About every six months, social media crowns a new animal companion. Late last year you may remember that ‘Golden Retriever’ was the most popular breed to have. Why? Because Taylor Swift had one in the form of bouncy American footballer Travis Kelce.
In fact, she still has it, which is typical of Golden Retriever types. They are fiercely loyal and won’t budge from your side for anything (except maybe a single 22-yard touchdown pass).
This summer there’s a new must-have mammal – the ‘Hot Rodent’ – and this guy wouldn’t be able to tell one end of an American football from the other. Rodent studied theater at school while the Retrievers were on the sports field, but what he lacks in muscle he makes up for with endearingly quirky outfits that only need to be vetoed occasionally before leaving the house.
However, retriever and rodent are not the only partner species. What is that? Have no idea what yours is? Then you need to close this gap in your cultural knowledge immediately. Read more…
Golden retriever
Poster boy
Travis Kelce, and if you have no idea who Travis is, think Joey from Friends. To sound like Gen Z when discussing this at dinner parties, note that the man in question has “great GR energy.”
Telltale behavior
Drives next to your train as it leaves the station (GR is a health and safety officer’s nightmare) and wanders around in aimless circles if you lose it in the John Lewis haberdashery.
According to TikTok, GR is big on tying your shoelaces without asking. While it’s annoying, it’s GR’s way of showing affection, so maybe switch to ballerinas while he’s in the lacing phase.
Rottweiler /German shepherd
Poster boy David Beckham, who, admittedly, also has “great GR energy” and is therefore probably actually a German Shepherd.
Telltale behavior
Rottweilers are wary of social situations because they can lead to biting and when Rottweiler bites, you tell him about it – which makes him sad. Whether he’s a Rottweiler or a slightly less scary German Shepherd depends on how seriously he takes his role as protector. If his response to a male waiter helping you with your coat is, “Hands where I can see them, mate,” then he’s full RW: think Russell Crowe from the Noughties.
Hot rodent
Poster boy
Kieran Culkin.
According to a recent article in Dazed, rodents are “often not conventionally handsome, but this only makes them more attractive.” Many TikTokers also point out the Challengers co-stars Josh O’Connor and Mike Faist (two-thirds of the film’s now-famous ‘throuple’) as examples of this type.
Telltale behavior
Despite his hotness, Rodent is undeniably weird, even chaotic, and can veer off into unexpected tangents with little or no warning. No one minds, though, because he weighs less than nine pounds and is wearing a knitted tank top.
Reptiles
Poster boy
Timothée Chalamet of course.
There’s a lot of crossover between reptiles and rodents: they’re both the antithesis of toxic masculinity, angular and (at least for the celebrities) highly unlikely to be photographed coming out of a gym.
Telltale behavior
The main difference between Reptile and Rodent is visual rather than behavioral, in that Reptile is classically good-looking, meaning that statements about his hotness never have to include the addendum “but he’s really funny.”
Hoarse
Poster boy
Bear Grylls. Although GRs and Rottweilers can be outdoors, Huskies always are. Every piece of clothing he owns has the word “pull” on it somewhere, and you’ve long since given up on the zip-off discussion.
Telltale behavior
Husky is loyal, but has difficulty seeing the world through the eyes of people who don’t like sleeping bags. To confirm whether you have a Husky or a Retriever, go back to the haberdashery and hide behind a pillar.
If, when you emerge, you see him pacing anxiously along the sewing patterns, you have a Retriever; if he has a bivouac made of natural yarn, he is a husky.