Is it ever OK to have a ‘dry spell’? TRACEY COX reveals what to do if you’ve stopped having sex and when you need to worry

‘The last time we had sex was six months ago. I’m not sure why; life just got in the way.”

‘We used to do that at least once a week. Then it was once a month, now it’s every three months. Does this mean it will stop completely?’

What does it mean when you stop having as much sex as you used to?

Is this the end of your relationship or is this something all couples experience?

The answer is that droughts happen to the luckiest among us. It’s a normal part of any long-term relationship and certainly not a sign that you’re doomed to never having sex again… although it could be if you don’t do something about it.

One in five people in Britain stop having sex completely in their early 40s; that rises to 57 percent at age 74. But it’s not just the elderly; the frequency of sex decreases as early as age 30, even among those who do not have children. Those who do have children often find that sex falters and in some cases disappears altogether after their arrival.

Some droughts are understandable: one of you gets sick or a parent dies. Others start with a vague loss of interest and then sex simply never resumes.

While some couples are quite happy to say goodbye to their sex life. Other people – especially men – feel frustrated, cheated and angry that sex is no longer offered, but they are expected to remain faithful.

Here’s how to successfully navigate a dry spell.

WHY DRY TIMES HAPPEN

There are many reasons why physical intimacy can take a dip. Some of the most common are:

Predictability: We fall into a sexual shorthand with our partners over time – we know what works and what doesn’t, and we stick to what does. This is the equivalent of only playing the Greatest Hits of your favorite band. It’s boring.

Parenting: Being pregnant puts enormous pressure on her body; raising young children puts pressure on both of you. There’s little privacy or time, you’re sleep deprived, and sex feels like just another thing on the to-do list.

Exhaustion and stress: Many people are struggling with the cost of living crisis, worried about the future and working two jobs to make ends meet. When you’re mid-life or younger, career ambitions sometimes take precedence over your relationship. Older couples are affected by caring for elderly parents: it is time-consuming, stressful and can be depressing. It’s easy for sex to disappear on the list of things that seem important.

Relationship problems: When you’re in an argument and you don’t feel heard or loved, the last thing you want to do is kiss and get naked.

Hormones: Women struggle more than men with hormone changes throughout their lives. But especially during all stages of menopause, when the three hormones responsible for wanting and having pleasurable sex – estrogen, progesterone and testosterone – all decrease dramatically. Our bodies change, our vaginas become dry and sex becomes uncomfortable: the effects can be brutal. A survey of 24,000 postmenopausal women found that only 22 percent were still sexually active.

Aging: As we get older, health problems become more common. If you have a bad back, you may not be able to get into a position to have sex. If you don’t feel good, nothing is attractive.

Reward: Men usually have an orgasm when they have sex with their partner, many women do not. Sex isn’t and shouldn’t be just about an orgasm, but if you know you’re going to have one, your motivation to have sex will naturally be greater. The orgasm gap occurs because men do not know how to pleasure a woman and how to use ineffective techniques.

HOW TO GET BACK ON TRACK

The solution for a dry spell depends greatly on its cause. But doing all of the following will help immensely, regardless of the driving factors.

Don’t ignore it. The worst thing you can do is bury your head in the sand and pretend it’s not happening. Acknowledge it by saying something like, “I miss having sex with you and I know we don’t do it as often as usual.” Once X (whatever the reason) resolves itself, we’ll be back on track.”

If sex has stopped because of another relationship problem, deal with that first. If you feel stuck or like things are falling apart, see a relationship or sex therapist.

Don’t fall for the myths. There are two that you should be acutely aware of. First, sex naturally becomes less frequent as you get older and the longer you are together. Manage your expectations. Second, don’t measure yourself against friends. Everyone lies about their sex life. Find out what works for you.

Brush up on your sexual skills, especially if you’re a straight man. The more women enjoy sex, the more they want it. The better your technique, the more likely she is to reach climax.

Put yourself in your partner’s shoes. If your partner just missed out on a promotion he was sure he would get, his self-esteem takes a hit, affecting desire.

Tackling health problems and reducing stress. The healthier your lifestyle, the more likely you are to continue having sex. Eat well, drink less alcohol, exercise a lot.

Do not use sex substitutes. It is very common for men to pleasure themselves with porn and masturbation when the sex gets out of hand. Fine, if you have dramatically different sex drives and don’t want to be a sex pest. Just don’t do it all the time. Women fulfill their need for physical closeness through their children. Don’t just hug the children, but also your partner.

Love is kind but not blind. Personality counts, but don’t fool yourself: looks don’t. Don’t be a couch sleeper: get dressed every now and then.

Try something new. If boredom is the problem, get creative – and let go of the illusion that you don’t have to plan sex. Spontaneous sex is not the only good sex. Each make a list of five things you’ve always wanted to try but haven’t yet. Watch sexy shows together, buy some sex toys. Sex is for fun: the people who play, stay!

Listen to Tracey’s podcast, SexTok with Tracey and Kelsey, every Wednesday.

You can find her books, products and blog at traceycox.com.