So who is Number one?
That’s the burning question as Meghan Markle has launched the first offering from her lifestyle brand ‘American Riviera Orchard’: jam in a jar, covered with muslin wrapped in a bow, meant to feel artisanal, authentic and aspirational, the debut of which is limited to 50 rations.
How do we know there are only fifty? Well, it seems our Duchess has hand-labeled and numbered this run as if her jellies are priceless works of art – no doubt they are in her eyes – on par with Hockney, Hirst and Hunter Biden.
Who received that coveted first pot – Oprah? Anna Wintour? Kim K? – has yet to post on Instagram or otherwise reveal himself.
In fact, 47 of the 50 recipients have yet to publicly acknowledge this most anticlimactic of merchandise drops.
Can they be ashamed? Not impressed? On Ozempic?
Or perhaps they, like decent people everywhere, find the timing of Meghan’s launch more inappropriate than normal, given that the Princess of Wales and King Charles are both battling cancer. Maybe they’d rather not use their platforms to offer sticky sandwich spreads and sticky jeremiads.
So, who is number one? That’s the burning question as Meghan Markle has launched the first offering from her lifestyle brand ‘American Riviera Orchard’: jam in a jar, covered with muslin wrapped in a bow, the debut of which is limited to 50 rations.
Our Duchess probably labeled and numbered this series by hand as if her jelly works of art were priceless works of art – no doubt they are in her eyes – on a par with Hockney, Hirst and Hunter Biden.
We all expected something more than the meager thanks from just a few people who aren’t even famous, right?
Tracy Robbins, wife of Brian Robbins, president and CEO of Paramount Pictures, wrote Tuesday, “Thank you for the wonderful basket! I absolutely love this jam so I’m not sure I’ll share it with anyone’.
On Tracy’s Instagram, the jar – ’17 of 50′, with the brand new label already peeling off one side – remained otherwise closed. How could Tracy possibly attest to the excellence of this jam? Was she present in Meghan’s test kitchen?
On a related note, Meghan this week began filming her Netflix show about “the joys of cooking, gardening, entertaining and friendship,” reportedly in an undisclosed location that is definitely not her Montecito mansion.
Doesn’t that say it all? Meghan welcomes you to her home and hearth, not hers.
How wonderful that Tracy Robbins is on Meghan’s exclusive list, as the couple met months ago as guests of Brian Robbins at the premiere of ‘One Love’ in Jamaica – a premiere where Meghan and Harry sat several rows back, because a film that no one has seen since.
Those A-list friends are shedding like so much spring pollen.
Delfina Blaquier, wife of Argentine polo player and Harry friend Nacho Figueras, also showed off Meghan’s generosity on social media on Tuesday.
Alongside a photo of the spread on toast – as if these people are eating carbs – Blaquier wrote: ‘Strawberry jam makes me happy. And I love your jam, @AmericanRivieraOrchard.”
Weak praise. On the other hand, Blaquier was only number 10 out of 50.
Delfina Blaquier, wife of Argentine polo player and Harry friend Nacho Figueras, also showed off Meghan’s generosity on social media on Tuesday.
Kelly McKee Zajfen — a mom-fluencer and former model whose work may be unknown to most — is, as of this writing, the only other beneficiary to publicly acknowledge Meghan’s jam. Her jar was labeled No. 3.
Number one had to be Oprah without a doubt. Who else could it be?
Oprah lives down the road in Montecito, attended Harry and Meghan’s wedding and then held that excruciating meeting where Meghan claimed the royals were racists – but call her Duchess!
Oh, what new disappointment Meghan may now suffer. One can only guess at her star-studded list of giftees, the fantasies she harbored about which vaunted celebrity would post which superlative.
Light stars, enemies and hard enemies grouped together – I imagine – like…
The Girlpower Team
Gwyneth Paltrow, Greta Gerwig and the woman who has known Meghan for five minutes and still calls her ‘Glo’ – that’s Gloria Steinem for us.
Beyoncé, who randomly texted Meghan one day to say — according to Meghan, in that ridiculous Netflix docuseries — “She admires and respects my courage and vulnerability and thinks I have been selected to break generational curses that need to be healed.”
Where’s Queen Bey’s post about generational healing, justice-seeking jam?
And let’s not forget Taylor Swift, who got a handwritten note from Meghan — definitely a “1 of 1,” though no doubt written in that ridiculous calligraphy — asking Swift to appear on her now-defunct podcast “Archetypes.”
Swift is said to have rejected Meghan’s request through a representative. Does anyone really think Meghan gives up that easily?
If we’ve all learned anything, it’s that Ms. Markle will not be ignored.
Beyoncé, who randomly texted Meghan one day to say – according to Meghan, in that ridiculous Netflix docuseries – “She admires and respects my courage and vulnerability and thinks I have been selected to break generational curses that need to be healed.” Where’s Queen Bey’s post about generational healing, justice-seeking jam?
First Ladies
Michelle Obama has stayed away since then That Interview with Oprah, in which he tells Access Hollywood that “there’s nothing more important than family.”
Could some organic preserves from Montecito be enough to regain the nation’s preeminence in healthy eating?
Jill Biden, meanwhile, along with Joe, may have given a hard ‘no’ when Harry and Meghan asked to fly on Air Force One after Queen Elizabeth’s funeral, but hey – over!
Meghan would definitely have put Jill on her list, perhaps with a note that the Bidens know about jam and how to get out of it.
Melania Trump probably got rejected, but what about Ivanka?
“Beautiful… intelligent… she does it all,” Meghan said on The Tig – her forerunner to American Riviera Orchard – in 2014.
“If we go out for drinks,” Meghan continued, “I’ll make sure I order whatever she does because this woman seems to have mastered the formula for success (and happiness).”
She may not have gotten martinis from Ivanka, but she may have sent some MAGA jam to Miami.
Unknown heroes
Who can forget the taxi driver who guided Harry, Meghan and Meghan’s mother Doria through New York City after ‘The Women of Vision’ awards in 2023?
The Duke and Duchess said they were victims of a high-speed chase through downtown Manhattan, implying they narrowly escaped with their lives.
In lieu of a generous tip, imagine this taxi driver, who nonetheless said, “It wasn’t scary…I never felt like I was in danger. It wasn’t like a car chase in a movie – it would at least deserve some Montecito candy.
Then there’s the steward who, during Harry and Meghan’s desperate flight to freedom from Britain, knelt before our Duchess and, according to her recollection on Netflix: ‘He took off his hat and all I remember is looking at him watched. And he says, “We appreciate everything you’ve done for our country.” It was the first time I felt like someone saw the sacrifice.”
At the very least, a slander for this airborne officer!
And the cast member of ‘Lion King’ who, again according to Meghan, has paid the loyalty that the rest of Hollywood just won’t.
Who can forget the taxi driver who guided Harry, Meghan and Meghan’s mother Doria through New York City after ‘The Women of Vision’ awards in 2023?
Speaking to The Cut in 2022, she had gone backstage and was greeted by an unnamed South African who said, “I want you to know: when you married into this family, we rejoiced in the streets just as we did when Mandela had been released from prison’.
Never mind that the only South African actor in that production told the Mail he had never met Meghan. Nor did Mandela’s own grandson snap back that “overcoming sixty years of apartheid is not the same as marrying a white prince.”
Maybe a little ‘Mandela marmalade’ to make up for that misfortune?
Olive branch gift baskets
To Ted Sarandos, for paying a reported $100 million in Netflix money and getting a hacky docuseries, a flop doc about the Invictus games, and now two specials about polo and cooking in return. Nothing says sincerity more than warm, pulverized fruit with the recipient’s numerical importance emblazoned on it – just like declining ratings do.
To Bill Simmons, the Spotify executive who called Harry and Meghan ‘f***king grifters’. Who’s literally cooking now, Bill?
And finally, Trey Parker and Matt Stone of “South Park,” who memorialized our Duchess as a professional victim and an empty vessel, desperate for the fame she claims to despise.
“We just want to be normal people,” cartoon Meghan said in a now legendary episode. “This attention is so hard.”
Two pots for Matt and Trey – numbers 49 and 50 respectively – to prove that, just maybe, a sense of humor has replaced Meghan’s sour grapes.