Is your husband indifferent, rigid and avoiding your friends? Experts say there could be a surprising reason… and it’s coming to light about so many men

As more and more people are diagnosed with autism in adulthood, many are talking about the “light bulb moment” when those quirky behaviors, fears, and idiosyncratic character traits are finally explained.

A diagnosis can be a source of insight not only for the autistic person, but also for their partners – who can make small changes in approach to facilitate communication and minimize stress and conflict.

According to occupational therapist and autism specialist Conor McDonagh, incentive from a partner is one of the reasons he and his team are seeing such a huge increase in referrals from adults who have never been diagnosed in childhood.

“Many autistic people learn to cope with the problems associated with their autism as they go through their lives, without realizing that these problems – and their coping techniques – can have a significant impact on their loved ones,” he says. ‘It may take someone very close to them to reveal that the strategies they’ve developed may not work so well in the context of a relationship – and could infuriate their unwitting partner.’

Since men are four times more likely to be autistic than women, here are six typical signs of autism to look out for in your other half – along with Mc Donagh’s expert advice on how to deal with the situation…

1. He is wildly indifferent

When you burst into the room with a piece of juicy gossip, or to relay a loaded story about tactical maneuvering at work, does he give you a boring look, making you wonder if he even cares about you?

We often associate autism with difficulty reading non-verbal cues, but Mc Donagh says autistic men can struggle to put on the kind of face that expresses surprise, happiness or concern.

When this happens, he warns not to accuse your partner of being cold and heartless. “This suggestion could be very offensive,” he said. “It’s likely that he cares about you very much, but maybe he prefers words to gestures.”

Mc Donagh recommends ‘conversational signage’. “Tell him that you want to talk about an issue at work that has been upsetting to you and that you want to hear his point of view,” he says, “or warn him that you’re going to have a tirade and that you won’t want to hear his analysis of the situation.” situation. But be aware that if he has autism, he will be more likely to offer a logical solution rather than an emotionally supportive one.”

2. He makes your friends swerve

If he tries to avoid a group meeting and seems gloomy and grumpy when you force him to attend, he may not really like your friends, but if he’s autistic, he’s more likely to struggle. has. the unpredictability and sensory overload of being in a busy social environment.

‘Many autistic people find noisy pubs and restaurants very stressful,’ says Mc Donagh. ‘They may be super sensitive to strong smells and may also become stressed and irritated by the idea of ​​unstructured, unpredictable situations where people are expected to mingle and chat.’

There’s no point in saying, “You don’t like my friends?” or adding to the pressure with, “Everyone will think it’s weird if I go out on my own again.” Much better, he says, is to try to minimize his anxiety by making arrangements to meet in small groups, if possible. ‘Try to choose quiet, calm locations. Be as clear as possible about where you’re going, who will be there, what people are talking about, and try to offer him a place to escape to when he needs to unpack.’ This could be the car (‘he’s going to make a phone call…’), a pub garden, or a relaxation room if you have entertainment at home.

3. He started, so he will finish

Happy marriages thrive on good communication, but if you feel like you’re sometimes being lectured about the relative merits of tanks over helicopters or about the capacity of England’s football stadiums, there’s absolutely no chance of you intervening or speeding things up , then you can blame autism.

According to Conor McDonagh (pictured), apparent flashes of OCD can be a sign of autism

“Autistic men often find it incredibly difficult to make small talk, and when they sense a conversation is needed, they prefer to talk about one of their favorite topics,” says Mc Donagh. ‘The problem is that an autistic man can become so fixated on his favorite subject that he is impervious to interruptions and will resolutely refuse to stop until he’s done.’

He’s probably just as bad at reading body language and social cues, so you can roll your eyes all you want and he’ll be baffled if you get up and leave the room while he’s in full swing.

Mc Donagh recommends explaining that others may not find his monologues interesting and suggests that you instruct him to look for a clear cue (for example, a raised hand or a dramatic breath) to indicate that it is time to to wrap things up.

4. It re-stacks your already stacked dishwasher

It can be irritating to share a kitchen with a man who sighs and tuts when you accidentally mix up the contents of this alphabetically arranged spice rack and who painstakingly (and reluctantly) rearranges the contents of your hastily stacked dishwasher.

According to Mc Donagh, this apparent flash of OCD could be a sign of autism. “Many autistics have very logical and organized brains and keeping order around them is a way of managing their fears,” he says, warning that relationship problems may arise because another autistic trait finds it very difficult to see the virtues in alternative behaviors (such as your random stacking technique).

He warns against mischievously screwing up his order by putting a pan on the top deck or wine glasses on the bottom, suggesting an open discussion about why his rigidity bothers you — “autistics appreciate clarity,” he says.

5. Stiff about routine

An autistic man can research and plan a vacation with military precision, analyzing every possible detail – where you’re going to eat, what time you’re going to eat, what you’re going to eat – which can be great if you’re happy to hand over all the responsibility (‘ If you want the best possible deal and leave no stone unturned, ask an autistic person,” says Mc Donagh). But the downside is the potential for anxiety if the flight is delayed or plans need to be changed.

‘People with autism tend to use the logical side of their brain and have difficulty using the creative side, so when plans change they can become uncomfortable and anxious,’ he says.

Mc Donagh recommends anticipating this possibility by discussing possible alternative scenarios “just in case,” but if disaster does strike, he says it’s never a good idea to say what you feel (“calm the hell down !’). He suggests finding an alternative activity for your partner to focus on (perhaps researching booking an alternative hotel) to take their mind off the chaos.

6. He has five copies of the same sweater

If your attempts to cheer him up have failed and the comical socks and floral shirts you gave him for Christmas last year are still languishing in their packaging, you could be dealing with the strong autistic trait of ‘sensory processing disorder’.

“Many autistic people are very sensitive to strong tastes, textures, smells and sounds,” says McDonagh. ‘If your partner has found a particular piece of clothing that he really likes – for example because it fits him well and feels soft on his skin – it seems perfectly logical to buy two, three or four replicas to allay any fear of being coerced. to take. to wear something scratchy or form-fitting,” he adds.

He cautions against throwing anything away, but recommends checking the labels of his favorite items and working with him to gently expand his wardrobe repertoire with items made from similar fabrics and styles.

Conor Mc Donagh is an autism specialist with Coventry-based Caerus Therapies www.caerustherapies.com