Gwyneth truly is the gift that keeps on giving.
Just when you think she can’t top herself, here comes another interview in which she makes all kinds of crazy, contradictory statements from an alternate universe.
Let’s start with the headline of this profile in the online magazine Bustle.
Here’s Gwyneth, dressed from head to toe in pure red, her Gucci bra and panties visible, her butt pushed towards the camera with Kardashian-level force in one photo.
“I will literally disappear from public life,” Paltrow says of the eventual sale of Goop, the company she founded 15 years ago. “No one will ever see me again.”
Meghan Markle, gird yourself: you have a new rival in mock, silly displays of humility.
Here are two actresses whose best performances happen not on stage or screen, but in the public sphere, pretending to be in the spotlight they so desperately crave. Oh, the burdens of wealth and celebrity.
The pain of being the face of a brand you founded, the excessive pressure of being an aspirational figure while practically begging other women to look like you, dress like you, and want to be you.
Meghan Markle wears that $5,390 Max Mara camel coat in 70 degree California weather for a reason, right?
Here’s Gwyneth, dressed from head to toe in pure red, her Gucci bra and panties visible, her butt pushed towards the camera with Kardashian-level force in one photo.
“I will literally disappear from public life,” Paltrow says of the eventual sale of Goop, the company she founded 15 years ago. “No one will ever see me again.”
Anyway, back to Gwyneth. Despite spending most of her adult life as a red carpet figure who took home InStyle’s 2015 Style Icon award – wearing Schiaparelli couture, no less – Gwyneth hates dressing up and putting on the photo, she just hates it.
Here she is against Bustle modeling for Goop’s clothing label and starring in social media posts:
“I feel very uncomfortable,” she says over the camera, “but I’m doing my best.”
This profile is accompanied by 15 portraits of Gwyneth in various states of undress. A Gwyneth who radiates and preens, who presents herself here as the one percent of 51-year-old American women with the money and resources to look this good.
Yet she has the audacity to tell the reader – her ostensible customer – that she has come to accept that she is losing all her looks.
‘I’m constantly in this practice of. . . embracing this painful aspect of not being young and beautiful,” says Gwyneth. “Sometimes I almost think of it as a person I’m hugging, like, ‘This should happen.’ This is okay.”
Yes, let’s all sympathize as we look at these portraits of Gwyneth ecstatically looking at herself in the mirror while applying red lipstick. As she poses suggestively in her underwear and six-inch Louboutin heels. Who is she kidding?
She has the audacity to show off her bare midriff, toned and toned with a seemingly vertical line bisecting her stomach, and then claim that her stomach has fallen apart from her two pregnancies.
‘I hate that my stomach is like this. . . I’ve had two babies and now, for some reason, at age 51, it seems like all the elasticity is gone. But if I look at a 28-year-old model on Instagram and think that’s what my stomach should look like, I end up in a depression.’
Reader, we can see Gwyneth’s rib cage here. We can practically count the bones.
Where has gone the Gwyneth who said, “I am who I am.” I can’t pretend to be someone who makes $25,000 a year’?
Meghan Markle, gird yourself: you have a new rival in mock, silly displays of humility.
A Gwyneth who radiates and preens, who presents herself here as the one percent of 51-year-old American women with the money and resources to look this good.
That at least Gwyneth felt honest. An elitist, insufferable snob, yes, but an honest one.
However, here we have a Gwyneth who is actively trying to woo the woman who makes $25,000 a year. The purpose of this interview, wouldn’t you know, is to plug her new, cheaper Goop skin care line — gasp! – Amazon and Target.
If you think this is to bring Goop to the masses, don’t be silly.
‘I just didn’t approach it that way. . . “Let’s go to Mass,” Gwyneth says.
What other reason could there be? It’s a tautology: you go to the mass market to reach the mass market.
Wow. This might be the most insane, low-key celebrity profile since Meghan Markle told her conversation partner to describe her as non-verbal.
Because it never gets old, here’s our Duchess – who’s currently hoping to give Gwyneth a run for her money by relaunching her lifestyle website The Tig – on The Cut last year:
“At one point in our conversation,” writes interviewer Alison P. Davis, “instead of answering a question, (Meghan) will suggest how I might transcribe the sounds she’s making: ‘She’s making these guttural noises, and I can’t quite understand it. expressing what she feels at that moment, because she has no word for it; she just moans’.’
Gwyneth has joined Meghan in complete detachment from reality.
Once engaged to Brad Pitt and the ex-wife of Chris Martin, who became a millionaire many times over thanks to Coldplay, Gwyneth says here: ‘I could never be attracted to the really rich man.’
However, here we have a Gwyneth who is actively trying to woo the woman who makes $25,000 a year. The purpose of this interview, wouldn’t you know, is to plug her new, cheaper Goop skin care line — gasp! – Amazon and Target.
Here she is with Bustle, modeling for Goop’s clothing label and starring in social media posts: “I feel very uncomfortable,” she says over the camera, “but I’m doing my best.”
An actress best known to generations of moviegoers for her role opposite Robert Downey Jr. in the ‘Iron Man’ franchise: ‘I’ve always made independent films. Money has never been my thing. It was never my driver.’
One of my favorite tics in a celebrity profile is all over the place: the unnecessary use of big words, especially words meant to evoke business school: When Gwyneth got divorced, she says, she didn’t just talk to her friends — she started ‘ data collection.’
She and her team weren’t thinking about a cheaper line; it was something they ‘came up with’. Hair serums and lotions just don’t work; they are ‘effective’.
There is an unwarranted attack on ‘the patriarchy’, because of the pressure women feel, she says, to always be busy, and because of the term ‘nepo baby’.
“Nobody makes a joke about a kid saying, ‘I want to be a doctor like my dad and grandpa,’” she complains.
Well, no, because to become a doctor you have to pass exams and do residencies and, you know, prove that you’re smart enough to be entrusted with a human life. But let us mourn the children of Malibu, whose modeling and influencer deals spared them the hardships of meritocracy.
Her children, as privileged as they are, understand how hard Gwyneth works.
“I said this to my son the other day because he said, ‘I have so much to do.’ I said, ‘I relate to you so much.’ I said, ‘Today I had to do a photo shoot all day for G. label, and I was the model.’
Her son is 17.
And those moms who work three jobs and struggle to afford child care — well, they can’t understand it, but Gwynnie hopes you’ll try her new Goop treatments, priced for the poor people out there — the $24 eye serum, 99 or the $19.99 Glycolic Acid Toner Eye Serum.
It seems she has seen the light: poor and working class women deserve good skin too!
“I said this to my son the other day because he said, ‘I have so much to do.’ I said, ‘I relate to you so much.’ I said, ‘Today I had to do a photo shoot all day for G. label, and I was the model.’ (Above, right) Moses Martin
Of all the criers in this interview, there’s one that hasn’t gotten much attention: Gwyneth Paltrow, whose brand depends on online engagement, who has been a pop-cultural figure her entire adult life, has never seen the interview. Harry and Meghan did it with Oprah.
She swears.
“You know,” she says here, “I’m the only person in America who didn’t see that interview?”
She still hasn’t done that, she says, because Googling something is apparently beyond her capabilities.
“I didn’t watch it then, and I can’t now,” she says. “I don’t know where to find it.”
Maybe Gwyneth and Meghan, now neighbors in Montecito, can join forces. After all, Meghan had no idea who Prince Harry was when she met him!
They have so much in common: Gwyneth and Meghan know so little and yet want to guide us. They don’t care about money, they want us to literally buy what they are selling. They’re all about transparency, even though that may be the only real claim they have.
After all, we can see right through it.