Have you ever wondered what men really think about the first few times you have sex? Do they notice all the things that you are acutely aware of? Can you assume they didn’t if they don’t mention it?
The short answer to that is yes and no.
Unless you’re both totally confused (most likely for the first time, but maybe not the next time), a lot of things will become clear once you do the deed.
He doesn’t mention it because he doesn’t want to offend – or he’s not sure yet if it matters.
An example…
Have you ever wondered what men really think about the first few times you have sex, asks Tracey Cox (stock image)
Your imperfections
That big, red pimple on your butt. Cellulite on your thighs. A roll of fat on your stomach.
Shock horror! Yes, he may notice that you are not perfect in every way. Does he care? Depends.
If it’s casual sex, he doesn’t care. He’s just grateful that he can make it to his end. If he is in a committed relationship and loves you, he will accept your so-called “flaws” because he has them too. (One reason we all long for the warts and all kinds of love from our partners.) When he’s instantly in love, everything about you is seen through an intensely flattering, hormone-driven filter.
It is when a relationship is new and he is indecisive that any imperfections are not only attended to but also scrutinized. We all – consciously or unconsciously – make a balance to decide whether a relationship has legs. What is important to one person may not be important to another: our partner wish lists are extremely personal.
This is not something you will be aware of. It’s also not likely that he’ll admit that the spot on your butt pushed him to move on. It’s best not to dwell on this and instead think about something you do have complete control over…
How to deal with pubic hair
Of course, whether you’re wearing a full bush from the 80s or have all the follicles removed, this will become immediately apparent as soon as your panties come off.
Will he care? In this case, perhaps he could.
I had a Brazilian for years – until I met my husband. He took one look and was shocked. He found it creepy and didn’t understand why adult women want to look like prepubescent girls.
Go to the other extreme and don’t trim at all and oral sex can quickly be taken off the agenda because hair in your mouth is no one’s favorite thing to do.
Why won’t he mention it? When he’s awake, he keeps his mouth shut until he knows you better. Women these days don’t like being told by men what to do with their bodies: how you handle your pubic hair is your business.
Pubic hair also has a purpose. It helps regulate body temperature, prevents dirt and grime from getting where it shouldn’t, and also retains moisture, keeping vulval skin hydrated. That said, we have been removing our pubic hair since ancient times in Rome and this is unlikely to stop anytime soon.
If you are neat and tidy, I doubt anything will be said and everything will be accepted. If you’re in either extreme, it may be something that comes up later in your relationship (and it’s entirely up to you how you respond).
Tracey says a small minority of women – usually very attractive – seem to believe it’s perfectly okay to let the man do all the work during sex
How body conscious you are
The greatest gift you can give a loved one is feeling good about yourself. Women who love their bodies are more active in sex, have more orgasms, initiate sex more often and talk about sex more easily with their partner. If you are ashamed of your body and think it is ugly, why would you want anyone to look at it or touch it?
Spend every sex session insisting on total darkness, hiding under the covers and cringing when he puts his hands on a part of you that you’re self-conscious about, and yes, your partner will clock that you’re struggling with your body image issues.
He probably won’t say, ‘Hey, why don’t you like the way you look?’. But if he knows how women work, he can get lots of compliments on your body to see if that helps you relax. If he does that, he’s on the right track. Research shows that women’s sexual satisfaction and functioning increase when they know their partner is attracted to them.
That signature sex move
Able to reduce men to quivering wrecks with the flick of your tongue? Brilliant at handjobs? Would you like to turn taking off your clothes into an erotic art form?
Good for you! It’s great to have a signature sex move: something you know you’re good at and get a lot of compliments on.
Whether he will admit how good you are depends entirely on his own sexual confidence and experience. The more confident he is about his sexual expertise, the more likely he is to say, “Oh my God! I bet everyone tells you this, but that was the best (insert your special ability) I ever had!’. If he’s secretly thinking, “OhmyGod, OhmyGod, she’s way better at this than I’ll ever be,” he’ll be too busy freaking out to give compliments.
How active you are during sex
Lie back and let him do all the work during the very first session and you’ll probably get away with it. Most men are so excited when they go to bed with someone new that they don’t notice if they’re the ones making all the moves.
Give it a few sessions, though, and sexual laziness becomes unmistakably apparent… and it won’t win you any brownie points.
A small minority of women – usually very attractive – seem to believe that it is perfectly okay to let the man do all the work during sex. The idea is that it is enough for him to simply see, touch and penetrate that beautiful body they possess. Wrong. Generosity is something that is highly appreciated in all aspects of life.
Other women are too shy to take the lead or are particularly active, or are afraid that doing so will make them seem ‘too experienced’ (aka judged).
It takes a brave man to come right out and say, ‘Could you contribute something here?’. But he is well noticed.
Most men will tolerate you lying back and thinking about England for four to five sessions, assuming it’s because you’re shy. Once it becomes clear that you have no intention of ever returning the favor, he has no choice but to call you out on it.
You’re so excited
There is a perception that all women get wet when they are aroused and if you don’t, there is something wrong with you. It’s false, but it’s good out there. I get a lot of emails for my podcast (SexTok with Tracey and Kelsey) from women who say their partners have shamed them for either not being ‘wet enough’ or daring to use a tube of lube (apparently cheating).
There are so many things that affect vaginal lubrication, it’s amazing that this happens at all! Cold and flu medications, prescription medications, drinking too much alcohol, being dehydrated, where you are in your menstrual cycle, feeling stressed, tired or anxious, not enough foreplay, ineffective technique – all of these things affect how lubricated we are are. How excited we are is only a small part of it. You can be more aroused than ever before and still not produce enough lubrication if other factors are holding you back.
Men definitely notice if you’re lubricated during sex, because it can make penetration difficult or uncomfortable if the vagina is dry. Some men consider this an insult. Unfortunately, they are unaware of what does and doesn’t make women’s vaginas lubricate, and they feel threatened if their lovemaking skills don’t get the desired effect. I repeat: inefficient arousal techniques are a big part of the problem and this type of man doesn’t tend to tick the ‘good lover’ box. If he dares to say, “There’s nothing wrong with me and my technique, so what’s wrong with you?”, your response should be, “Actually, nothing. “I just had a stressful day/had too much to drink/I didn’t like what you did to me, which affected how wet I am.” If he isn’t immediately humbled and put in his place, seriously consider moving on.
Any man who has had a long-term, loving, healthy relationship with a woman knows all this. He discreetly uses his own saliva to compensate, gives you fantastic oral sex to turn you on even more, or asks if you have lube on hand because he hates sex because it makes him feel uncomfortable for you.
How your vagina feels
We’ve all heard comments like “She’s tight” or “She’s loose.”
The reality is that how you feel during penetration has as much to do with his penis as it does with the tightness of your vaginal canal. If you are on the large side and he is on the small side, you will feel “loose” towards him. However, put yourself with a well-endowed man, and you will feel completely the opposite.
You may be told how great it feels to be inside you, but no (healthy) man will tell you that he doesn’t like the way your vagina feels because he’s involved in that too.
And because even if there is a mismatch, intercourse still feels damn good.
Visit traceycox.com for information about Tracey’s books, her weekly podcast, SexTok with Tracey and Kelsey and product ranges (exclusive to lovehoney).