It’s possible that just about everything you thought was true about having great sex in a long-term relationship is a myth.
The one about how it’s always so much better in the beginning? Wrong.
And the idea that you can ‘rediscover the spark’ by getting spontaneous or introducing kinky role-play?
Also not true. So you can take that sexy nurse uniform to the store.
In fact, sex educator Emily Nagoski was so impressed by her own discovery of what truly constitutes a long-lasting erotic connection between couples that she decided to tackle this most misunderstood topic in her latest book: Getting together.
Read on to discover the eight myths about long-lasting, satisfying sex that she says are the most widely believed.
It’s a common misconception that sex is great at the beginning of a relationship but then fizzles out when we lose the ‘spark’
Keeping the spark alive
“We’re told early on in a relationship that it’s all passion and ‘spark,’ and that may last for a few years; then we have kids or buy a fixer-upper house or generally get busy with work and life, and the spark dies out, especially after age 50, when apparently every hormone we ever had floats away in a sea of aging and we’re alone but are left behind, sexless and castrated, to hold hands at sunset.”
The options, Nagoski says, are either to accept the inevitable disappearance of our desires, or to fight against it to keep the spark alive.
The concept is completely wrong, she says, because it places the need on desire and passion – that desire that comes from nothing – rather than on pleasure.
She says, ‘Great long-term sex isn’t about how often you do it or where you do it or with whom or in what positions or how many orgasms you have or even how enthusiastically you expect sex, but how much you love it. the sex you have.”
Angry sex is great sex
This oft-repeated trope has appeared in pop culture throughout the ages – we see Keira Knightley and Matthew Macfadyen locking lips in 2005’s Pride & Prejudice, almost immediately after she finishes listing all the ways they you hate.
Or Keri Russell and Rufus Sewell in Netflix’s The Diplomat – whose only sex seems to be of the angry or transactional type.
Keira Knightley and Matthew Macfadyen embody the dangerous trope that bad sex is good sex in 2005’s Pride & Prejudice
The sex in Netflix’s The Diplomat, between Keri Russell and Rufus Sewell, is generally of the angry or transactional type
“We are often taught that anger and lust are closely linked and perhaps even belong together,” says Nagoski. ‘It is a lie.’
Are there times when anger and lust can coexist? Certainly, she says. But never in a healthy, functional long-term sexual connection.
‘Please let’s ditch the ‘angry sex’ narrative and replace it with playful sex. So much better for all of us.’
It must be spontaneous
It’s a myth that wanting and enjoying sex should happen easily, immediately, and in any context, Nagoski says — that the “natural” way to have sex is for it to arise spontaneously from mutual horniness.
We are also led to believe that if our partner doesn’t just want us, without effort or preparation, on a regular basis, then there is something wrong with him (or with us).
However, so-called ‘spontaneous desire’ is not associated with great sex in the long term. Rather, it’s ‘responsive desire’ – which often manifests in the form of planned sex – that makes couples hit the jackpot.
Spontaneous sex – when you’re both overcome by mutual horniness – is fun, but not associated with great sex in the long run
With a responsive desire – rather than a spontaneous desire – touch can bring the body to life
“Here you plan, prepare, get a babysitter, and then you show up. You put your body in bed, you let your skin touch your partner’s skin, and your body wakes up!
‘Responsive desire. No ‘passion’, no ‘spark’, but pleasure, trust and reciprocity. That is the fundamental empirical reason for valuing pleasure over spark.”
The more you have, the better it is
There is very little connection between the frequency of sex and sexual or relationship satisfaction, Nagoski says. Contrary to what you might think, hardly any of us have sex as often as we claim; we’re all too busy.
And she refuses to participate in the discussion about how often ‘normal’ is.
“What does the sexual frequency of the couples who participated in that study have to do with you, your relationship, or this season in your life?” she asks.
Nothing.
And everyone experiences droughts, including the author. So if you have one, that’s completely normal too.
People who cuddle after sex report much higher relationship satisfaction
You can’t become addicted to your vibrator, but it can ruin your ability to have sex with people
It’s about novelty and adventure
Neither orgasms, positions, nor variety of behavior define great sex in long-term relationships.
If there’s one “sexual behavior” that predicts sex and relationship satisfaction better than any other, it’s cuddling after sex.
Yes, good old-fashioned spooning.
“Extremely original sex may be fun for you (or it may not), but it’s not what makes for a satisfying long-term sex life for most people,” she says.
You can become addicted to a vibrator
Not true, although you can become ‘spoiled’ by it. That’s because if you orgasm much faster with a sex toy, that speed will likely adjust your expectations when you’re with a human.
This can lead to frustration that it ‘takes too long’.
Now you’re in a vicious circle because that frustration doesn’t make it any easier to come. In fact, you just hit the brakes on your orgasm.
Hotter people have better sex
‘People think it’s about attractiveness, about looking conventionally good-looking, or about having a perfect body.
‘The reality is that your body is sweet right now and your health cannot be measured on a scale. You were lied to. And the changes we experience with age are the fascinating prize we gain for being lucky enough to grow older.”
It’s about skills
The idea of a “skilled” lover is a myth, Nagoski says. “Unless you’re trying technically demanding BDSM practices like breath play, the only ‘skill’ you need is the ability to pay attention to your partner and your own internal experience at the same time.”
That, and communication.
And if communication fails, try to play.
“Even in my relationship with – confident haircut – really excellent communication, we can’t always reach each other,” says Nagoski. “But there’s one thing we always do well: we can laugh about ourselves.”
Getting together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections by Emily Nagoski is published by Ballantine Books