reach our pelvic floor, visualizing ourselves breathing into that space can have a powerful effect.
(As if I were saying, close your eyes and focus on your right index finger – soon you may feel a tingling and pulsing in that finger.)
4. Sync your breathing
Especially in long-term relationships, sex can become a chore – you lose that spark, connection and depth.
Synchronized breathing with a partner can be an incredibly bonding and intimate experience. Sometimes it’s not even about the way you breathe together, but it’s about the act of deliberately sitting down, comfortably close to each other, facing each other – you may be fully clothed – looking into each other’s eyes, and at the same time slowing your breathing .
Place a hand on your partner’s chest or abdomen to create a physical connection, and then breathe through the nose, beginning to slow the breathing, in time with each other.
Try to inhale together for four seconds and exhale for six seconds.
As your breathing falls into a rhythm, your heartbeats begin to synchronize. It’s a simple and beautifully powerful practice to engage in as a couple.
5. Add this age-old practice
This is called ‘microcosmic orbit’, derived from Taoist philosophy, and is a simple practice.
Sit or lie down, close your eyes and focus on your pelvic floor. Then move your attention up through your spine to the top of your head and inhale slowly through the nose.
As you scan down the front of your body, between your legs, exhale slowly. And repeat.
You create a path around your body. Over time, with your breathing – inhale as you come up, exhale as you come down, combining slow, deep breathing with connection to different parts of the body – you create a cycle of sexual energy.
Macrocosmic Orbit is the partner version – it’s similar, but as you inhale, your partner exhales, and vice versa – creating a sensual flow together.