My Instagram DMs are a dirty affair. On any given day you might encounter an unwanted dick pic, a thirsty guy trying to get my attention or the occasional Andrew-Tate-loving troll reminding me that “I’ve hit a wall” blah blah blah.
But sometimes I come across something that makes me sit up, and that certainly happened yesterday.
A woman entered my DMs with a pressing question. She explained that she had been having an affair with a married man for the past five years and was thinking about telling his wife.
Alarm bells people, alarm bells!
The text was not entirely correct at first. She said: ‘NEEDED advice. If you were the other woman, would you tell the woman who has been married for ten years and having an affair for five years and feels like she needs to know?’
Jana Hocking received a message this week from a young ‘mistress’ who had a five-year affair
Now I wanted clarity on the details here, so I said, “So you’re the single woman and he’s been married for ten years but has been having an affair with you for five?”
She replied, “Unfortunately I don’t want to, but it’s getting to a point now, ugh.”
As soon as I read it, I knew this woman had one intention: to break up this couple. So I just replied, ‘No, you want to tell her, so they break up.’
She immediately messaged back and said, “We will never be together again for other reasons, I think I’ve been given a moral compass and now it’s eating me up. I don’t want to separate them, but I think there is some truth in that.’
What total BS the first part of that post is! There are two possible things that happened here:
1. He dumped her and she is now out for revenge. Or…
2. She’s done sharing him with his wife and wants to drop a bomb in hopes he’ll end up with her.
This woman hadn’t suddenly had a “come to Jesus” moment and decided the woman needed to know. No no. This is a woman out for revenge. The big hint was when she said, “I think there’s some truth in that.”
This woman hadn’t suddenly had a “come to Jesus” moment and decided the woman needed to know. No no. This is a woman out for revenge. The big hint was when she said, “I think there’s some truth in that.”
I’ve seen this scenario happen many times in my dating life and let me tell you now that it never ends well for anyone involved.
Oh, the late night phone calls I’ve gotten from friends crying, “I really don’t think he’ll ever leave her.” I always want to scream ‘No sh*t’. And here’s what people forget: certain things may seem sexy and mysterious at first, but once feelings get involved – which they always do – you end up on a roller coaster ride of emotions.
From my own experience, the man just wants some sexy time outside his marriage, and the reassurance that he is still attractive to other women. You know, the ones who don’t ask him to take out the trash and help with the kids’ lunches.
Given the opportunity to sneak away for a nudie fun time, and then return to a cozy family life, it seems like the dream. It’s the definition of ‘have your cake and eat it too’. The best of both worlds.
And of course, at first, women will tell themselves that it’s cool: “I just want to have a little fun, and I’m still dating other guys.” Except then they stop dating other guys, or if they do, they start comparing them to Mr. Affair and complaining that no one can match how great he is.
Why? Because they caught the feeling. which we knew they would do. And before you know it, the affair is no longer sexy and secretive, but painful and unfair (and just as painful to watch from the sidelines).
Let’s face it, he’s a bad guy for doing it, you’re kind of a bad woman for getting involved, and sometimes you just gotta know when to stop
A few years ago I had the opportunity to have an affair and I’m not going to lie, for a second it was pretty tempting. (Yes, I’m human). Except I remembered a story my mother told me in my late teens about a woman at work who had been in a relationship with a married man for the past ten years, thinking he would eventually leave his wife.
She said the woman was now in her forties and there was nothing wrong with it (at the time I thought being in my forties was so old, sigh). No husband, no children, no white picket fence. She had held on to the hope for years that they would end up together, but nothing had come of it.
That story has always stuck with me, and the thought of wasting my best dating years pining for a man who would never be mine just sounds so grim.
The problem is that every woman thinks she will be the exception to the rule. We’ve all heard of someone who has left their partner for someone else. It just doesn’t happen as often as people think. According to the latest findings, only 3 to 5% of married men who have an affair divorce their wives and marry their mistresses.
And here’s something else to think about: If you’re in that 5%, do you really think you’ll ever trust your partner? The same study found that 60% of people who marry after an affair end up divorced.
It seems pretty depressing when you think about it. At the very least, it certainly takes the shine off that cheeky caress you had with a married colleague at your recent work drinks. Believe me, save your tears and abort the mission. That sexy affair you’re considering will only end in pain. Just like the woman who spent five years digging into her affair and considering blowing up not only her marriage, but possibly her sanity as well.
I leave you with my final message to her: “Yes, you would do it for selfish reasons. I would just give them total distance.”
Because let’s face it, he’s a bad guy for doing it, you’re kind of a bad woman for getting involved, and sometimes you just gotta know when to stop.
So let’s all avoid dropping bombs and putting ourselves in awkward situations and getting the ‘D’ from someone without attachments… like a woman.