If you’ve been following my dating adventures for a while, you know I’m fascinated by open relationships. Or “ethically non-monogamous” relationships as they are called today.
As someone who has struggled with the whole “commitment” thing for as long as I can remember, my ears perked up when people started embracing it. Could this be the answer to my relationship problems? If the relationship was open, wouldn’t I feel so claustrophobic and trapped? Hmm… an interesting concept.
My therapist’s response was “no, let’s get to the root of this fear.” My response was ‘this sounds like a great quick fix, let’s give it a try!’
So I ignored her no doubt very wise advice and jumped at the chance when a very attractive man came into my life. He was tall, dark and… well… married. But before you boo and hiss, let me first explain, as he did to me in great detail, that he had a very mutually agreeable open relationship.
Now, like any girl who has been in the single scene for a while, I approached this with caution and a little bit of hesitation. Was he real? God knows I’ve heard that old line before from dudes who’ve been in town on “business” for convenience. Oh yes, they have an open relationship, their wives back home just don’t know about it. Seriously, go to any bar in the CBD and you’ll find a line like that.
He booked a very nice restaurant and we had a really lovely evening. Looking back, the first red flag was when his wife called during the date, writes Jana Hocking (above)
Anyway, this wasn’t Tom, Dick or Harry, this was a guy I’d known for a while, and there had always been rumors about his marriage. So when he brought it up with me, I was happy to find out that the rumors were true. He asked if I would be interested in going on a date with him, and I said yes, as long as he got permission from his wife. Even writing that sentence still sounds so shocking to me.
Anyway, that’s how it went, and when hubby gave it a big thumbs up, we booked a night out on the town. Yes, this was not a behind closed doors scenario, he was literally allowed to go on real dates.
He booked a very nice restaurant and we had a really lovely evening. Looking back, the first red flag was when his wife called during the date to check if he had remembered to feed the dog, or should she. He assured her he had fed the dog and we went back to our date.
Then it happened again on our second date. She called to check if he’d brought his house key, or if she should leave one for him under the mailbox – because she was going out on her own date and wasn’t sure she’d be home to let him in. This whole scenario is seriously insane. Anyway, once again he assured her that he had his own house key and we continued our date.
Then I noticed she started looking at all my Instagram stories. We didn’t follow each other (that would have been TOO weird) but she kept an eye on my online activities. Girl make sure you have a fake insta account if you are going to do that. All good super sleuths know that!
On our third date, I brought it up with him. I wondered if she was comfortable with him dating other people and he assured me she was fine, but we girls know in our souls when something is really off.
By the time it came to committing to a fourth date, things just didn’t sit right with me, writes Jana
I had empathy for her. On a smaller scale, I felt like I had been in her place. To me, it’s like going on a few dates with a guy, but you haven’t had an “are we exclusive” conversation and you’re scrolling through his insta late at night to see if there are any other girls in the picture. Been there, done that, totally get it. However, this was on a much larger scale. Her husband was dating someone else and she wanted to know all the details!
By the time it came to committing to a fourth date, things just didn’t sit right with me. It felt a little too messy and not the easy, casual relationship I was looking for.
So I politely bowed and ticked “open relationship” off my to-do list. I’m not sure where their relationship stands these days, but if I were a gambler, my odds would be “not good.”
Talking to a friend about it a few months later, she opened up about her own “open relationship” policy — she and her husband both travel for work and have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. She said it came back to bite her in the ass when she made the mistake of sleeping with the same person more than once outside of her marriage.
She said that’s when feelings get involved, and it gets really messy. (Huh, I was right!). She said she nearly blew up her entire marriage after getting too close with a traveling companion. She says it was her kids and huge mortgage that finally held her back. Explaining that choosing the other man was way too complicated and expensive. So instead she changed jobs, worked on her marriage and is glad she didn’t get carried away.
She still enjoys the occasional banter outside of her marriage, but makes it a strict rule never to sleep with the same person more than once. I’m still calling BS on this insurance plan because, as we all know, the most earth-shattering sex can become quite addictive, and why wouldn’t you want to go back for more? It’s a risky risky game she’s playing.
So sure, if open marriages work for you, very well. I tip my hat to you because good lord, they’re not all sexy fun and games. Oh no. They come with baggage, mixed feelings and a whole lot of mind games. No, not for me.