Why is Taylor Swift stuck on repeat?
In every other aspect of her life and career, the 33-year-old is a marvel of artistry, image control and work ethic.
Her blockbuster “Eras” tour dominated the summer and is on track to gross more than $2 billion.
She’s the most famous pop star in the world – and cheer for her!
She is a marketing genius who spent half her young life making herself culturally relevant – dominant.
So why is she playing what seems like yet another cynical fake-mance? One whose choreography seems clumsy, overly staged and unfortunately juvenile?
Ever since the summer of 2017, when Swift was photographed awkwardly embracing new boyfriend Tom Hiddleston — himself in a deeply embarrassing, rain-soaked, skin-crushing tank top that read “I Heart TS” — one of her high-profile romances has seemed so… pained. Stiff. Non-electric.
Why is Taylor Swift stuck on repeat? In every other aspect of her life and career, the 33-year-old is a marvel of artistry, image control and work ethic. So why is she playing something that seems like yet another cynical faux-mance? One whose choreography seems clumsy, overly staged and unfortunately juvenile?
Ever since 2017, when Swift was photographed awkwardly embracing new boyfriend Tom Hiddleston — himself in a deeply embarrassing, skin-crushing tank top that read “I Heart TS” — one of her high-profile romances has seemed so… pained. Stiff. Non-electric. (Photo: Travis Kelce).
When was the last time we saw a burly pro athlete, a star of one of the most violent sports in America, reduced to making friendship bracelets and wearing a pastel-colored denim race suit, reminiscent of a trip to the mall from a teenager to Claire’s?
A suit that was oh so coincidentally called ‘1989’ – the same as the album Swift is currently re-recording, due out in October. That’s business synergy!
Note to Travis Kelce: Dating Taylor Swift can be more dangerous than any injury you might sustain on the court.
Here was the two-time winner of the Kansas City Chiefs Super Bowl in July, on the podcast he shares with his brother Jason – who plays for the Philadelphia Eagles, Swift’s home team. ahem – about his failed attempt to meet Swift after her show at Arrowhead Stadium (home of the Chiefs).
“If you go to Taylor Swift concerts, there are friendship bracelets,” Kelce said. “I received some while I was there, but I wanted to give Taylor Swift one with my number on it.”
Dear Lord. Why not just give her a note in third period asking if she likes you?
Anyway, Kelce, also 33, was denied: ‘I was disappointed that she doesn’t talk before or after her shows because she has to save her voice… So I was a bit of a pain in my ass, I didn’t give her one to give her the bracelets I made for her.’
Notice the contradiction, as any Easter egg hunting Swiftie would: first Kelce said he passively “received” friendship bracelets, and then he said he “made” them for her. Which one is it? Because the image of a middle-aged professional football player seriously making homemade friendship bracelets for his latest crush is priceless. The stuff of Super Bowl commercials.
When was the last time we saw a burly pro athlete, a star of one of the most violent sports in America, reduced to making friendship bracelets and wearing a pastel-colored denim race suit, reminiscent of a trip to the mall from a teenager to Claire’s? A suit that was oh so coincidentally called ‘1989’ – the same as the album Swift is currently re-recording, due out in October.
Picture this: Kelce, manifesting his new romance with Taylor by building a vision board, hearts and stickers and cutouts of hair all over it, and then hanging it on his bedroom wall, just like this; clicking ‘refresh’ on her website while trying to score the very best Swift tickets; he gets a backstage pass only to be turned away by security, desperate like the little boy in the legendary “Mean Joe Greene” Coca-Cola ad, trying anything to ingratiate himself until the superstar throws away a sweaty sweater as a thank you and as a souvenir.
In August we had an update – again, conveniently, on the Kelce brothers podcast.
“We’re not going to start this episode about Taylor Swift,” Jason said, bringing up Taylor Swift on that episode.
The red-hot topic: Kelce’s facial hair, which he grows during every training camp. “Something tells me she’ll like it.”
This ‘won’t they want them?’ moments have generated more publicity for Travis than his E! reality dating show “Catching Kelce” (canceled after one season), his “Saturday Night Live” hosting gig in March and his Super Bowl wins combined.
Perhaps this romantic show will fill a gap left by the SAG-AFTRA strike. Nature abhors a vacuum and all that.
Smash cut to Sunday night: Taylor came to life, wearing her signature lipstick, dressed in red and white – Chiefs colors – cheering next to Kelce’s mother, bellowing, “Let’s f***ing go!” after scoring a touchdown, and generally being overly emotional like a Real Housewife: the jaw drop, the double thumbs up, the inelegant chest bump.
The chyron below identified Swift as a twelve-time Grammy award-winning artist. Shouldn’t that be enough? Why does she humiliate herself so much? Chew the scenery? Screaming into Kelce’s poor mother’s ear?
Don’t forget, Tom Hiddleston’s mother was also photographed with Taylor. Less than three months later, that great love story was over.
It’s no surprise that all the post-game footage of Kelce and Swift is so stiff and obvious: the two walking out of Arrowhead Stadium together and driving away in a convertible with the top down, reports that Swift evicted a nearby restaurant by paying every customer’s bill.
Yes, this all feels like real romance. The kind that protects you in the beginning, before you know if it’s likely to work. As sacred and new as Leonardo DiCaprio and his merry-go-round of models, who disappeared when they turned 25.
On Sunday night, Taylor came to life, cheering next to Kelce’s mother, bellowing, “Let’s go!” But all the post-game footage of Kelce and Swift felt so stiff and obvious: the two walking out of the stadium together and driving away in a convertible with the top down, the reports of Swift clearing out a nearby restaurant by picking up the tab to pay every customer.
It’s not that Swift doesn’t know how to keep a relationship private. Her main one, with actor Joe Alwyn, lasted six years until their breakup in April. Whatever the cause, that too remains confidential.
“It wasn’t dramatic,” a source told Entertainment Tonight at the time. “The relationship had just run its course.” Not a single shred of dirty laundry has escaped either camp. That’s the job of a superstar who knows how to maintain her personal life. when she wantsprivate.
At least she’s found someone in Kelce who loves this kind of publicity just as much.
“It’s life, baby,” he said on the Pat McAfee Show, revealing how he invited Swift to see him play. “I threw it out there. I threw the ball into her court. I said, “I’ve seen you rock the stage at Arrowhead, maybe you should come see me rock the stage at Arrowhead and see which one’s a little more lit.”
Spoiler alert, Travis: Swifties already know. Get ready for the upcoming album about you.