The question I am writing to you about sibling rivalry. I am not sure what to do with my youngest brother, or indeed, if I should do anything at all. In the past he had a schizophrenic episode and was hospitalized and received psychiatric care for a while. He has recovered well and has gone to college.. Since graduating, he has been living at home with our parents and doing very little. He exercises excessively to maintain his fitness and mental health. He says he will volunteer, find a job or apply for further education, but he does not seem to have done any of these things. He does not see any friends and rarely goes out, except for exercise. He has no income and therefore contributes nothing.
I have tried to talk to my parents but my mother says she is very hopeful that he will get there and my father doesn’t want to rock the boat. They are both retired and are worried that he will have another schizophrenic episode so they are trying their best not to stress him out with questions about his future.
My other siblings share my feelings, but it is the elephant in the room that we cannot bring up. I have tried to accept it, but I find it hard when I visit them with my children that the situation just seems to continue while I work so hard to provide for my family and maintain a good social life. I feel like my parents allow him to have a half life where he does not have to grow up. I would like to add though that he is sweet with my children, but very defensive with me (as you would expect).
Philippa’s answer Your situation is delicate and complex, woven with love, concern, and frustration. Your desire to see your brother live a more fulfilling and independent life is commendable, as is any concern about the impact his situation may have on your parents. But patience, patience, patience.
It can feel more comfortable, easier, and quicker for us to persecute or patronize than to show empathy and accept. Think about it this way: if you announce that you have a cold and instead of sympathy, you are given advice about vitamin C, echinacea, and nasal douches, you are likely to feel patronized rather than comforted. The message here is: be with someone where they are, rather than trying to fix them. Try feel with rather than deal with it. If you’re more on the same page as your brother, it’s easier to talk to him about possible actions, but not if your frustration is seeping through. If you can talk from a place of love and concern, rather than from a place of sibling rivalry, it will feel easier.
It’s interesting that you experience this as sibling rivalry. He gets to be coddled and you get to be the adult. You seem to be against coddling! So I’m a little surprised that this is a concern. Or does your jealousy (because that’s what sibling rivalry is) give you information about what you need in your own life?
Do you need more pampering? Do you wish you were more taken care of than you are? Are you loudly independent when you really want more support and help? Do you believe it is wrong to be dependent and yet you long to lean on others more? Maybe challenge this belief and enjoy leaning on others when you need it. We are not weak for asking for help – we all need each other. We are here to help and be helped.
Your brother’s mental health is fragile, but you can’t “see” mental health the way you can see a physical disability, so you think, “Why isn’t he there, contributing to society?” But he is contributing. He can relate to children, that’s contributing. He’s doing things to help himself by keeping fit, which will help.
I expect that when you are with him, you feel resentment and become rigid, he feels it and is defensive towards you. We are generally not at our best around people who do not accept us for who we are. Feeling inadequate around people because of how they treat you does not do much for our self-esteem. See if anything changes when you soften up and put aside your judgment and expectations of what you think he should do. Some of us take longer than others to internalize that parental safety and love. Your mother has faith that this will happen and by being a safe, loving, accepting person, you can make sure it does.
Remember, he doesn’t have your mindset, he has his own. He gets on board with your children by tuning in to them – he understands where they are and meets them there. If you could learn the skill of tuning in from him by observing that, it will be easier to imagine how he feels and then you will be able to get along with him better.
Aim for a loving relationship with him rather than a directive one. I think he may have things to teach you. If you allow his influence, he will be more likely to be open to yours.
Every week Philippa Perry tackles a personal problem submitted by a reader. If you would like advice from Philippa, send your problem to askphilippa@guardian.co.uk. Submissions are subject to our conditions