Mum Nicole cried when she met baby Ellie for the first time… and it continued for 547 days. She just didn’t ‘love her like they said she would’

Nicole Cousens cried for 547 days, immediately after her beautiful daughter was born.

Excited to welcome baby Ellie, Nicole knew something was terribly wrong when she met her long-awaited bundle of joy for the first time.

Instead of being “overwhelmed with love” as she thought she would be, she had a very different and confronting thought: “What the hell have I done and how do I keep this thing alive?”

The 34-year-old first-time mother from Perth had fallen deep into postnatal depression, with no apparent way out.

She knew her headspace wasn’t quite right, but every Google search told her she was having the “Baby Blues,” which typically subside a few days after delivery.

But as the days turned into months, she began to despair.

“I thought I was a terrible mother because I didn’t love her as expected,” Nicole told FEMAIL.

Four years later, she and her daughter are best friends and she is finally the fun mom she always wanted to be — but it took a while.

Nicole has been so scarred by the profound mental health crisis she experienced for two years that her dreams of having two children, a pair of pigeons, have been shelved.

The crawling feeling she got when she heard her baby’s first cry contrasted with her desire to protect her at all costs. She told her partner Shayne to always keep an eye on her.

Nicole gave birth via C-section, but remained positive the entire time, just like during her glorious ‘sunshine and rainbows’ pregnancy.

‘I was so naive that I thought growing older would be easy. “I thought I would be the fun mom who would make toys and do my own baby sensory activities,” she said.

She was “strangely relieved” when she was released from the presence of her young daughter, who was on fluids at birth and had to stay in the NICU for a while. There they also noticed holes in her heart and a ‘clicky’ hip that they wanted to keep an eye on.

“I went in and saw her every day, but it wasn’t like she was home and I had to take care of her,” she said.

But this also affected their ability to bond, as did the brace her daughter came home with that kept her hips straight until they developed properly.

In retrospect, postpartum depression was obvious: there were indicators everywhere. Even her previous mental health issues indicated this could develop.

Nicole’s mental health prevented her from being the mother she thought she would be, or having the enlightening pregnancy period she had dreamed of.

Instead, she sat at home, experiencing sensory overload every time her baby cried and believing she was the worst mother to ever exist.

“I just didn’t know what she needed,” she said.

She doubted her ability to feed the baby or keep her happy and safe.

“Shayne was even able to figure out what she needed much faster, knowing when she was hungry or tired or needed her diaper checked. I just couldn’t figure it out,” she recalls.

Nicole mourned the confident woman she had once been and the dream of motherhood she had created during those “perfect” months of pregnancy.

“I thought we would be sitting in cafes, I was so looking forward to maternity leave and a 10-month break,” she said.

She was even relieved when maternity leave was over and she had to return to her government job.

At least there she knew what she was doing and whether she was doing it right.

‘It has improved our relationship. I missed her when I was at work and thought about all the fun things we could do,” she thought.

Nicole didn’t realize that the darkness she was facing was postpartum depression, or how common it was.

Specialist pediatrician Dr Daniel Golshevsky, better known as Dr Golly, explains that perinatal mental health problems affect around one in five mothers.

‘Having a very restless baby or a history of psychological problems increases the risk of suffering. There are many symptoms, but feeling numb or sad, as well as excessive crying, anxiety, fear or worry are some of the most common,” he said.

The numbness, fear and sadness mentioned by the doctor were all always present with Nicole, but came to the fore one day when she and her now husband, Shayne, were buying an air conditioner.

“I didn’t want to go home because she was there and that meant I had to take care of her,” she said.

‘We were in the car and I burst into tears. Poor Shayne saw me crying all the time but didn’t know how to help.’

Shayne held her and promised that everything would be okay, reminding her that he was there and that they were a team.

The next time her feelings got the better of her, Nicole was alone. Ellie’s cries sent her into a rage.

‘I screamed and shouted – not at her, but in general – I was shaking. “I called my mother and admitted I needed help,” she said.

That phone call brought the family closer.

‘She had a difficult birth, together with me and my twin sister. and admitted her own struggles with parenthood. “She was from the generation where it wasn’t talked about,” she said.

Nicole has been working on her relationship with Ellie every day, and it’s getting easier now that the youngster can talk about what she wants.

She says sending her to daycare where she knew she was safe also helped with her mental health.

Now she and Ellie are inseparable.

Nicole wants other women to realize that they are not alone, and that if they feel the crushing weight of depression and anxiety after birth, it could be something more sinister than the ‘blues’.

Nicole and Dr. Golly are both doing push-ups this month to raise awareness about mental health.

“The most important thing to remember is that if you need help, help is available,” Dr. Golly said.

PANDA has a national hotline 1300 726 306 and is a great starting point for any parent seeking advice