Mothers love their children; they do everything for them. That is what we are told.
But I don’t think my mother ever loved me. She certainly didn’t seem to care about me — or my three younger siblings — the way other mothers did.
She never hugged us or showed us affection. It wasn’t until I had my son, now 28, that I realized what a mother’s love should look like. Instinctively I knew I would die for him.
On the other hand, my mother — who died eight years ago — made me feel unlovable. I was never good enough for her.
My first memory of her criticizing me was when I was only six. As I playfully paraded in front of the mirror, she said, “You’re getting fat—you’ll want to see it!” It was the first of many derogatory comments about my body.
Experts estimate that one in twenty people in Britain has symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder
Over the years I realized that my mother was not just selfish or uncaring. After researching the subject, I learned that she most likely had Narcissistic Personality Disorder, although it was never formally diagnosed.
Everything in our family revolved around her. Our job was to reinforce her exaggerated self-image. And my father, an Aer Lingus executive who died three years ago, always took her side. It took me 20 years to muster the courage to turn my back on my mother and cut off all contact. It was the only way to save my sanity.
When I first started sharing my experiences about ten years ago, I had an enormous response; since then I have spoken to thousands of women with similar stories and founded Daughters Of Narcissistic Mothers to help others like me. Over two million people have visited my website and I have written four books on the subject.
While I have no professional training as a therapist, it is clear that there are experiences common to everyone who has dealt with the effects of a narcissistic mother.
Experts estimate that one in twenty people in the UK has symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder, meaning many of us are living with such a parent.
Below are ten questions you can ask to determine if you have a narcissistic mother.
Does she celebrate your successes?
It is normal for mothers to enjoy our accomplishments. But narcissists have such an exaggerated sense of self that they cannot stand being second best.
Women have told me that even at their graduation their mothers were the best and bragged that their diploma was better.
Narcissistic mothers have such inflated self-esteem that they can’t stand being put second, writes Danu Morrigan
When I told my mother that I had won a prize for one of my novels, she smiled smugly: ‘Well, on my side you are related to James Joyce, so that is not so strange.’
In those few words she managed to ignore all my hard work and determination. It wasn’t just unkind, it was trash—a fantasy born of the fact that her Irish grandfather bore a passing physical resemblance to the writer.
Does she offer support in difficult times?
If your mother is a narcissist, she has so little empathy that she has no idea what you need. One woman told me how she was crying on the phone listening to her mother after she had a miscarriage. Instead of offering a listening ear, her mother said, “You have to stop crying. This is hard for me. I lost my grandchild and you are making me even sadder.”
Do you feel confused after being with her?
Narcissists truly believe that they always know best and can never bear to be wrong. Being raised by them is like living in a hall of mirrors. Nothing is what it seems. A form of gaslighting, they will swear that black is white, and if we dare to protest, they will accuse us of having a ‘vivid imagination’ or that the problem lies with us.
I had terrible fights with my mother and the next time I saw her she denied they ever happened. ‘You’re just being oversensitive,’ she snapped.
They make you doubt your own sense of reality and spending time with them is exhausting.
When Danu told her mother that she had won a prize for one of her novels, her mother said: ‘Well, you’re related to James Joyce (in the picture) on my side, so that’s not surprising’
Does she have any favorites?
Narcissistic mothers fall into two categories: Neglecting mothers like mine who are so self-absorbed that they ignore their children, or Engulfing Mothers who see their children as extensions of themselves. The Engulfing Mothers may have a Golden Child who can do no wrong, along with a Scapegoat who gets blamed for everything. This is usually the child who dares to question her.
Does she respect your personal space?
Did your mother read your teenage diary? Did she barge into your bedroom without knocking? We all know that teenagers can be difficult. But narcissists have an excessive need to control those around them. I’ve even heard of mothers who removed their children’s bedroom doors.
How did she behave at your wedding?
If there’s one thing narcissists can’t resist, it’s the chance to overshadow their daughters. That’s why weddings are catnip for them. When I got married, my mother didn’t care that the red dress she picked clashed with my purple and cream color scheme.
I didn’t expect it, because she and my dad had said they would save my mom’s outfit as a ‘surprise’ for me that day.
Fortunately, I discovered the plan in time to challenge her. She only reluctantly agreed to wear a different outfit when my father—unusually—insisted. But she never forgot it. A few years later, when Princess Diana wore a purple-and-red dress, she pointed it out to me.
Princess Diana attends an event in London wearing a red and purple chiffon evening dress in June 1988
Does she blame you when things go wrong?
Narcissists expect to be recognized as brilliant, even if they don’t have the accomplishments to prove it. Daughters may be blamed for everything that went wrong in their mothers’ lives. “I could have been a world-class opera singer if it weren’t for you,” was what one guilt-ridden child revealed her mother told her.
My mother was a heavy smoker and tried to quit on several occasions. She never succeeded. But she didn’t blame her own lack of willpower; instead, she blamed us kids, telling us that we made her life so difficult that she needed cigarettes to cope.
Does she build you up, and then tear you down?
Because everything only matters to the extent that it affects them, narcissistic mothers often balance between praising their daughters and belittling them when they become jealous.
In their eyes, someone who is admired is ignored. And if we grow up and threaten to overshadow them, all hell can break loose.
One daughter told how, when she was 14 and began attracting admiring glances because of her long blond hair, her mother sent her to the barber to have it all shaved off.
Is she holding your children hostage?
I’ve lost count of the number of women who have told me about the devious ways their mothers try to get the attention of their grandchildren.
It is normal to spoil your grandchildren. But narcissists take it way too far, pushing their daughters aside so they can take the top spot in their grandchildren’s lives. It is common for narcissistic grandmothers to refer to themselves as “my baby.”
It can be especially destructive as children grow older. I know grandmothers who undermine their daughters to gain favor, by letting them drink at home or buying their love with large handouts.
Is she a fan of fauxpologie?
Fake excuses are a favorite trick of narcissists.
What she says here sounds like an apology, but she doesn’t take responsibility for her behavior.
For example, a narcissistic mother might say, “I’m sorry you’re upset,” or “I’m sorry you didn’t think I was a good mother,” or “I’m sorry you can’t take a joke.”
In each of these examples, she is not acknowledging her own mistakes. The problem is your anger, your thoughts, or your lack of humor, never her actions.
How To Go No-Contact With Your Narcissistic Mother by Danu Morrigan (£10.99) is published by DLT Books (daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com)
As told to Tessa Cunningham.