JACI STEPHEN: The most impressive and boring award show is… The 2023 Golden Globes!

There are quite a few things in life that bore me. Sean Penn every time he opens his mouth, anti-vaccine, Harry and Meghan: tolerance is not my middle name.

But the 80 Golden Globes took boredom to a whole new level, so much so that I thought I had entered the early stages of rigor mortis.

And, apparently, the United States agrees. The TV rating absolutely tanked, down 23% from 2021 to its lowest viewership.

Airing on NBC after a hiatus last year, following allegations of racism at the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, whose members make up the judging panel, it was deemed time for a shakeup. Unfortunately, it was the opposite. Far from shaking things up, the HFPA delivered a watered-down three-hour cocktail of tedium so impressive that even the audience, normally so practiced at putting on fake smiles, especially when the camera is focused, looked as if they’d rather be on a one-way ticket than Euthanasia.

The host, Jerrod Carmichael, said he was only there because he was black and he was also being paid $500,000. He looked like he was asleep on the job. Maybe he was, which is why, after pacing the stage during the opening monologue, every word seeming to have to be extracted from him with a pair of pliers, he sat on the edge of the stage.

Would it ever get going? Was he just nervous? Delivering his material with all the speed of a mutilated sloth, he came to life only when he told the audience to shut up, which he did several times throughout, in a moment truly exasperated by the noise level. . It’s called losing your audience, dude.

We learn that the real reason he was given the job was because the director had told him that he was cast because he was a very talented comedian. Really? Where is the humor in saying that the HFPA did not have a black member until the death of George Floyd? Or that the Beverly Hills Hilton, where the event was taking place, was ‘the hotel that killed Whitney Houston’. Two people who died in tragic circumstances. There was a couple of giggles from the room, but both ‘jokes’ were largely met with the kind of faces people make when they find out he’s chosen the coffee creamer in a box of chocolates.

The host, Jerrod Carmichael (above), said he was only there because he was black and was also being paid $500,000.

It didn’t really get much of a laugh at all, the low point of any comedian’s life, but awards audiences constantly face this problem now. Do they laugh or boo? Do they laugh at tasteless jokes and risk the camera catching their guffaws, or do they sit stone-faced and look suitably disgusted to convey their self-righteousness?

This batch seemed genuinely confused and looked duller than any actor I’ve ever seen. In my experience, they tend to enjoy these events, especially the winners, but the Oscars less so. where you have to spend eight hours without going to the bathroom.

When Ricky Gervais hosted the 2020 Golden Globes, the audience thought he was in hysterics, aside from Tom Hanks. Despite Gervais calling out Hollywood’s elite for being the critics they undoubtedly are, they seemed to record a fundamental truth: preaching to others about the state of the world while basking in their mansions and expressing moral outrage while at the same time turning blind. watch out for predator and rapist Harvey Weinstein.

But Hollywood has always presented itself as a great moral arbiter. As they did last night, the actors take the opportunity, in their speeches, to lecture everyone else on what they should or shouldn’t do, before hopping into their Bentleys for the ride home.

There was widespread outrage among Hollywood’s elite at the 2022 Oscars when Will Smith slapped Chris Rock onstage for allegedly insulting his wife. But that outrage did not last long. Jesus did not forgive tax collectors one-tenth the time it takes to forgive those who stray.

At least Brendan Fraser stood his ground and boycotted this year’s awards, despite being nominated, after claiming HFPA Phil Berk sexually assaulted him.

Last night’s speeches will also go down as the dullest in awards ceremony history. The tedious shape of things to come became clear when Ke Huy Quan took the stage to collect the award for Best Supporting Actor in any Motion Picture: Everything Everywhere, All At Once. His acceptance speech continued. And in. And in. Dear God, was I ever going to stop? Where was Carmichael barking instructions from him when you needed him?

The same was true for Michele Yeoh, who took home the Best Actress in a Motion Picture – Musical or Comedy award for the same film. She also played and played, and even yelled at the pianist, Chloe Flower, whose music was her cue to leave the stage, for her to shut up. Flower would have been forgiven for wrapping a piano wire around her neck.

Waking up in speeches aside, the problem with most speeches was the endless thank yous. Austin Butler, who won Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture for Elvis, couldn’t help but declare his endless love for everyone: his fellow nominees, Lisa Marie Presley, Elvis himself. Love gushed from every pore of him. Is there someone you don’t love? As Elvis sang – Baby, I Don’t Care.

Ke Huy Quan’s acceptance speech (above) continued. And in. And in. Dear God, was I ever going to stop? Where was Carmichael barking instructions from him when you needed him?

Austin Butler (above), who won Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture for Elvis, couldn’t help but declare his endless love for everyone: his fellow nominees, Lisa Marie Presley, Elvis himself.

A question about the beeps that you play to say bad words: why don’t you play them also to blaspheme? I’m not a religious enthusiast, but I find it strange that if someone got on stage and blasphemed Muhammad, there would be outrage. But in a way, it’s okay to say ‘Jesus Christ!’

There were some good speeches in the middle of the ocean of words. Ryan Murphy received the Carol Burnett Award, and while he seemed to thank everyone there, it was a heartfelt speech that made one realize how far we’ve come in terms of diversity, outside of the HFPA.

Visually, the event offered nothing in terms of excitement or glitz, either, and the room was just as disappointing, namely those hideous gold-colored chairs you find at every hotel conference room and looked like they’d been pulled out of a dumpster by the night. late. Couldn’t the event manager have at least put a nice bow cover over them, to make it more attractive to the spectators? The hideous gold/orange ensemble was also disgusting, like something out of the 1930s, plain and oversized. Aida could easily lose an army of Egyptians in a scenario like that.

However, it did make us laugh when Sean Penn appeared on stage in a tan that blended easily into the orange background. He didn’t look in a mirror before leaving home?

As for directing: nonsensical shots of people’s heads, the occasional chair seat, moving away from the main stage with often shaky weird camera angles, for no reason. At several points, the speech was also slightly out of sync.

And get a bigger place. The winners were taking too long to get onstage, especially some of the women in huge billowy dresses that made you worry they might be in traction at the end of their speeches.

At least there were some great costumes, and for the most part, the dresses were better than the ones that were featured at the Emmys last year. Jenny Ortega on Netflix Wednesday stunned in Gucci, as did Jessica Chastain in Oscar de la Renta and Lily James in Atelier Versace. Poor Lily said that what she wanted most was to get ahead, and from the way she clutched her waist, apparently distraught, on the red carpet, it was impossible not to feel her pain.

At least Brendan Fraser (above) stood his ground and boycotted this year’s awards, despite being nominated, after claiming HFPA Phil Berk sexually assaulted him.

It did, however, make us laugh when Sean Penn (above) appeared on stage in a tan that blended easily into the orange background. He didn’t look in a mirror before leaving home?

Clare Danes arrived in Giambattista Valli Haute Couture, but with a cream pattern of squares and a pink bow that made her look as if she’d been storming Downton Abbey’s drapery rails. The sublime Billy Porter did not disappoint, as usual, resurrecting his 2019 Oscars look in a tuxedo gown, but this time in fuchsia.

Jerrod Carmichael looked amazing with several costume changes, which was lucky since he was in dire need of something to detract from his material.

Inevitably, I didn’t like the results very much. Where was The Menu on the winners list? The star of that brilliant movie, Ralph Fiennes? How Wednesday and Jenny Ortega didn’t pick up anything?

Overall, it was the dullest awards night in living memory. Based on last night’s evidence, maybe next year we can go back to the ceremony without being broadcast at all.