I've dated some doozies in my time, but there's one particular guy who really takes the cake. My friends and I still call him the super cheater. Is it a bird? Is it an airplane? No, it's the super cheater who throws his dick everywhere.
You know, a few years ago I was stuck in a toxic relationship. It was one of those all-consuming love affairs that you hear about but never think you'd be naive enough to get involved in.
I had never experienced such intoxicating love. You see, my first long-term boyfriend was a sweet, kind, safe man. That was great for my small town upbringing, but once I got out into the real world I discovered that there were other types of men who made my heart race in a different kind of way.
Not a good way, dear reader. Not a good way. I think the term for it is now 'emotionally unavailable', and I was a big fan of guys like this.
And so it was that I found myself in a relationship with a man who would truly shake up my nervous system. He was tanned, had broad shoulders and a loud, robust personality that lit up any room he entered.
A few years ago I found myself stuck in a toxic relationship. It was one of those all-consuming love affairs you hear about, but you never think you'd be naive enough to get involved in it.
I was addicted and so I said goodbye to my brain and all common sense.
The first time he cheated on me, I was traumatized. I remember getting a phone call while driving that stunned me so much that I had to pull over to the side of the road.
The call was from my mother letting me know that a close family friend had just seen my boyfriend making out with a girl at McDonald's.
Yes, infidelity with a portion of fries.
After hanging up, I stared out the window for about five minutes trying to process what I had been told before bursting into tears and crying until I felt like I had let the well dry up.
Now my mother wasn't a fan of this man – in fact, no one was – so by telling me this information she hoped I would finally put him aside.
But my foolish old heart denied. I started calling. I need more information, more, more, more. Was I trying to find out all the details or was I desperately trying to talk to someone who could dispel the rumor that I knew deep down to be true? I wasn't sure which one.
I was on holiday abroad with a friend. We were having a great time until I got a text from a friend who had been at a party with my boyfriend and one of my best friends. I called his phone, but he didn't answer. I called her phone and she didn't answer (names changed)
I think I knew exactly who the woman was before my mother even said what she looked like. We couldn't have been more opposite.
They say a woman's intuition never lies, and from the moment he first mentioned her name, I felt something uneasy deep in my stomach. She was the new girlfriend of one of his friends and because she was a bit of a tomboy, she came along on their fishing trips and dirt bike rides.
Meanwhile, I worked in fashion media. Oh, the irony.
He denied it until he was blue in the face, and even got the woman to call me and deny it herself. He said he had just asked her for a ride home from work because he had lost his driver's license (of course he had) and they were stopping by for a few Maccas.
Even though I knew deep down that he was lying when he said they didn't kiss, I decided to believe him, and we continued. What they don't tell you about cheating is that if you decide to stay in the relationship, it will never be the same.
I started getting paranoid when we went out. Who was he talking to? Were there any beautiful girls in the room he could try to hook up with? What did all his friends say about me? Do they think I'm an idiot for believing him?
I turned into an inspector gadget that searched his phone while he slept, monitored his whereabouts when I was out of town, and constantly checked Instagram Stories to see if I could spot him. I hated who I was becoming.
A year later I took a trip abroad. He was hopeless at saving money and had no interest in traveling, so I went with a friend. We were having a great time until I got a text from a friend saying, “Hey honey, I don't mean to pressure you, but *Jack just left our party with *Sarah. Honey, they were flirting all night. Everyone is talking about it, so I wanted you to hear it from me and not from anyone else.”
*Sarah was part of my friend group and had just broken up with her boyfriend. I remember it so clearly; I was walking down the street on my way to lunch and I felt numb.
I called his phone, but he didn't answer. I called her phone and she didn't answer. So I texted them both and said, “Please tell me you guys aren't together?”
I was given radio silence for the next 24 hours. It was hell.
I turned into an inspector gadget that searched his phone while he slept, kept an eye on his whereabouts when I was out of town, and constantly checked Instagram stories to see if I could see him. I hated who I was becoming
He called me the next day to deny it of course, but by then I had already gotten a call from another friend who said: *Sarah had called her in tears and said she had messed up royally. She gave a list of the usual excuses: “I was drunk,” “I was rebounding,” “I just wanted to get revenge on my ex.” But didn't call me.
Instead of dealing with the situation calmly, I chose chaos. The rest of my journey passed in a blur of partying, crying, kissing other boys in an attempt to feel release, and acting completely out of character.
When I flew home a week later, I looked at my hungover self and just thought, “Who have I become?” I didn't even recognize myself anymore.
The next day I booked myself in to see a hypnotherapist that a friend had been raving about, to see if she could offer me a quick solution to a problem that would realistically require a solid few months of therapy.
I don't know if she fooled me into believing I had the power to dump him, or if it actually worked, but I went straight to his house afterward and broke up with him. I explained that I could no longer tolerate his lies and that I would never trust him again.
If something doesn't feel right, get a second opinion from a loved one or a therapist. It certainly worked for me
The next month, people came out of the woodwork to share with me stories they had heard about his deception. It turns out he was quite the lothario when we were together.
It took a long time for me to trust someone again – in fact, I still don't think I've recovered – but I have quite a few friends who are in healthy relationships, so I know it's possible.
He's married now with kids, and I really hope he's grown up, but when it comes to serial cheaters, do you think that's possible? I'm not entirely convinced.
Here are some things they don't tell you about dating a serial cheater and why you should consider leaving after the first red flag:
1. The effects will last long after the relationship ends. Therapy is your friend.
2. You'll be terrified if you have to get an STD check for a mistake you didn't even make. Miraculously, I was free.
3. You'll still get a little paranoid about dating someone new. I believe this is called “baggage.”
4. You lose self-respect – especially if you choose to stay. Fortunately, friends and therapy will help you once you cut them out of your life. You get it back.
5. You may deceive yourself in an attempt to get revenge. You won't feel good about yourself, and it won't solve the problem. Um…did I mention therapy?
I think the real lesson I've learned through all of this is that you have to trust your gut. When those red flags are waving, pay attention and run away. Curse him for ruining Macca's for me – the cheeseburgers just never tasted the same.