It’s a story as old as Biden’s left hip.
When young, beautiful starlets marry handsome boy band boys, we long for every detail of their imaginative fairytale as we sip the sweet champagne of their effortlessly sexy story.
When they inevitably divorce, we devour their misery, hungry for tasteless treats and dirty laundry, desperate to assign blame, to say we saw it coming from the start, to appoint a victor and a villain in the sordid split saga.
So it is with once-iconic bro-ician Joe Jonas and his impossibly stunning, almost-former wife Sophie Turner.
Anyone who doesn’t suffer from short-term memory loss knows Joe as a notorious skirt hound who bedded and promptly threw away some of the world’s most sought-after sweethearts.
He’s hooked up with fellow singing stars Demi Lovato and Taylor Swift – dumping the latter during a 27-second phone call – and even once ‘joked’ live on TV that he has another ex-bae, the curvaceous leggy Gigi Hadid, would ‘kill’ if the push came to the push.
So please forgive me for being a little suspicious, as Joe’s wife of four years, and mother of his two young daughters, has had a rather disastrous reputation of late.
When young, beautiful starlets marry handsome boy band boys, we long for every detail of their fantasy fairytale. When they inevitably divorce, we devour their misery, desperate to find a victor and a villain. (Photo: Sophie Turner in Birmingham on Saturday).
It’s the same with the once iconic bro-ician Joe Jonas and his almost ex-wife Sophie Turner. Anyone who doesn’t suffer from short-term memory loss knows Joe as a notorious skirt hound who bedded and promptly threw away some of the world’s most sought-after sweethearts.
So please forgive me for being a little suspicious, as Joe’s wife of four years, and mother of his two young daughters, has had a rather disastrous reputation of late. (Image: Joe and Sophie together in 2019).
Since the first faint whisper earlier this week that Joe, 34, was filing for divorce from Sophie, 27, the Game of Thrones actress has been hammering non-stop, portrayed as a hard-partying, dirty mother desperate to reclaim her. stolen youth.
Here was a ‘source with direct knowledge’ on Tuesday on gossip site TMZ, straight from the neighborhood: ‘She likes to party, he likes to stay home. They have very different lifestyles.’
Images of Sophie drinking cheap cocktails and shots were neatly juxtaposed with photos of Joe on Wednesday, out with their two daughters in LA – the implication being that he’s heroically looking after them alone, balancing a Jonas Brothers tour schedule and being an all-round fantastic person is as Soph heads to a sloppy girls’ summer party in Britain.
And then came that ridiculous “ring camera” plague.
“Multiple sources with direct contact with Joe” – who could be they are? – again claiming to TMZ that he saw footage of Sophie “saying and/or doing SOMETHING,” which confirmed his decision to leave her.
Who knows what the images show. Honestly, who cares?
As if navigating parenting a three- and one-year-old through divorce isn’t hard enough, imagine having the visceral apparatus of a globally beloved boy band whose name is synonymous with the brand of wholesome All American goodness that you will find in a bag of Cracker Jack that opposes you.
Because that’s what this feels like, right?
If Sophie did indeed carelessly sink double vodka sodas with mojito chasers and left Dad with the two girls across the Atlantic, then of course there should be serious cause for concern.
Since the first faint whisper of a divorce earlier this week, Sophie has been hammering non-stop, portraying herself as a hard-partying mother desperate to reclaim her stolen youth. Images of Sophie drinking cheap cocktails and shots were neatly juxtaposed with photos of Joe on Wednesday, out with their two daughters in LA.
But I’m going to go out on a limb and say I don’t buy it – Sophie as this unhinged, rum-soaked spirit in a bottle that poor Joe couldn’t rub properly. And not least because it appears she has only been in Britain for work, filming a new show.
I’ve also seen many photos of this once happy duo having innocent fun together over a cocktail or two. Not to mention the many images of Joe alone, clearly no stranger to drunkenness, with matted chest hair, chugging away.
Maybe Joe thought we would all forget that time during Covid when he said Sophie was the ‘roommate’ in the relationship. Or the 2020 interview in which Sophie described Joe as a ‘social butterfly’.
“I’m an introvert…I leave the house about once a day…I have a hard time shutting him down and just letting him spend time with me,” she said.
But now it’s all Joe, the hardworking, loving father, and Sophie, the walking episode of Girls Gone Wild, who stuffs tequila-stained dollar bills into a Magic Mike model’s thong.
“Sources” close to Joe may think they are protecting his oh-so-cheap, clean personality with these vulgar mudslingers, but they are only harming the one person he should be protecting: the mother of his little girls.
Robbing her hurts them – and it also goes against this ridiculous joint statement: “After four wonderful years of marriage, we have mutually decided to amicably end our marriage. There are many speculative stories as to why, but this is truly a shared decision, and we sincerely hope that everyone can respect our wishes for privacy for us and our children.”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say I don’t buy it – Sophie as this unhinged, rum-soaked spirit in a bottle that poor Joe couldn’t rub properly. And not least because it appears she has only been in Britain for work, filming a new show. I’ve also seen many photos of Joe, clearly no stranger to drunkenness, with matted chest hair, chugging away.
“Sources” close to Joe may think they are protecting his oh-so-cheap, clean personality with these vulgar mudslingers, but they are only harming the one person he should be protecting: the mother of his little girls.
Oh, puke in my mouth! How Under Siege must have made Sophie grit her teeth. How dignified has been her silent silence.
It’s perfectly clear where these ‘speculative stories’ are oozing from, a package of vile, sexist insults that stink of a stinking set of cojonaS.
Sophie’s fear of losing her children in a protracted international custody battle must be palpable. It’s every mother’s worst nightmare, besides being publicly dragged through a gossip swamp while your hirsute ex comes out looking fresher than a commercial.
But if we have to gird our loins and brace ourselves for another awkward celeb split – in this Great Summer of Star Partings – let’s hope Sophie can inspire some ‘sources’ of her own to flip the script and give us a happier ending where mother is. ‘I’m not always the only one plagued by poisonous briefing bullets.