I left my girlfriend after she gave birth to our disabled baby – then I refused to go to my own child’s funeral

A man has sparked heated debate by revealing he left his girlfriend after she gave birth to their disabled baby and then refused to attend his own child’s funeral.

The unnamed man from the US took to Reddit’s popular Am I The A**hole thread to candidly explain his decisions.

He admitted that he ‘begged’ his girlfriend to terminate the pregnancy, but ultimately walked away from her and the child when she refused.

Readers were bitterly divided in their responses, but what do you think?

In the post, shared earlier this week, the man began discussing his childhood.

‘I grew up in a house with a disabled brother. All my parents’ money and attention went to him. They pretty much forgot I existed. All our family activities were based on my brother’s ability to participate,” he said.

“I didn’t qualify for financial aid. I wasn’t a great student and honestly, going to college would have been a waste of money.

“Instead, my grandfather helped me get a job on the oil rigs. It is hard, dirty and lonely work. But it pays very well. I started as a floor hand student. It’s basically the lowest of the low.

‘I haven’t cut off my family, but I haven’t gone out of my way to keep in touch either. I was working in another state and they didn’t have time for me anyway.”

The exasperated father continued, “About ten years later I got a phone call. My little brother had died. I went to the funeral and my parents looked about 25 years older.

‘It was nice to see them, but I left quite quickly afterwards. It’s hard to explain, but I never really got attached to them because they ignored me since I was five. I’ve never been abused or anything. I was just an afterthought.

‘When my girlfriend got pregnant, I was happy. We were together for three years and I was happy with her. I hope I made her happy. We talked about it and we decided to get all the tests done so we could know if we were going to have a healthy baby.

‘Before the first test we agreed that if we didn’t have a healthy baby, we wouldn’t have a baby. I know it’s a horrible thing to think about, but I had already lived that life for thirteen years and I was free of it and had no interest in going back.”

But things only got worse when the expectant parents got their newborn’s test results.

‘One of the tests came back positive for one of the conditions that we decided we didn’t want in a child. Please understand that I am in no way saying that people with disabilities should not be born.

‘Just that I knew I didn’t want to be there. We had a second, third and even a fourth opinion. I spent a large portion of my savings on tests that insurance wouldn’t fully cover. It wasn’t a great time.

‘Then my friend said she had changed her mind. That she couldn’t cancel. I argued with her for days, weeks, until it was too late. I told her that I would not choose to be around to help with the child. That I would pay child support, but that was it.”

He candidly revealed, “Our relationship was on cruise control from then until the baby was born. I made sure she got home safely from the hospital and then I went to work. And I never went back.

‘I pay the child support that the court has ordered me to pay. I didn’t fight it or avoid it. But I haven’t seen her or her child since the hospital. Three years later I got married. We are expecting our first child and I heard from my ex.

‘The child had died. She wanted me to come to the funeral. I said no. I knew it was coming. It was still an abdominal exercise. My parents are angry with me for dealing with things.

‘They went to the funeral. I told them that I didn’t want the life they had lived when my brother was alive. And that my ex had tried to force me to do so, after he had agreed not to. They said they were disappointed that they hadn’t raised me properly.’

The unnamed man then explained how this had led to a heated conflict in the family.

‘I got angry and said they hadn’t raised me at all. I asked them to show me anything they had from my childhood that showed they had shown even the slightest interest in me.

‘They said that wasn’t fair because they had to take care of my brother. I simply said that was my point and hung up.

‘I feel like it, but my ex knew how I felt and why. To this day I don’t understand why she changed her mind.

“My wife and I talked before we got married and made the same decision. And thank goodness we didn’t have to make it. But she understood how I felt. Her mother and father talked to us about it and told us to do what was best for us.

“I had told them everything about my past that was relevant to my relationship with their daughter.”

He concluded, “Sorry for all the talk, but I guess I’m just trying to put all my thoughts aside while I still have the courage to ask. Am I the hole?’

The Reddit user provided further context in the comments when he shared, “My brother had something completely unrelated to what my first child had. My brother’s condition is passed on through the mother. So I couldn’t pass it on.

‘My parents didn’t know my brother would be born like this. They loved him, but it broke them. They wanted about five children. They have two.

‘Now one of them is dead and you don’t want to have much to do with them anymore. I didn’t want that my whole life. We have technology and medicine.

“I spent, I don’t know how much money, on genetic testing. I guess I was lucky that my ex and I managed to hit the jackpot.

‘I wouldn’t do this to myself, or more importantly my child. At least, I wanted to, until she forced me to.’

He continued, “I’m not in therapy. And yes, I asked her to keep our agreement. I begged – like I was literally begging her not to do it.

‘I am angry about the choice my ex made. Not because of the time or money. But because she knowingly brought a life into this damn world so she could watch him suffer for three years and then die.

‘I can’t tell her that. I can’t show up at the funeral and yell at her for being selfish. If I ever find myself in the condition that poor child was in, I hope one of my cousins ​​will help me leave.

‘Three years of pain, and not having the mental capacity to understand why there is pain. I thought so much about that poor child that I couldn’t sleep. I was almost done [being an] inpatient because he doesn’t sleep.’

The Reddit post was quickly flooded with comments.

On the one hand, many argued that he was wrong, as someone was wrongte: ‘YTA, and a selfish one too. Everything is your original message. It just screams “me, me, me.” Please get a vasectomy.”

A second person commented: ‘YTA. What if the disability had been discovered after birth? When you have a child, it is always a risk.

‘And you can never agree 100 percent on what you would do in a situation like this until you experience it.

‘The truth is that the mother feels a bond with the child even before birth. You may feel like you can’t get an abortion, even though you initially thought so.

‘You never know how you will react when you are pregnant. So while I feel some empathy for what you’ve been through, YTA certainly does.”

Another said: ‘Yes, YTA. You have to get over yourself. You have so much right to it. You have no empathy. You can’t just abandon a child because it will be harder than you wanted.

“You could have gone to the funeral and just been a decent human being, but you didn’t. You have the right to cry and what you have written here paints you as a huge hole.”

But on the other hand, there were people who came to the man’s defense.

One wrote: ‘NTA. You are not a bad person if you want an abortion in your situation. You’re not a monster when you leave either.

“Not everyone can make sacrifices like your parents did, and you know firsthand what that means, and what it does to the other children in the household. I always felt the same way. Forgive yourself, you have sacrificed enough.”

Another wrote: ‘This is definitely a NAH situation. Ex had the right to change his mind, you had the right not to. This is just a tough situation.”

Someone else said: ‘I’m a home nurse. I’ve seen this happen. The family is tied to the disabled child.

‘The lives of the other children are ruined. I understand where you’re coming from.’