Mood swings or a new gym habit: The signs your son has a porn addiction that every parent must look out for, by a top psychosexual therapist
Every parent of a boy age 11 or older needs to be aware of the uncomfortable truth: If his son isn’t already looking at porn, it’s only a matter of time before he starts.
After all, children are enormously influenced by their peers. If their friends vape, they want to try it too. And if they talk openly about the porn they saw last night, your son will want to know what all the fuss is about.
I am a psychosexual therapist who provides one-on-one guidance every week to students at a private boys’ school, but also in a private practice.
The confidential nature of these sessions allows the boys to talk to me about their porn habits – and the impact watching it has on their health and mental wellbeing.
This can be profound. It’s not just that porn distorts teens’ understanding and expectations of sex. It can also damage their sense of self, both physically and psychologically, because it creates insecurity about body image.
Of course, it’s completely normal for teenage boys to experiment with their sexuality. But porn is addictive because of the way it triggers the release of the feel-good hormone dopamine, and casual viewing can quickly become a harmful compulsion.
As with any addiction, help is available, through NHS or private counselling. Many schools are also recognizing this as a growing problem and employing experts like me to work with their students.
But in order to get your son the right professional help, you must first notice the signs that he may have a problem with porn. Here are some things to look out for…
It’s not just that porn distorts teens’ understanding and expectations of sex. It can also damage their sense of self, both physically and psychologically, because it creates insecurity about body image
Mood swings
Watching porn becomes an emotional crutch for some boys because it can help them distance themselves from things they find disturbing by distracting them from it.
Say they had a hard day at school, or someone they like rejects them – watching porn can help them get over that.
It can also improve their mood. Pornography stimulates the pleasure centers in the brain and provides a powerful dose of dopamine.
But the more someone relies on porn to feel better, the more their dopamine levels will go up and down – with their mood following the exact same pattern.
Mood swings are, of course, a normal part of adolescence. But they are often much more extreme when related to addiction.
Extra privacy
Let’s be honest; if your son is watching porn, he is almost certainly masturbating. Obviously he will need privacy to do that.
You might notice that he spends excessive periods of time in the bathroom at odd hours, or he may ask for a lock on his bedroom door. He might even resort to pushing furniture against it. Aging boys obviously have the right to privacy.
But there’s a difference between that and someone who isolates themselves from their family for extended periods of time because they’ve become obsessed with porn – especially if they resort to extreme measures to avoid being disturbed.
Samantha Marcham is a psychotherapy counselor and co-author of Porn Bomb: What Every Young Person Needs to Know About Pornography (pornobomb.co.uk)
He stops doing his hobbies and seeing friends
Watching porn is often a lonely pastime. If you notice that your son is not only withdrawing from the family, but also spending much less time with his friends, he may be caught in a dangerous cycle of behavior.
Pornography can be an isolating and vicious cycle. The more isolated a boy becomes, the lonelier he is likely to feel and the more attractive watching porn becomes as a way to numb himself to his unhappiness.
Where once he could have cheered himself up by spending time with friends or participating in team sports, porn becomes his all-in-one solution – and one that will only send him into a tailspin.
Sudden interest during exercise
Young boys naturally compare their own physiques to the athletic bodies of the adult men they see on camera, which is bad news for their body image.
Every guy who has shared with me his concerns about the amount of porn he watches has also shared how concerned he is about his body not being masculine enough and about the size of his penis.
If your son suddenly starts exploring ways to gain weight through diet and exercise, he may be trying to look more like the muscular men he sees having sex online.
Loss of trust
Guys who watch a lot of porn become desensitized to what they see. They may then find it harder to get aroused and so turn to more extreme porn, which will become increasingly dirty and violent, with the people involved being horribly humiliated and abused.
Being sexually aroused by this can strongly conflict with their morals and values. They probably know what they are seeing is wrong, and yet it turns them on.
This creates strong feelings of shame, which will manifest by appearing very quiet and miserable.
If you’ve noticed that your previously extroverted guy has lost his self-confidence, the cause could be that he’s worried about what kind of person his enjoyment of porn has made him.
The use of derogatory, sexualized language
The porn industry generally does not make films that treat women with respect. So if your previously courteous and kind son starts becoming rude to girlfriends and family members, or you hear him use derogatory language toward women, this could be a warning sign.
If you notice a sudden increase in swearing, it could also be normalized by what he’s watching online.
Fatigue and general malaise
Children who are addicted to watching porn are not only moody, but also often tired from lack of sleep as they stay on their phones until the early hours of the morning.
They will also have no motivation because they will wake up feeling foggy and depressed because they stayed up late chasing the dopamine hit that porn gives them.
Their teachers may comment on a sudden lack of focus in the classroom; you could also feel that they were always a little confused, but without actually having a clearly recognizable illness. Many of the boys I speak to describe a general malaise, often blamed on their growing dependence on porn.
Samantha Marcham is a psychotherapy counselor and co-author of Porn Bomb: What Every Young Person Needs to Know About Pornography (pornobomb.co.uk)
As told to Rachel Halliwell