It’s time to stop doing yourself down! Women are terrible at minimising themselves, says this top psychotherapist. Here’s how to be MUCH more confident in 2025

Being humble is often seen as a positive trait. But what happens when this sympathetic trait goes too far?

As women, we are conditioned to always present ourselves as inferior, downplay our achievements, and diminish our personalities so that we take up less space in the world.

Many of us don’t even realize we’re doing it. But the truth is that this self-minimizing behavior comes from fear.

When we deliberately diminish ourselves, we are trying to control what other people think of us – to prevent them from feeling jealous of our achievements or irritated by our opinions.

We fear that people will stop liking us when confronted with the raw, authentic version of ourselves.

But when you reduce yourself to others, you unknowingly help them overlook your talents, invalidate your feelings, and ignore your needs.

In other words, you end up letting yourself down, which only leaves more room for those who aren’t afraid to take up space to thrive in your place.

As a psychotherapist, I work with countless people who habitually minimize themselves, leaving them with a damaged self-image, a harsh inner critic, and low self-confidence.

Now I want to help you recognize the signs that you’re minimizing yourself – and show you how to stop doing so so you can live a happier, more fulfilling life.

You lie about your success

You are talking to a friend who wants to know more about your work or private life. Maybe you recently got a promotion, or just got back from a wonderful vacation, but you don’t want to come across as “boastful” when things aren’t going well for him or her.

So keep the good news to yourself.

You may think you are protecting the other person from feelings of jealousy or disappointment, but this is just your own vulnerability dressed up as altruism.

You’re trying to protect yourself from being on the receiving end of their negativity, and from appearing “too much” in their eyes.

In this situation, remind yourself that other people are perfectly capable of withstanding the difficult feelings that your successes may evoke.

And if not, maybe you should consider getting rid of it altogether. True friends can celebrate your successes, but also commiserate with your losses.

The next time you have the opportunity to share good news, try to be honest. You don’t have to wax lyrical, but mention the fact together with an accompanying feeling, so that you indicate that you are only sharing nice news instead of bragging. So for example: ‘We had such a lovely holiday, I feel really refreshed’ or ‘I got that promotion I’ve been working towards, I feel like my hard work has paid off’.

Think of how nice it can feel from your own perspective to hear the good news from a friend and share in his or her joy.

You keep your opinions to yourself

It can be difficult to challenge someone if he or she has an opinion that is at odds with yours, especially if it is a personal matter. Taking a step back, remaining silent, perhaps even nodding in agreement, may seem like the safest option.

Of course, sometimes it’s good to exercise restraint and respect the fact that people think differently about things.

But it can also be an act of self-rejection. You’re sending yourself the message that your real opinions don’t matter, or are less important than those of others, which means you’re even less likely to speak up in the future. It’s a vicious circle.

I’m not saying you should argue with the person you disagree with. Especially if you are in a professional situation, or if you do not know the other person well.

But your beliefs still need to be validated; your inner voice still needs to be heard.

The next time you’re tempted to swallow thoughts or opinions, consider it a challenge to be honest in a non-confrontational way. You could say something like, “It’s so interesting to hear your thoughts on this project, especially since I’m approaching it from such a different angle,” or “I know what you said was meant as a lighthearted joke, but if I’ To be honest, I found it quite hurtful.’

Even if you feel like you can’t express yourself right now, it’s important that you can share these feelings instead of bottling them up. Replaying what happened in your head over and over again will only upset you more.

Make sure you have two to three people in your life that you trust and feel safe with. After a disagreement with someone else, you can call or text one of them and tell them what just happened. Explain why you got angry and what you would have liked to say in response.

The positive, supportive words you receive in return will boost your self-esteem. This may also increase the chance that you will express yourself more honestly next time.

You feel like an impostor

Do you ever look at a powerful, confident woman in a position of authority and be convinced that she couldn’t possibly doubt herself the way you do? Do you shrink in her presence and automatically bow to her supposed wisdom?

This is a mistake.

You might tell yourself that she is functioning at a higher level that you cannot reach. But the truth is, she has as many sides as you do; she just happens to be showing the best version of herself right now. She’s almost certainly experiencing Imposter Syndrome too – and recognizing this can help boost her self-confidence.

Remember, we see the different facets of who We are, but other people are not: the crying wreck on a Sunday evening at the prospect of a difficult work week; the exhausted mother who yelled at her children and felt like a failure.

So the next time you feel overshadowed, remind yourself that it is possible to be a confident, competent speaker who is good at what he does and also experience those moments of vulnerability without one taking over from the other .

You don’t ask for what you need

You’re in a meeting that’s about to end, and someone just asked if anyone has any last questions. You have a burning question, but now that things are wrapping up and you feel like everyone is ready to go, you don’t want to discourage people from leaving. And so you swallow it again.

Or maybe you’re hungry, there’s one cookie left on the plate and no one will accept it. And yet, instead of satisfying your need for something to eat, you keep looking at it because you don’t want to be seen as the “greedy” person who grabbed the last one for yourself.

Next time, take a deep breath before reminding yourself that you deserve to inhabit the space you occupy in this world; that you have the right to be heard and have your needs met.

Therefore ask your question; So what if it takes up a little more of people’s time? Then reach across the table and grab the last cookie. Before someone else takes it off the plate.

• As told to Rachel Halliwell