My father wants to set up pensions for my children. How can I convince him to spoil them instead? VICKY REYNAL has the answer…

My father is a wonderful grandfather to six children – all little ones under the age of 10 – whom I am raising together with my older brother.

Dad loves to play with the kids, but never buys them a present. He gave them all a pension!

We have a very open relationship so I’ve said he might like to see them happily playing with the toys he bought them but he says no it would mean more to him to know they’re together forever long after he’s gone.

He is a widower and I know my mother would have loved to spoil her grandchildren with gifts at Christmas and on birthdays and would have enjoyed seeing the happy faces of those children.

How can I convince him to treat them now?

Money psychotherapist Vicky Reynal answers: I think it’s important to acknowledge the incredibly positive things before we get to your concerns. You have a father who you have a great relationship with, who has a great relationship with his grandchildren. He plays with them, it sounds like he gives them time, attention, love, and money. Your father shows you and your brother a lot of generosity in more ways than just financially.

I think we should be curious about why part of you is angry that he’s not spoiling the kids.

Could this be about wanting to relive the memories of receiving gifts from your grandparents? Or maybe you never received gifts from your grandparents and want your children to have a different experience?

Ask yourself if you are angry about this because of your own desires rather than from the perspective of your father and your children. Or is it about your longing for your mother, missing her and what she would have ‘brought’ to your children (besides the toys)?

It is important that you respect your father’s freedom to be generous in his own way, as he may see you as controlling if you dictate how he should be generous. His generosity has a good intention – it is done in the spirit of giving something valuable to his grandchildren (and himself) when done this way.

It is not uncommon for grandparents to think about the legacy they want to leave behind, and so his giving in this way is not only good for the children, but it can also address his own fears, worries, or even just desires about the legacy he will leave behind. Your mother may have expressed her altruism through gifts, which is generous in a different way.

Money psychotherapist Vicky Reynal recommends asking yourself if you are upset because of your own desires instead of looking at it from the perspective of your father and your children.

He gives them the gift of financial security instead of toys. They will appreciate retirement (later in life) much more

You’ve already approached him and discussed this, which means he knows what you want, but he has a different opinion. He’s giving them the gift of financial security instead of toys (which I suspect they won’t be robbed of).

Children will remember and appreciate the time their grandfather played with them more than the toys they were given or played with. And they will appreciate retirement (later in life) much more than the toys that are long gone.

The most important thing is that he doesn’t replace love with money: he gives them both.

Do you have a question for Vicky Reynal? Email vicky.reynal@dailymail.co.uk