My widowed grandmother, at 77 years old, is quite young at heart and is in a relationship with a 41 year old man.
She is happy and says that he is not after her money, but that we as a family are terrified. My grandfather left her in comfort and we fear she may be kidnapped and left in poverty. Or maybe her boyfriend is after our inheritance, which would be significant.
My parents want to organize an intervention, while her three adult grandchildren (including myself) think this could alienate her so that she never speaks to us again. We don’t know what to do – what do you think?
CW Edinburgh
Annette Bening and Jamie Bell star in Don’t Get Old in Liverpool, about a woman’s romance with a much younger man
Money psychotherapist Vicky Reynal answers: It is understandable that you are concerned and want to protect your grandmother from possible manipulation. I don’t think this is an either/or situation, because you either have to intervene or you don’t say anything.
I think you’re right: a strong family “intervention” might make her feel connected and, as you say, alienate her. This requires a more delicate conversation, perhaps involving one or two family members approaching her.
The language should be tentative and not accusatory (“you’re naive” or “he’s after your money”) so that she doesn’t immediately get into a defensive position. You want to make it clear to your grandmother that, out of concern for her, you want to make sure she takes care of her finances and does not expose herself to inadvertently giving away more than she is comfortable with. This is different from saying “he’s cheating on you” or “he’s taking advantage of you.” It’s tempting to make strong statements when we don’t feel like we’re being heard, but you risk having the opposite effect.
You could use the third person to make your grandmother aware of scenarios she might consider, “it’s not unheard of for people to start using their partner’s credit cards without their knowledge” or perhaps “there are professionals who can help you advise on the best way to protect your finances’.
Let’s be clear: Obviously you’re insinuating that you feel her partner has exploitative intentions, but it’s still a gentler way to be direct than making accusations that may or may not be unfounded.
But also listen. Your grandmother may have considered all of the above and already dealt with it in some way. Maybe she has already taken precautions, or maybe she has idealized this man and is denying the risks. It’s also possible that she is fully aware of the risks and still wants to pursue this romance and enjoy the happiness and companionship it brings her now, knowing that if there are consequences, she will have to deal with them later to get.
Ideal? No, but ultimately the choice is hers.
In fact, that could be exactly why this is all happening: as we get older and we worry about the potential loss of autonomy that comes with an aging mind and body, she could be making a powerful statement to the family about the fact that she still has agency and agency in her life and she’s not willing to give it up. This young boyfriend could be a way to hold on to her youth and her freedom.
If your grandmother wants to leave her entire inheritance to her younger friend, that is her prerogative. You and the rest of the family may find it outrageous and feel deprived and angry, but we all have the right to make our choices – even if it means living with the consequences. For the family, it’s about finding a balance between raising awareness of certain risks, without becoming controlling or judgmental.
Do you have a question for Vicky Reynal? Email vicky.reynal@dailymail.co.uk