Therapist reveals the most common reasons people cheat – and the questions to ask that could save your relationship

Sex is one of the most vulnerable things you can do with another person.

And maintaining great sex requires extreme vulnerability — so communication is key. A sense of humor doesn’t hurt, either.

So whether you’re sharing your fantasies, dealing with your inappropriate libidos, or dealing with cheating (you or her), speak up! It’s hot.

But what are the reasons why people cheat?

Not everyone shares the same definition of cheating. Does flirting count? What about porn? I have a personal opinion, but that doesn’t matter. It’s your decision. What really matters is that you and your partner are on the same page about what a cheater is.

That’s why I highly recommend talking about cheating soooo early in the relationship. I see so many couples come into my office because they were too scared to talk about it.

So stop what you’re doing, look at your cute sweetheart and ask, “What do you think cheating is and how can we get on the same page in the future?”

And also! Don’t cheat. Cheating is stupid.

Let’s look at some common reasons why you might want to cheat and what you can do about them before you cross unsurmountable boundaries.

1. You don’t feel sexually satisfied

It would be a lot less disastrous if you were to openly say that you want to satisfy your sexual needs, instead of going through the mental gymnastics required to cheat.

2. You feel like you have no power in the relationship

If you feel the urge to cheat and you’re not sure why, take a step back and ask yourself if you think the relationship has a fair distribution of power and agency. If not, you may be trying to compensate by betraying your partner.

3. You experience the ‘real you’ with someone else

This is the most common reason I see with my clients. When you’re with someone else — someone you’re also attracted to — and you can express a version of yourself with them and not with your partner, you may feel like you want to have sex. I would encourage you to tell your partner that you want to be more authentic in the relationship so that you can meet that need without jeopardizing your future.

4. You think you deserve it

This one borders on megalomania with a touch of narcissism. That said, most of us have at least a little bit of this energy inside of us. It’s our job to control this internal little narcissistic crybaby and remind ourselves that even though it may feel like we’re the main character in a world that revolves around us, our actions have consequences and it’s not okay to hurt the people closest to us.

5. You feel like your emotional needs are unmet

Being seen by someone who FINALLY meets your emotional needs is a huge turn on. But you know what would be even cooler? If you gave your partner the chance to meet your emotional needs.

6. You think the relationship is ‘practically over’

Unless it’s actually over, it’s not over. Period.

What if you’ve been cheated on?

In my experience, many couples can get over infidelity, so don’t automatically feel like you have to end it.

To help you decide, ask yourself the following questions:

1. How does my partner feel about his/her actions? Have they shown genuine remorse and taken responsibility?

2. Can my partner indicate what prompted him/her to commit this act?

3. Is this a one-time mistake or a recurring pattern of behavior?

4. How has this infidelity affected my self-confidence and self-esteem? Am I staying with them out of love or out of fear of being alone?

5. How much do I let my friends and family influence how I feel or what I should do about the betrayal? How will our relationship dynamics change in the future and am I okay with that?

6. Is this relationship still consistent with my personal values ​​and boundaries?

7. Do I feel capable of truly forgiving them and moving on? Am I willing to do the hard work of rebuilding trust and repairing the relationship?

8. What do I need to feel safe again?

In short, sex is incredibly vulnerable and involves all kinds of complexities.

Remember that you are not alone and there are many resources available to help you navigate any difficulties you may encounter on your sexual journey. Just like a giant, wildly colorful, full back tattoo of a phoenix rising from the ashes (IYKYK), it is never too late to change.

Inappropriate wish

This is an incredibly common challenge. One of you wants to have sex, and the other one doesn’t? Welcome to a relationship! It’s something that almost everyone has to deal with at some point.

Whether you’re the high-libido partner or not, with mismatched desire, it’s especially important to recognize that each person has their own unique turn-ons and turn-offs. Open communication and empathy when discussing these differences are incredibly important.

If you can create an atmosphere of safety and trust in the relationship, you can brainstorm together and create an environment that promotes intimacy, pleasure, and fulfillment for both of you, while respecting each other’s desires and boundaries.

This is how you get through periods of changing desires.

1. Normalize the Discrepancy: Understand that it is completely normal for couples to experience differences in desire. Recognize that desire can fluctuate over time and vary from person to person. Don’t panic or be judgmental.

2. Foster Emotional Intimacy: Strengthen your emotional connection by spending quality time together, participating in activities you both enjoy, and showing empathy and understanding. Emotional intimacy helps create a safe environment to explore your sexual relationship, and sometimes that’s a huge turn-on!

3. Explore non-sexual touch: Add touch, cuddling, and affectionate behaviors that aren’t necessarily sexual in nature. It may seem counterintuitive, but this can help create a sense of intimacy and closeness, regardless of your differing desires.

4. Be flexible and creative: Be open to trying new things and experimenting with different sexual experiences. This can help you discover shared interests and new ways to enjoy physical intimacy together, even if your desires aren’t the same. What’s your kink? Don’t have one? Google it or ask an AI bot to list a bunch of them and see what tickles your Twinkie’s (sorry) fancy.

5. Seek professional help: If you find that the discrepancy in desires is causing significant stress or conflict in your relationship, consider seeking the help of a qualified sex therapist or counselor.

Extract from Great dating energy: How to Create Lasting Love by Accessing Your Authentic Self by Jeff Guenther and Kate Happ, published by Voracious.