My dementia sufferer mother has been paying my brother thousands. I feel jealous and worried – should I confront him? Money psychotherapist VICKY REYNAL replies

My mother has dementia and is also a widow, but still lives in her own home. After her diagnosis, I moved nearby with my young family so I can keep an eye on her. Before my mother developed dementia, she gave me power of attorney – mainly because my younger brother works abroad and is rarely in the UK. I now have access to her bank account and can see that she has paid thousands of pounds into my brother’s bank account over the past year. She never mentioned these payments, and neither did he. I’m afraid he’s talked her into giving him money, or she’s doing it without fully understanding it. I also feel extremely jealous. I provide all care on call, but I don’t get a cent for it and I wouldn’t want to either. Should I confront him? Furthermore, I have a nice, if not distant, relationship with him.

I’m afraid he’s talked her into giving him money, or she’s doing it without fully understanding it. I also feel extremely jealous. I provide all care on call, but I don’t get a cent for it and I wouldn’t want to either. Should I confront him? Furthermore, I have a nice, if not distant, relationship with him.

S, Devon.

Money psychotherapist Vicky Reynal answers: Yes, I think you should confront your brother. First of all, because your relationship with him will inevitably be affected by this discovery: whether you confront him or not, what you know will be difficult to keep out of your mind because it has stirred up feelings. You say you’re jealous, but anger and mistrust can also be close to the surface. The same goes for your relationship with your mother; it can be difficult to continue to care for her with empathy when part of you worries about the possible reasons she so generously gives to your brother.

Secondly, and especially if your power of attorney includes the management of your mother’s finances, you may have a duty to ensure that no ‘financial abuse’ occurs as you suspect. Financial abuse is defined as limiting one’s ability to acquire, use, and keep financial resources – so taking money from your mother without her full understanding or consent would be an abusive behavior that you would want to expose in order to protect her. to protect.

One thing you haven’t thought about yet is whether your mother voluntarily decided to deposit the money into your brother’s account. It is not unusual for parents to treat their children differently and the differences can extend to financial support. In my experience, although the children often interpret this as ‘that clearly means they love my brother or sister more’, the explanations are often much more varied and complex. Sometimes parents give more to an adult child whom they have always seen as ‘the most vulnerable child’, or to the child who has greater financial responsibilities (for example, they have more children). Yet parents sometimes unconsciously repeat patterns from their own upbringing, patterns in which one child received preferential treatment.

You cherish your relationship with your brother, so how you confront him matters. You’ve made hypotheses about what might be going on, but don’t let them turn into accusations. You can start calmly and explain that you see these regular transfers to him and wonder what that’s about. You may also feel fear and anxiety during that conversation, which can affect your listening skills. So make an effort Real hear the answers given because your mind will try to fast forward to an answer as it tries to rid you of the fear.

While it may seem scary to start a conversation that could end up affecting your important relationships, and part of you may want to leave things as they are, the reality is that those things have already changed. You will do the right thing.

Do you have a question for Vicky Reynal? Email vicky.reynal@dailymail.co.uk