I’m from Melbourne and I stayed in Sydney for 11 days and it sucks. I can’t get back home quick enough, writes PAUL SHAPIRO

“But what about the beaches,” they say.

Yes, the beaches, it’s the standard response from Sydneysiders when you tell them that Melbourne is in fact the superior city.

We also have beaches in Melbourne and depending on where you live in Sydney, the beaches in my city are closer and easier to get to.

Besides, no one really likes the beach, they just pretend to love the beach, everyone actually hates the beach.

You have to drive there, somehow find a parking spot, lug 20 kg of stuff along a mile walk in warm weather, put your stuff down, put your feet in the water for two minutes, sit on a towel and pretend you read a message. book, then walk back warm and feel sand in every crevice, drive home and pretend you had fun.

Now that it’s been established that everyone hates the beach, what does Sydney have over Melbourne?

Answer: nothing.

Kyle Sandilands is a ratings success in Sydney, but not in Melbourne… hmmm, what does that say about you?

I, like any true Melbourne loyalist, absolutely hate the hellhole that is Sydney, but I’ve always given the city credit where credit is due.

I always maintained that Sydney had the better Chinatown and although I was depressed about my upcoming extended stay in the dreary Harbor City, my misery was offset by the knowledge that at least I would be able to indulge in my favorite Chinatown food court and have a meal can devour. new laksa every evening.

Oh, how wrong I was.

The food court was closed and I couldn’t find a decent Malaysian restaurant or laksa despite exploring the city with a fine-tooth comb.

I remember a time when you could walk blindfolded across Haymarket, throw a stone and hit a decent laksa tent.

Where are the laksas? Show me the laksas!

In Melbourne, our Malaysian cuisine is plentiful and high quality, and it is the laksa capital of Australia, despite media reports suggesting otherwise.

Then the weather.

‘Our weather is better,’ say Sydneysiders.

No, it’s not.

It’s always humid, at least during my eleven days here.

I shower and freshen up in the air conditioning, but by the time I make the nine-minute walk to the office, I desperately need another shower.

It’s also raining heavily on my only Saturday here, so I sulked back to my apartment and watched the races (which I can admit racing in Sydney is better than Melbourne and Everest is the best race in the world).

Speaking of piss, the coffee in Sydney is rubbish.

I’m not a so-called Melbourne coffee snob, but the coffee I drank in Sydney was pure cat piss. After five days of failure I bit the bullet and went to Starbucks and even their coffee tasted worse than normal.

It’s like Starbucks selling a brew just to cater to Sydney’s inferior coffee palate.

Then distances.

Everything is Sydney is so far away.

Sydneysiders somehow think that a 90-minute commute to and from home and work is a reasonable journey.

If someone in Melbourne had to travel 90 minutes to work, it would probably make the front page of the newspapers.

Lifestyle is better in Melbourne.

Wow, the Opera House, Sydney Harbor Bridge, saw it once, that’s enough, I’d rather see Venom 3 in the cinema.

Sydneysiders are lamenting the lockout laws they claim have killed the city’s nightlife, but who likes going to nightclubs anyway?

Nightclubs are like beaches; no one likes going there, but they do anyway.

Standing in line for half an hour and paying for watered down vodka in a packed zoo cage, yes, what a great time that is!

Melbourne has its fair share of sad nightclubs, but our pub culture is a bit quieter, the food is better, the people are better dressed, they especially like a bit of banter, we have Australia’s national sport, AFL, to talk about, our chicken parmas are great .

Melbourne invented the dim sim and we are home to the South Melbourne dimmy, we also know how to cook them right.

Sydney has no decent dimmies or pub food, other than $15 slop steaks and 12 buck schooners from Tooheys and Hahn Superdry.

What is the best beer in Australia? Answer: Melbourne Bitter with VB not far away.

You see the name… MELBOURNE Bitter!

I recently went to Subway out of desperation as I couldn’t find any decent food anywhere in the CBD.

I arrived around 7pm (the store closed at 9pm) and they had stopped serving meatball subs.

If a Subway in Melbourne stopped serving meatballs at 7pm it would run out of town… Melburnians demand and expect quality and if you don’t deliver, you’re done.

To be fair, everywhere in Sydney’s ghost town CBD closes ridiculously early, so I wouldn’t rule out Subway.

But Melbourne’s CBD operates virtually 24 hours a day.

We have the famous Greek joint Stalactites Restaurant right in the CBD, serving lavish banquets until 2am in the morning.

Do you want a pizza or a noodle at three in the morning? We’ve got you covered.

Where’s the pizza in Sydney? Show me the pizza!

Now, I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking, how can this man make a proper assessment of Sydney when he’s been wandering around the CBD for eleven days.

Well, I can’t, but honestly it wasn’t worth it to go to a nearby suburb with a bit of character and community.

I envisioned an arduous 30-45 minute commute to get anywhere decent, but I wasn’t sure the time and effort would be worth it.

In Melbourne you can get to hotspots like Chapel St South Yarra, the Inner West and Footscray in 15 minutes by train or tram, and even in the Inner East, Richmond and Hawthorn, it takes hardly any effort.

I haven’t even told you about the mecca in Melbourne’s magical north, where old-fashioned migrant families mingle with the young and trendy.

Within 10 minutes you can reach Brunswick or the best park in the world, Edinburgh Gardens in Fitzroy North.

And I wouldn’t even dare drive in Sydney.

What an absolute cluster@#*% it is, bridges, tunnels, absolute psychopaths taking life-threatening risks and every street is one-way.

Sydney, do you realize you can drive cars in both directions on the street? Check it out, it might be worth following up…

I was crossing at a zebra crossing recently and an irate Sydney driver (who could blame him) almost urged me to run over the lines, if given the chance he could have run me over.

And he wasn’t the only motorist who tried to catch me.

Maybe they felt I was from Melbourne or something.

But I’m not hostile Sydneysiders, so before you pull out the knives and come for me, know that I’m an empathetic Melburnian.

I feel your plight and invite you to come to my hometown and see for yourself what you are missing.

And if you decide to return, feel free to take what made Melbourne great and unleash it on Sydney – so we can put an end to this silly rivalry once and for all.