I’m a divorce lawyer – these are the three questions you must ask yourself before you tell your spouse you want a divorce – and it could cost you everything if you don’t

Divorce is never easy, but a family law lawyer with 14 years of experience warns it can be dangerous if you don’t approach it right.

Cassandra Kalpaxis, the author of the book Dignified Divorce, has guided hundreds of clients through the legal separation process. In most cases, it’s simply a matter of telling your spouse you want to leave, sorting out all property and custody matters, and then filing for divorce after being separated for a period of twelve months.

But for some people – especially women – telling their partner they want to end the marriage can be the most dangerous time of their lives.

Ms Kalpaxis says that unfortunately many women don’t realize they are in a domestic violence relationship until it is over.

And just because they haven’t experienced physical violence in the past doesn’t mean it’s safe to leave the marriage.

So before taking that crucial first step in a divorce – telling your spouse you want to end the marriage – Ms. Kalpaxis always instructs her clients to ask themselves three questions first.

Do you have freedom of movement? Do you have financial freedom? And do you have freedom of communication?

The first question is the most fundamental. “You have to ask yourself if you have the ability to come and go without being asked where you’ve been,” says Ms. Kalpaxis.

If you don’t, you are essentially a prisoner in your own home and will need to seek professional help before taking any meaningful steps toward divorce.

When it comes to financial freedom, you need to ask yourself, “Can I withdraw or spend money without anyone asking me why?”

Having access to money during and after the divorce is essential because without this freedom you will be controlled by the person who does have financial access.

“Then there is the freedom of communication,” says Ms. Kalpaxis.

‘Can you jump on the phone with your mother, your girlfriend, your sister? [with] no questions asked? Or without being watched all the time or without people looking at your phone?’

If the answer to any of these questions is ‘no’, you are, even unknowingly, in a domestic violence situation and any attempt to leave will be fraught with danger.

‘Many people do not recognize this as domestic violence; they are so used to the coercive control and think it is normal when it is not,” says Ms Kalpaxis.

She has worked with many women, especially those over 50, who have never had access to finances and do not consider this to be financial abuse. In a situation like this, leaving a spouse without a plan can be difficult unsafe.

“A lot of women are made to feel like they’re not smart enough to handle money,” she says.

“They have been told from the beginning that this is not their role in the relationship.”

Ms Kalpaxis says that sometimes the ‘coercive’ partner does not realize that their actions are abusive. They are shocked to discover that systems exist to protect their ex-partner from them during the divorce process.

“They could be controlling the finances because that’s what they thought they had to do, it could be generational.”

In these types of cases, attorneys still serve as a safety net for the person under control.

If you are in a situation where you have freedom of movement, financial freedom and freedom of communication, then you are in a good position to ask your spouse for a divorce. It won’t be an easy conversation, but it will probably be a safe one.

Ms. Kalpaxis is an advocate of peaceful divorce and believes the process does not have to be toxic. For her, that first conversation is fundamental.

‘It’s an opportunity to get on the same page. The other person may be shocked and perhaps angry. Or maybe they think the same,” she says.

There is a fourth bonus question that people should ask themselves before telling their husband or wife that they want a divorce. This question also applies to the person on the receiving end of the conversation: “So do we Real should we divorce or do we just feel disconnected because life is getting in the way?’

Ms. Kalpaxis says she often sees couples with children divorce simply because they forget to make time for each other. And by the time their children are grown, they feel like they are living with a stranger.

But she has seen estranged marriages reconnected – even after the “divorce meeting” – because both parties made a commitment to get to know each other again.

‘They come back together as single people and realize that the bond between them still exists. And without the distraction of children and work, they manage to rebuild their relationship,” she says.

Coercive control has been described as an ‘insidious’ form of domestic violence. It is a criminal offense in the state of New South Wales.

Many aspects of coercive control are dealt with under family law in Victoria, Tasmania, the Northern Territory and the ACT.

It will be considered a standalone crime in Queensland from 2025, while lawmakers in South Australia and Western Australia are engaged in the consultation process to change laws.

Speaking to FEMAIL, GP Dr Philippa Kaye previously warned about the subtle signs of coercive control and what to do about it.

“An abuser who does this can monitor his partner’s social media, text messages and phone calls, dictating what he can eat, when he should exercise, who he can see and how much money he spends,” she said.

‘Domestic violence is defined as any controlling, coercive or threatening behavior, or violence.

“It can be physical, psychological, sexual, emotional, financial and more. And whatever form it takes, it’s a crime.”

Men who use coercive control in their relationships are more likely to kill their partners than other abusers – even if they have not been physically violent before or if physical violence in the home has not been the main form of abuse.