KENNEDY: Are you one of the millions who’ve joined America’s most vacuous, insufferable, virtue-signaling fad? TJ and Amy have – and that’s proof it DOESN’T make you a better person than me

Hey, you devout Dry January bastards – we’re two weeks into 2024 and the jig is already up.

Your annual exercise in virtue signaling is laid bare.

So give it up, killjoys!

“The reality is that you can’t simply reset or detox alcohol’s impact on your health in a month,” doctors tell DailyMail.com.

So the next time you come to the bar and order a seltzer, I’m going to throw a Stella right in your face.

When the new year rolls around, the chubsicles trudge back to the gym like clockwork and the most social media among us announce to the world that we will abstain.

After going through a tough time between Thanksgiving and December 31st – beer, blunts, hookers and fondue – the usual suspects are understandably trying to assuage their guilty consciences.

But if you smelled like a distillery in December, you’ll probably be drinking until you drop again in February.

People who participate in Dry January are 47% more likely to drink more.

Do you know where I got that statistic?

I made it up!

But we all know that briefly revitalizing your liver won’t make you a better person or cure you of your peppermint sins.

It sounds annoying when a waiter asks if you would like a glass of wine.

“Oh, that can’t be because I’m doing DRYYYY JANUARY because I have so much more self-control than youoooouu.”

Real? Wasn’t that you firing sexts from the office bathroom at the company party?

Let’s be honest: they do Dry January for the likes.

Is it any surprise that this maddening craze didn’t exist until Instagram made us all obsessively nosy neighbors, always comparing ourselves to the family next door?

If you’re an alcoholic and your grandpa’s cough medicine is ruining your life, stop reading now. This column is not for you. But still, going cold turkey to appease the Instagram gods is a terrible idea.

To the rest of you whiny moralists: (Reading in slurred voice) Do you think you’re better than me?

What better proof of this absurdity than Dry January’s latest converts – adulterers TJ Holmes and Amy Robach?

The couple – former hosts of Good Morning America – admitted on their podcast that they spent almost $3,000 on booze in December alone.

Robach claims she drinks 30 libations in a week. Holmes said he easily consumes 18 drinks a day!

Now they are turning over a new leaf. Now that they’ve been sober for two weeks, they say they feel “great.”

Well, kudos to you love birds. I’m sure your jilted husbands are cheering you on!

To be honest, I tried Dry January last year. The first two weeks were fine. It didn’t feel like a challenge to hit La Croix with frozen strawberries during the week and Coca-Cola Zero on the weekend. But at a wedding I threw back the old-fashioned way and kept complaining about my relapse.

I wish I could go back and punch Kennedy 2023 square in the jaw.

It’s not just the drink that makes these Januarians insufferable, there’s also Veganuary.

For four weeks, people swear off meat and bore their friends to tears with non-stop stories about garbanzo beans, pumpkin spaghetti… and don’t even get them started on lentils.

These nasty plant-based gas bags turn into real gas factories – so they can feel nutritionally superior.

I tell them to try this challenge: go dairy-free during pumpkin spice season.

Of course, I’m kidding. So how would they pose with their $14 basic oat milk latte in an apple orchard while wearing a plaid shirt?

Can I add to this list of annoying social media martyrs those who save dogs?

Do not get me wrong. I admire people who sacrifice their comfort to improve the lives of neglected dogs who would otherwise go to doggy heaven far too soon.

But if I hear one more nasty complaint about my perfectly purebred French bulldog in every way, I swear I’ll start a puppy mill – just out of spite.

Bringing home a three-legged, one-eyed, mangy, mite-infested, geriatric mutt to teach your brat children a lesson doesn’t make you a saint.

I’m trying to adopt a human. Well, that’s something worth posting about.

Here’s the truth: If you can stop drinking in January and pick it up again in February, alcohol addiction isn’t your problem — it’s social media.

And just because you’re promoting a few weeks of angelic behavior, it doesn’t mean you’ve engaged in any meaningful, rigorous self-examination.

Although I’m sure if you did, you’d find a way to make a Reel about it.