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Millie Farrow was 10 years old when she had her first panic attack on the football field.
As he progressed through the Chelsea academy and England youth setup, it was something that would continue to happen throughout his childhood and teenage years. Only now can he talk about how it has affected the last 16 years of his football career.
Farrow’s book, Brave Enough Not to Quit, details her struggles with anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), as well as managing career-threatening injuries.
Now playing in the United States with the North Carolina Courage, Farrow is in a good place. But it has not been an easy road.
Millie Farrow was 10 years old when she had her first panic attack on the football field
“When I went to high school my anxiety was really bad and I started having all these weird rituals and things I used to have to do,” Farrow tells Sportsmail.
“I felt very overwhelmed and had a kind of nervous breakdown and things with my mother, with my parents. That went on for a period of time and it got to the point where I was only 14 and I told them ‘there’s something wrong with me’. I’m not okay, I don’t know why I’m thinking the way I am, I don’t know why I feel this way.
Farrow was referred to therapy but found it difficult to talk about a condition she knew little about and was struggling to understand herself.
“I turned pro when I was 19 and my OCD and anxiety were shocking. It almost derailed my career. I had to seek all kinds of different help.
It has had a great effect on my football. I was at a camp in England and I had to go home because I was struggling so much. And I went to the doctor, and I basically had a nervous breakdown and I told him about OCD, but I felt like he didn’t understand.
“Later that day I ended up meeting with Mo Marley, who was the trainer at the time and she was very understanding and I felt, I felt embarrassed and embarrassed. I felt like he was letting me down because I couldn’t control the thoughts in my head.
In addition to struggling mentally, Farrow had to overcome tearing both ACLs in his knee. The first came during the FA Youth Cup final when he was 15, while the second came at the start of his professional career.
“I actually got to a point at one stage in my career where I felt like the universe was telling me not to be a footballer, because all these bad things kept happening,” says Farrow.
As he progressed through the Chelsea academy and the England youth organization, it was something that would continue to happen throughout his childhood and adolescence.
“I don’t want to be one of those people who says ‘oh if this didn’t happen then I could be here or if I didn’t get injured then I could be there.’ I don’t really look at things like that anymore. I found that never helped me.
‘Once I understood that, I was able to start to see things more clearly and I could almost settle down in my head and be more accepting of who I was and be more understanding of myself.’
After recovering from a second ACL injury, Farrow joined Bristol City before spells with Reading, Leicester, Crystal Palace and London City Lionesses and the forward admits she found it difficult to settle.
I have been to many different clubs, but I think when you have so many interruptions during your development, you obviously miss football a lot and to be able to continue playing for big clubs, you have to play regularly and perform well. It was hard for me to jump from one club to another because it was almost like trying to find the perfect fit.’
But an opportunity he couldn’t turn down presented himself last year when American club North Carolina Courage called.
“Playing in the United States has always been something I’ve wanted to do, it all comes down to whether or not the opportunity is there and luckily it was and I was able to take that leap.”
Farrow joined Bristol City before spells at Reading, Leicester, Crystal Palace and London City Lionesses and the striker admits she found it difficult to establish herself.
Farrow scored Bristol’s fifth goal during their WSL 2 match against Oxford United in 2016
‘It’s a huge stage to play on. I hope I can take everything I’ve learned and apply my experience to that situation and put the past behind me.
Farrow is feeling more positive than ever and hopes that sharing her journey will help others who may be struggling.
“I didn’t stop and I didn’t quit and it led me on a really positive path of being able to tell my story.
‘I feel really good about myself right now. I am grateful to be able to share my experiences.’
Brave Enough Not to Quit, by Millie Farrow, with Kate Field, available February 13 from Pitch Publishing.