More vampires need to play with their food
Even vampires deserve treats. One of the many sacrifices people make in exchange for eternal life in vampire history is taste. They can only eat one thing for the rest of their long lives, and that is something metallic, salty and sinister. We all know this. We accept this. But vampires shouldn’t give up texture either. So in 2013, filmmaker Jim Jarmusch was brave enough to create a vampire with the vision of turning that blood into something delicious to eat: Eve and Her Blood Popsicles in Only lovers are still alive.
As a millennial woman, I’ve consumed more than my fair share of vampire stories. I grew up enchanted by it interview with the vampire. Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight book and film series fell into my lap on the heels of another fantasy series that, um, doesn’t need to be named. Then there was True Blood, the vampire diaries, binge watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer on the then new app Hulu. Only once did drinking blood ever seem tasty to me. I once did that chased away to suck blood, and that’s thanks to Eva.
In Jarmusch’s moody encounter comedy, Tom Hiddleston and Tilda Swinton play vampires named Adam and Eve (don’t worry about that), who have been spouses for centuries and reunite when Adam is in a certain state of boredom. He has an affiliation with a local blood bank, so he doesn’t have to commit murder. But Eve gets experimental. In an attempt to surprise and cheer Adam, she freezes some O negatives. Very refreshing, especially if you’re in a “hot spot,” she says. Now Hiddleston enjoying ‘blood on a stick’ is in itself a finger licking good image, but it isn’t That kind of thirst blog. Hands to Lilith, this is the first and only time I’ve felt represented on screen by a fictional vampire. This is exactly the kind of thing I would do if I were undead. I like eating popsicles. I love making popsicles.
Have you ever been in a situation where you had limited ingredients at home – due to money, studies, a thunderstorm or a pandemic, for example – and had to get creative to avoid eating the same thing every day? Imagine that, plus immortality. Shouldn’t vampires be constantly messing around in the kitchen trying to spice up their lives? The titular cannibal op Hannibal enjoyed sanguinaccio dolce, an Italian pudding, with human blood instead of the traditional pig’s blood. You can’t tell me Lestat wouldn’t be interested in that.
Vampires are inventive and even prolific in many ways. In literature, film and television, their fighting styles vary. They choose to spend their daytime hours in different ways. You can always count on a fictional vampire to experiment with fashion. But no food. Whether the story is romantic or gruesome or a bit of both, we usually see vampires feeding on fresh human blood by sucking directly from their victim’s neck or wrist if they’re polite, or from the femoral artery if they’re nasty . It can be scary or erotic, but never particularly tasty. If a vampire doesn’t want to To kill, and we have enough gloomy and gloomy faces in popular culture, they will find more palatable methods. The immortal teenagers The diary of vampires drink blood-filled IV bags such as Capri-Suns. Baz in Carry On by Rainbow Rowell series, interview with the vampire‘s Louis de Pointe du Lac, and the “vegetarian” Cullen family in the Twilight series hunt animals. Yet they drink from the well. There is no sense of pleasure. There’s no flair.
I can think of some notable exceptions. On Buffy the Vampire Slayer, the vampire Spike hints at improving his blood with burba weed for flavor and ground up Weetabix for texture. We see him do it at least once in season 6, so we know it wasn’t a dry joke (hard to tell with those Whedon types). What we do in the shadows also has a bit of fun. The vampires can get high from the blood of people who use drugs. They can mix blood with Bud Light and get drunk. Yet that is not very elegant or inventive. I expect more from them.
Others simply deserve an honorable mention. The glamorous antagonist known only as the Countess in the 1985 sex comedy Once bitten drinks a glass of blood with a celery stalk. Occasionally you see vampires drinking their blood from a glass of red wine or a bottle. Presentation is important, so I appreciate that. Romantic comedy by Amy Heckerling Vampires mixes it up by having Krysten Ritter stick a straw into the rat which she sucks dry. That’s (a) gross and (b) boring! And Real bloodis of course built around synthetic blood that vampires can buy in bottles and drink ‘out’ in society. However, many vampires continue on Real blood prefer the real product and usually drink it in the usual way. Russell sticks his hand into a human’s chest cavity and pulls out his heart, but he apparently can’t be bothered to prepare his food.
Come on! Where are the foodie vampires? I know that Hollywood’s best and brightest can do better. What about blood foam? Blood soup is already a dish in many cuisines. There are many foods that are cooked with blood, such as black pudding or coq au vin. Where is the beating, roasting, curdling and congealing? Show me a vampire who starts the day with a steaming cup of hot blood. I don’t understand why you couldn’t make freeze-dried astronaut blood for an afternoon snack. If popsicles are possible, why not a bloody shaved ice, slushie or sorbet?
I don’t think I’ve ever seen a vampire lick a rare steak. Let’s face it: being a vampire looks fun! Except for drinking blood, of course. That could change. If vampire fiction is here to stay, we owe it to them to give them something beautiful to eat instead of just someone looks good to eat.