It’s early in the morning of the Biden family’s last Christmas in the White House and the Executive Wing is already buzzing with activity.
Dr. Jill wakes up to find the President hard at work at his desk, still dressed in his red MAGA nightcap and Trump 2024 onesie.
“Joey,” she calls. “You know I don’t allow crayons in the bedroom.”
“I’m not signing, sir,” says the commander-in-chief. ‘I’m writing my last clemency list.
“There are so many bad people in Washington and in prisons and it is my job to pardon them all.”
“You’re getting mixed up with Santa, honey,” Jill scolds.
Just then, a despondent First Felon sneaks into the room.
“What’s going on, boy?” Joe pleads. “I thought your early Christmas pardon cheered you up?”
It’s early in the morning of the Biden family’s last Christmas in the White House and the Executive Wing is already buzzing with activity.
Dr. Jill wakes up to find the President hard at work at his desk, still dressed in his red MAGA nightcap and Trump 2024 onesie. (Image: President Biden wearing a Trump 2024 hat on the campaign trail in September 2024)
Apparently, Hunter had looked through his Christmas stocking and discovered that the Chinese government had left him a lump of coal.
“Awww Pop, Christmas just ain’t the same now that you’re a toothless lame duck,” Hunter whines. “We used to vacation in Nantucket and Santa Barbara in the homes of billionaires, but now we’re worthless to them.
“I’m not going to spend spring break in Rehoboth,” he shouts, stomping his foot on the ground.
“You’re telling me, buddy,” Biden says. “I texted my rich private equity friend David Rubenstein and he replied, ‘New phone, who has this?’
But in this final Christmas of the Biden presidency, Joe has a plan. He certainly figures that if he commutes the sentences of thousands of convicted criminals and preemptively pardons all his friends, he someone will feel compelled to please him.
So Biden has canceled a family Christmas in lieu of a grace party, and everyone will be there.
“Who’s on your list, Dad?” nudges Hunter.
“Well, then you have smart Senator Adam Schiff, shutdown doctor Tony Fauci, Uncle Jim and Bashar Al-Assad,” Joe reads.
“Dad, you can’t pardon Assad,” Hunter chirps.
“Malarky,” the president shouts. ‘Santa Claus is all powerful!’
Smoke begins to pour from the fireplace and a bearded apparition emerges from the mist.
“I am the ghost of the future of the American justice system,” the ghost cries.
“Shut it, Kevin,” Hunter chides his sugar daddy attorney Kevin Morris. ‘And I told you: don’t smoke a hookah in the People’s House.’
With that, the family shuffles into the East Room to check on the party preparations and sees press secretary Karine Jean Pierre hanging upside down a “Happy Birthday” banner. But the president sees another woman in a maude pantsuit staggering on a ladder, measuring the curtains.
“Malarky,” the president shouts. ‘Santa Claus is all powerful!’ Smoke begins to pour from the bedroom fireplace and a bearded apparition emerges from the haze.
“Krazy Kamala, is that you?” boom Joe. “After you blew a billion dollars by losing an election and destroying my legacy, I flushed your White House credentials down the toilet. How did you get in here?’
“Oh, hi Joe,” the nervous vice president cackles. “I wanted to make a jump on my inauguration in 2029. My slogan is Make America Grape Again because I love wine. BUUUUUUURPP!’
Joe and Hunter exchange a knowing look. “Right, I’m going to be head of the DEA,” Hunter jokes.
“Where’s Doug?” Jill asks. “We had such a fun time at the State of the Union. I was hoping to steal another kiss.”
The second gentleman is at home studying the Hanukkah story (or searching the Internet for pretty nannies). After botching the old story in a social media post last year, Doug is determined to get it right, so he called Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib for help.
“It turns out the Maccabbes committed genocide, not the Greeks,” Kamala says. ‘Not everyone knows that.’
Enraged, Joe calls on the only loyal Biden family member left, his German Shepherd Commander: “Attack her, boy!”
The commander looks up from gnawing on a Secret Service agent’s thigh, but even he isn’t interested in Kamala.
“Where’s Doug?” Jill asks. “We had such a fun time at the State of the Union. I was hoping to steal another kiss.” (Image: Doug Emhoff and Jill Biden during the State of the Union on February 8, 2023)
“Shut it, Kevin,” Hunter chides his sugar daddy attorney Kevin Morris. “And I told you not to smoke a hookah in the People’s House.” (Image: Kevin Morris outside his California home in July 2023)
Suddenly there is an anxious tapping on the window.
Outside, a waxy, Botoxed ghoul pushes his filler-filled face against the glass.
“Is that Caitlyn Jenner?!” Dr. Jill screams.
KJP recognizes the intruder: ‘It’s Matt Gaetz! He is here for his preventive pardon.”
“Absolutely not,” Joe declares. “I cannot condone the rampant drug abuse and solicitation of prostitution.”
Everyone turns to look at Hunter.
“Fine,” Joe admits. “But I’ll only allow a minor raid on the White House.”
Gaetz then smashes through the window and claims the first four rows of seats.
Hail to the Chief plays and everyone – including Biden – draws attention, as an angry Barack Obama storms into the room.
“Joey, I told you not to throw parties while I was away. What’s going on here?’ he demands.
“My apologies, Your Highness,” Biden blubbers as he salutes. ‘I thought now that everyone knows that I never was Real President, it doesn’t hurt to have some fun. Do you want to destroy the place?’
Suddenly they hear someone tapping anxiously on the window. Outside, a waxy, Botoxed ghoul pushes his filler-filled face against the glass. (Photo: Rep. Matt Gaetz)
Obama shakes his head and walks out. This year he will spend Christmas alone. Michelle and the girls are on David Geffen’s yacht.
Hunter, Jill, Kamala and KJP gather around Joe for a group hug to capture the moment before all the trappings of power are taken away forever.
Hunter manages to suppress a smile and says, “Merry Christmas, Dad.”
Joe looks at him without blinking for what feels like an eternity and replies, “What is Christmas?”
With that, they’re all laughing like idiots during a very special last Biden family Christmas.