Dear Jana,
I hope you are doing well. I have a small dilemma and could really use your advice. Since I was laid off in June, I’ve been selling feet pictures and, surprisingly, I’m making more money than I did at my previous job. My husband thinks I got a promotion and is very excited, but he has no idea about the nature of my work.
Given his jealousy and somewhat religious views, I worry about how he would react if I told him the truth. I really enjoy what I do and it gives me the freedom to pursue other passions. How can I approach this conversation without causing major problems?
Thanks for your help! Anonymously
Oh anonymous,
I can’t possibly understand why anyone would get jealous when you sell pictures of your tootsies. If it was your tata, sure! But those squiggly things attached to your foot are completely harmless and can be found on many beaches for miles around. So get ’em out, girl, and make that money!
If he has a problem with it, then I’d wonder how on earth you ended up with such a boring old fart.
You’ve found an inventive (and easy) way to make money. Bravo you. If it gives you some freedom as part of the package then it’s a win/win as far as I’m concerned.
Jana Hocking offers advice to three Aussies who have found themselves in a series of uncomfortable and disturbing scenarios
But (yes unfortunately there is a however) I think you have to confess. Can you imagine him meeting someone from your old work and finding out that way? Drama. Unnecessary drama.
So put your best food forward (oh I’m killing myself) and just tell him straight. Call me crazy, but I think his reaction might surprise you.
Dear Jana,
My partner and I recently started swinging, and it has really breathed new life into our marriage. But during a recent event, I unexpectedly reconnected with my first love and ended up sleeping with him while my husband was with someone else. This experience has stirred up old feelings and I am interested in sleeping with him again.
My ex said I wanted to know about future events I attend so we can do it again, but I’m worried about how my husband would feel if he knew about my past connection. Is it okay to keep this information to myself or should I be honest with him? I really enjoy these events and don’t want to jeopardize our new dynamic.
Anonymously.
Dear anonymous,
Oh, this is a head scratcher. Does it count as cheating if you’re at a swingers party? This is a tough one! I mean, on the one hand, hurray for reconnecting with someone you’re clearly having a good time with, but yeah, if I were the boyfriend, I don’t think I’d like the idea.
Hmm… okay, let me think about this for a moment… Okay, I got it!
You have to tell him. For the simple fact that you have both entrusted each other with a new sexy lifestyle that requires exactly that: trust in each other and trust in the relationship. Maybe don’t mention that you slept with your ex at a previous party. But bring up the fact that you heard your ex goes to these types of parties and ask your current partner how he would feel if you ran into him and fucked him.
Who knows, maybe he’ll find it exciting? In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if he asked to babysit both of you. That kind of kink is much more common than you might think. If not, weigh who means more to you and go with that. I’m betting on your current partner.
“Life is too short for regrets, but it’s also too long to deal with unnecessary drama. Keep it fun, but also smart,” Jana said
Hey Jana,
So my girlfriend and I were in Vegas, had a few too many drinks and ended up getting “married” by Elvis in one of those chapels. I knew it wasn’t legit in Australia, but now she actually wants to register it, and it’s driving me a bit crazy.
I’m not ready for the whole marriage thing yet, but I don’t want to hurt her feelings. How do I tell her without making it awkward?
Greetings, Anonymous
Dear anonymous,
Oh lord, if we were all held accountable for the things we said/did/swore after a few too many margaritas, we’d find ourselves in all sorts of situations! Not gonna lie, this story gives Britney Spears circa 2004 vibes.
But let me start by saying that you would love to go on holiday with us! I love the idea of a spontaneous wedding – it’s a great story to tell the grandkids! That said, I understand; once you actually register it, you’re stuck.
Anyone who has emerged from the grim depths of a divorce will tell you that it’s not worth the fun of a stupid night out. So trust your feeling. If it’s not the right time, then it’s not the right time.
My advice would be: when you talk to her, be gentle but firm. Avoid bland language that might give her hope that you will change your mind. Frame it as a “let’s enjoy where we are” vibe. Maybe suggest checking off a few more relationship goals before diving into something permanent.
Sure, it’s a fun dinner party story, but emphasize that a real wedding deserves more attention than just a night in Vegas. You’d be surprised how well we women take the truth. Sure, there may be a few tears, but in the long run she will appreciate your honesty. If not, do just that: run.