JANA HOCKING IN THE BIRDCAGE: The Ozempic trend we ALL noticed, who I spied snorting in the bathrooms – and how I discovered the REAL after-party when a very exclusive marquee dared to turn ME away!

As the Melbourne Cup Carnival draws to a close today with the ‘race that stops the nation’, Mail+ columnist Jana Hocking talks about her sensational day at the exclusive Birdcage enclosure on Derby Day. With her signature candor, Jana reveals how the celebrity rise left a lot to be desired, the surprising Ozempic trend that was impossible to ignore, and how she stumbled upon the ultimate afterparty after being turned away from the “old man” joint. .

It is a well known fact that Derby Day is the Real holiday of the Spring Racing Carnival. Sure, the Melbourne Cup is fun, but if you want to mingle with the elite, the Birdcage enclosure on Derby Day is the place to be.

It’s the day when international celebrities – those who have been paid big bucks to make appearances – are flown into town for a day of champagne and shoulder rubs. For years I liked the photos on the social pages until I was invited myself.

This was the fourth time I had experienced Derby Day. Filled with fond memories of my past three years, I was keen to be there when I arrived at Flemington Racecourse.

In previous years I’ve danced with politicians, had saucy conversations with TV presenters, flirted wildly with reality stars and made instant friendships with many famous women in the posh toilets.

Perhaps my favorite memory is a bawdy, hilarious conversation I had with a podcast host, a weatherman, and a well-known reality TV producer. We were chatting, the sky turning blue, when a very drunk female television star stumbled forward to announce that she was bored in the marquee she was in (and no doubt fuming from the lack of attention she was getting) and shouted at her. as he looked straight at me, “Come on, let’s go somewhere else. There are too many sluts here!’

Of course we were all shocked and glared at her. The producer calmly replied, “No, we’re staying, but maybe you should go get water.” Watching her stomp away in a huff was priceless. It seems the rumor that she was a “mean girl” was true.

So on Saturday I put on a black dress (the dress code is strictly black and white), put on my highest heels (rookie mistake) and off I went. As I crossed the bridge from the normal race track to the bountiful Birdcage enclosure, which separates regular racegoers from the VIPs, I was ready to see what was on offer.

Did I have fun? Yes of course! Was it everything I expected? Oh no. Here are the five things that surprised me – and they prove that Derby Day is no longer the raucous event it used to be.

No Sydney celebrities – and no international guests

Gone are the days of flying into Melbourne Airport on a Friday and expecting to encounter fellow Sydneysiders with designer dresses and suit bags ready for the races. The fact that I was the only one should have been the first sign that this year was going to be a very different Melbourne Cup Carnival.

After I landed, I couldn’t spot a single celebrity, not even a Z-lister. It was a similar story Derby day. Sure, there were a small number of lower tier Sydney stars in attendance (I’m including former reality stars and the like) but the absence of big names was noticeable to all. Luckily, David and Candice Warner were there to bring some sporting glamor to Flemington, and Michael Clarke turned heads with his gorgeous new girlfriend. But that’s it!

As for Melbourne celebrities, there were plenty of them. As a Sydney girl, I get in trouble for saying this, but they really show us the style at stake. Nadia Bartel? She looked a million dollars. Lauren Phillips? Simply stunning.

The absence of big names from Sydney and abroad was noticeable as Jana flitted between the marquees. Luckily Candice Warner (left) was around to provide plenty of sporty glamour

I didn’t see any notable international guests. There was a time when British and American accents floated through the air as you walked through the Birdcage, but now it’s just the same old Australian accent.

Look, there was Cody Simpson. He is, in theory, an international artist. But let’s be honest, no one calls him international anymore since he put down his guitar and put on a pair of Speedos to resume his competitive swimming career.

I couldn’t help but long for the years when you could watch Miranda Kerr, Elle MacPherson and Snoop Dogg cooking with Australia’s best. These days are unfortunately a thing of the past.

The best marquee wasn’t a marquee, and it wasn’t in Flemington either

The party tents in the Birdcage were particularly picky about who they let in this year. I was lucky enough to visit the three main ones – Penfolds (nice!), Lexus (snoring a bit) and Mumm (my favorite by far) – but there was hardly any marquee hopping this year, with most celebrities under strict orders to remain in the marquee they were invited to. It kind of took away from the fun of flitting from one party to the next. And due to the lockdowns, there was little to no flexibility on the guest list.

While I was able to move around freely in the marquees, I was rejected by TAB. Yes, TAB! An insider told me I hadn’t missed anything – it was apparently filled to the brim with ‘old man gamblers’, so no great loss for a gal like me.

But I had it from very good sources that the real party was held after the race, at Melbourne’s iconic Bar Bambi, and sponsored by Don Julio. It was the official afterparty, so of course I was there. And I’m not kidding, the celebrities kept themselves pretty tame on the track so they could do that Real release at sunset. It felt like the good old days when everyone was allowed to mingle and come together.

Birdcage organizers, take note!

Jana (pictured here with her friends Laura Csortan and Hollie Nasser) thought the Mumm tent was the best because of its refreshing lack of social hierarchy. The other parties, on the other hand, seemed to distinguish between guests and VIPs

Ozempic? Never heard of it!

It was the curves in the center of the Birdcage – and it was beautiful to see.

In fact, it was probably the first thing I noticed when I arrived as I looked at the lovely ladies waving between the marquees.

A walk through Flemington provided ample evidence that ‘underground Ozempic’ has not (yet) hit our southern state like it has in Sydney – where at every party people talk about ‘which doctor do you use?’ and the shady operators who sell it online.

The women showed off their curves in form-fitting dresses and there was nary a malnourished starlet in sight. Unlike Sydney’s parties, where most food is ignored due to ‘loss of appetite’, celebrities wolfed down the caviar, chips and chicken sandwiches.

And it really helped with the hangover the next day. Huzzah!

Jana is used to everyone on the Sydney party scene talking about Ozempic. But it was a very different world in Melbourne, where women seem to embrace their natural curves

Even in the Birdcage you feel B-quality

Entering the Birdcage may put you a step above the average gambler, but once you’re inside, you quickly realize you’re nothing special.

Yes, there’s a hierarchy in the fence and that VIP invite – the one you jumped for joy when it happened pinged! in your inbox weeks early – it only takes you so far.

A Birdcage guest realizes quite early on where he sits in the unspoken hierarchy. The three main marquees – Penfolds, Lexus and Mumm – all have VIP areas where the Real A-listers are invited to sit-down dinners, specially reserved seating and, in Penfold’s case, wine tastings. Nothing puts you back in your box like transforming into a Birdcage tent, only to discover that the inner sanctum is off-limits.

However, there was one exception. That was the Mumm marquee, the place to be at the end of the day, when the bubbles (dispensed on a fantastic Sushi Train-inspired conveyor belt) start going to your brain. They had the best DJ and everyone shuffled onto the dance floor like it was Studio 54. At the end of the day, there was no hierarchy – even if you felt like a third-class passenger upon arrival.

Note to self: Find out how to get invited to the sit-down lunches.

Jana thinks this year was the best behaved Birdcage she has ever seen. “Look, it was a victory for law and order, but part of me was like, ‘Bring back the trashy celebrities!’ she writes.

The cost of living has hit Birdcage’s powder room

How do I put this delicately… Australia’s racing is sometimes known for, shall we say, less than legal extracurricular activities.

But this year may have been the most well-behaved year I’ve ever seen—and I don’t attribute that to any spiritual awakening among the revelers, but rather to the cost of living crisis.

In times gone by, socialites would pile into the toilet cubicles for some, er, refreshment is a common sight, but on Derby Day this year I barely heard a sniffle in the bathrooms.

Now of course I was a witness some misbehaving celebrities in the Birdcage – I mean, it is Spring racing. But the usual suspects – the ones who used to say a ‘cheeky word’ before even saying hello – were eerily quiet on Saturday.

There was little to no obvious nose wiping as small groups left the toilet stall, no ‘do you want to take a bump?’ asked by famous athletes and business people.

In fact, the marquees had been scaled back from their glory days and everyone kept themselves relatively tidy. Look, it was a victory for law and order, but part of me thought, “Bring back the trashy celebrities!”