I’m not bothered by the words men use about women we’re supposed to hate: fat, old, slut – or even fat old slut. My experience is that they say more about the person using them than about the person they are intended for. But if there’s one word men use about women that’s guaranteed to infuriate me, it’s “vulnerable” (dictionary definition: “can be easily hurt, influenced, or attacked”).
With the rise of therapy culture and the fetishization of feelings, Sad Girls have taken over from Bad Girls. Vulnerability is touted by men as an attractive trait.
I recently read a journalist speaking approvingly of three famous women he had interviewed – all very different – and he used the word ‘vulnerable’ of them all. Then there was the interview with Richard E Grant. ‘Why do I love Barbra (Streisand) so much?’ Grant asked. ‘I think because she is unique, contradictory, authentic, original, hilarious, heartbreaking, vulnerable and iron-willed.’
There are many words that could describe Barbra Streisand, but “vulnerable” wouldn’t be one of them. That’s a bit like saying Napoleon was nervous.
Marilyn Monroe appears to wipe away a tear, 1954
The V-word is a way to cut women down to size. In the piece I write about Marilyn Monroe, she says: ‘Most men want to see me suffer on screen… they call it ‘vulnerable’, so it doesn’t sound that bad, but that’s just a fancy word for easy to understand. hurt.’
Whenever I hear the word “vulnerable” used by a man about a woman, I suspect he is a sneaky little coward who is terrified of tough girls and wants to castrate them with kindness.
The V-word is a way to cut women down to size
Even stranger are women who use it themselves. Hilary Duff recently told Drew Barrymore that she is vulnerable when writing children’s books. Meghan, Duchess of Sussex, meanwhile, believes “every woman” is vulnerable when she is pregnant.
Any woman – even the one nicknamed “Tungsten” by her father-in-law, King Charles? Then there was The Hollywood Reporter’s Oscars 2018 Roundtable with Lady Gaga and Nicole Kidman, titled: ‘There is strength in vulnerability‘ – if Nicole Kidman is vulnerable, I’m Tom Cruise. Selena Gomez told Time in 2017: ‘I enjoy being vulnerable with my fans on social media.
I like that they saw my mistakes. I try to use that as a way to connect with them. I hope they know that strength doesn’t mean putting on a facade. Strength is being vulnerable.’
At a time when teenage girls are suffering from a mental health epidemic, caused largely by being vulnerable on social media, this is deeply unreliable philosophizing.
Some alleged feminists have tried to reclaim the word and insist that it is brave and modern to show your scars, but that is a lie. Women have always been given permission to show their emotions and appear weak, while someone who says, “This terrible thing happened to me, and I got over it very quickly,” is accused of being heartless or in denial.
In an age of demonization of the stiff upper lip, the happy woman whose bad experiences reflect on her rather than damage her threatens the touchy-feely status quo.
I remember reading an interview with singer Blu Cantrell in which the (female) journalist expressed her concern about the ‘toughness’ of the controlled star who dealt so honestly with her porn past (‘I was poor, it paid the rent’). It was considered a character flaw to be so sorted, but had she been ‘vulnerable’ Cantrell would undoubtedly have been liked by her examiner.
In the past, ambitious women had to pretend to be stupid to be acceptable; now they have to pretend to be traumatized. You might say that it’s better to flaunt your vulnerability than to try (as Janis Joplin and Amy Winehouse did) to drown your demons with sex, drugs and booze. But at least they lived nine lives for the price they paid: Today, the calling cards of too many pop and movie stars are panic attacks and anxiety.
There are so many excellent ways to be a woman. Triumphant, vibrant, vampiric – do you really want to be vulnerable? I do not think so.
Make Marilyn is at the Brighton Fringe from 3 to 4 May. Visit for tickets brightonfringe.org