Kamala Harris’s secret beef with the Obamas… RFK Jr’s sneaky revenge… and free vasectomies in the parking lot! All the truly bizarre DNC gossip revealed in KENNEDY’s riotous Chicago dispatch

Tim Walz is everything Kamala Harris wants him to be: a steady Midwesterner, a brave veteran, a working-class hero, a bumbling oh no father – and, oh yeah, a compulsive liar!

This week I ventured into the depths of the universe to witness the Cult of Kamala at the Democratic National Convention in Chicago. After Gee-Whiz Walz’s debut party on Wednesday night, it was as clear as Oprah’s Ozempic habit why Mamala had chosen him.

Whether Coach Walz is spinning a story about using “weapons of war” during his fake fights, or making up a story about his long-suffering wife Gwen’s “IVF” treatment that never happened, this guy is willing to invest his credibility in the cause.

‘IVF and fertility treatments [are] “It’s personal for Gwen and me,” he told the crowd.

Personally, yes. In March, Walz came under fire after his team sent out a fundraising email titled “our IVF journey.”

Gwen later clarified. She had not undergone in vitro fertilization, but a much less invasive procedure known as intrauterine insemination, which is often used before IVF and does not face the same level of controversy (because it does not involve unborn embryos).

Of course Walz knows full well that Harris’ biggest weapon of Trump’s mass destruction is reproductive rights. But I guess facts don’t matter that much, do they Timmy?

The New York delegation was the first to get tired of his bleating. Five minutes before Governor Two Face was finished, the Empire clan had already headed for the exit.

New Yorkers are generally good at spotting scammers.

No baby love

If there’s one thing the Democrats want to make clear at this convention, it’s that they love, love, love Love not have children.

Thanks to Planned Parenthood, a mobile clinic for vasectomies and abortion pills parked around the corner from the United Center in Chicago. (There was an immediate waiting list.)

There’s also an 18-foot inflatable IUD called the ‘Freeda Womb’. At a ‘Hotties for Harris’ party (don’t ask), Plan B pills were thrown from a gumball machine that was next to a sign that read the bizarre ‘Tim Walz got me laid’.

Sorry, do you mean Doug Emhoff?

Doug House

Speaking of Doughy Doug, America’s potential first First Gentleman/nanny-stuper, set Twitter into overdrive on Tuesday when he awkwardly wrapped his arm around the waist of his aggressively tattooed, hairy daughter Ella.

Then he began to drool over his (second) wife in a mind-numbing vocal rant.

If “weird” is the word being thrown around too much this presidential season, this family is glad it did.

Obama Beef

And how did Mamala react to that bizarre scene?

Oh, she wasn’t even there. She was 90 miles away Tuesday night, holding a strangely timed campaign rally while Barack and Michelle Obama sang her praises from the convention stage.

Harris is rumored to have avoided the convention “out of respect” for Biden, who blames the Obamas for getting him knocked out of the race.

It is really the least Kamala could do after leading the coup.

Kennedy coup!

Independent candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr. is reportedly set to withdraw from the presidential race on Friday and endorse Donald Trump.

Ouch, that would kick Kamala in the ass.

Can you blame RFK Jr.?

For months, Democrats have targeted all of Kennedy’s aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters and mistresses (I’m kidding) in order to smear Rowdy Robbie’s character.

Perhaps Tuesday’s nonsensical speech, in which RFK Jr.’s cousin and Vogue’s new political correspondent Jack Schlossberg endorsed Harris, was the final straw.

PS If Schlossberg is a journalist… I’m Jackie Onassis!

Airplane annoying

On a crowded flight to Chicago, we heard a talkative young woman loudly bragging that she had been selected as the DNC delegate for Pennsylvania.

Then her boyfriend joined the conversation.

“She’s not even from Pennsylvania. She lives in New York,” he laughed. “Is that even legal?”

Why was this leggy Latina so sought after? In her own words, because she’s “brown.”

A DEI mercenary! How charming.

Grab and go

This week, CNN is hosting a cozy café at the convention center with free food where hungry journalists can congregate, just as they did in Milwaukee last month for the RNC.

Then, as readers may recall, I recounted how CNN’s Dana Bash gave me another sideways glance when I reached for a salad and a Coke Zero.

This time my RSVP for the cafeteria somehow got lost.

What’s a hungry girl to do? I slipped in through a side door and made off with a delicious ice cream.

Maggot chaos

The poor wretches in the Indiana delegation were nearly served a creepy, crawly protein on Wednesday when alleged pro-Palestinian idiots sprinkled maggots on their breakfast.

Police raided the Fairmont Hotel in the Windy City after panicked reports that the most important meal of the day had been tampered with.

These idiots who sympathize with genocide keep coming up with new ways to make us feel like we have to throw up.

Conventional climbing plant

There’s another creeper lurking around the United Center. None other than Mr. Convicted Perjurer himself, Michael Cohen.

He was heard bragging to an attractive young lady about how “close” he lived with Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump.

At some point, Mike, you’re going to have to stop abusing this.

Pro-Hamas horrors

After the festivities, I was followed home by an angry pro-Hamas activist who was very offended when I politely (not really) asked her if she cared that Israeli hostages were being held in Gaza.

She held her iPhone camera open for me and followed me for blocks, shouting curses.

Luckily, the only danger was that I would be bored to death.