A year ago I lost my beautiful daughter, 21, to suicide. It was completely unexpected, and from the outside she seemed like one normal, nice and happy young woman. We knew she was worried about life and direction. but we never dreamed it affected her so much pain. She did it whilee I was in the house and discovered her. I tried, but I couldn’t save her.
I’m having trouble controlling my sadness. I would join her immediatelyt, but I have to be here to support my wife and my family, who are in just as much pain. I regularly wake up with nightmares from that day. My mood is generally Okay, but I know I’m putting on an act for people to get through the day, and I go to work to distract myself. Sometimes I want to yell at people to tell them how I feel, but I can’t. If I didn’t stay calm and try to act normal, I would just do that break down and cry and, I think, preferably die.
I am regularly told to go to someone and I have spoken to my GP, but I cannot imagine what a conversation with someone like a specialist can do. After a year it doesn’t get any easier.
I’m looking for advice, because I don’t dare talk to anyone about it.
I’m so sorry to hear about your daughter’s death. I could feel the pain and sadness in your letter.
I went to see psychiatrist in psychotherapy, Dr Jo Stubley at Tavistock and Portman NHS Trust, to discuss it. She found it interesting that you echoed what your daughter did by “making everyone think everything is fine on the outside and not letting them know how terrible you feel on the inside.”
Stubley said, “When you lose someone, sometimes it’s too unbearable to let them go, so you take them in. But what you’re also holding on to is the suicidal part of your daughter, and that may be keeping you from truly grieving.
Stubley and I discussed how letting yourself grieve feels like letting your daughter go. This is not uncommon. “Grieving her may seem like letting her go all over again, and that feels like a terrible thing to do, so it seems better to remain in a state of frozen grief.”
In your longer letter, it also seemed like you were carrying a lot of guilt – that you had been in the house, that you didn’t know, that you couldn’t save her. “The terrible thing about guilt when someone dies by suicide,” Stubley says, “is that there are unfinished conversations and you think if you could have just finished them, maybe you could have done something to stop that person.”
When an emotion is so great that it threatens to overwhelm us, it is tempting to try not to process it at all. But as you can see, that’s impossible without harming ourselves and the people around us. Men may find it more difficult to express feelings of vulnerability, as if it is a shame to cry or be sad. I wonder what you fear will happen if you shout and tell people how you feel. Maybe it would help them to help you?
You may not feel like talking right now, but that can change. Stubley thought you might consider listening to others who have been through what you are going through. It is important to know that you can not only survive this, but live through it and thrive without it being a betrayal.
“You may need to read about it (support and advice) before hearing about it from others,” she said, and then you may be ready to talk to your wife and others.
You may find it useful to listen to it Difficult conversations about suicidethe podcast I made with Stubley.
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Dr. Stubley suggested looking into online support, such as Sobbing – Survivors of Death by Suicide, Calm (campaign against miserable life) And Cruse, and also find out what local grief groups are available for you. She also recommended the great free booklet Help is nearwhich asked 8,000 people what was helpful and helpful after a loved one took their own life: “So much of what you struggle with, other people struggle with too, and they may suggest things you haven’t thought of yet.”
Grief and loss are huge emotions to process – and a year is not time at all. “People who have committed suicide are at greater risk of committing suicide themselves,” Stubley said, “and their support networks are one of the most protective factors.”
Take a small step today to get help.
In Great Britain and Ireland it is Samaritans You can contact the freephone number 116 123, or email jo@samaritans.org or jo@samaritans.ie. In the US you can call or text National Suicide Prevention Lifeline on 988, chat on 988lifeline.orgor text HOME to 741741 to contact a crisis advisor. In Australia the crisis support service Lifeline is 13 11 14. Other international helplines can be found at friendsers.org
Each week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal issue submitted by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets that she cannot conduct personal correspondence. Our general terms and conditions apply to entries.