Is your marriage on course for divorce? TRACEY COX reveals the four signs your flame is fizzling out – and how to fix it before it’s too late

Every marriage has its highs and lows and survives them.

But it is known that certain behaviors can lead to particularly violent divorces.

Here are four warning signs that could indicate a split is imminent.

And it won’t be pretty.

You treat each other with contempt

‘Whatever is wrong, I get blamed for it, even though it couldn’t possibly have anything to do with me, like the weather.

‘He has no respect for me, and you notice that in company: he considers himself superior in every way.

“My kids hate the way he treats me and that’s probably why I’m leaving.”

Have you ever experienced anything like this?

If you find it uncomfortable to be around them, imagine what it would be like to have to go through that every day.

Healthy relationships are the result of teamwork: you support each other, respect each other’s opinions (even if they differ from yours), really listen to each other and support each other.

Relationships driven by contempt do just the opposite: you’re both out to score points, attacking each other as soon as weakness is revealed, and rejoicing when your partner is made a fool of.

If contempt and belittlement are a regular part of your interactions, then there is a good chance that a full-blown conflict will develop, which will only make the divorce process more bitter and hostile.

Is this you?

• Do friends or family members comment on how often you argue or disagree?
• Do you make fun of each other? Do you roll your eyes behind (or in front of) them when they say or do something you don’t like?
• Do either of you put each other down at every opportunity? Are you treated with sarcasm if you dare to express an opinion?
• If you were to look at yourselves in the mirror during a typical conversation, what would your faces look like? Is there contempt or outright hostility visible to all?

Takeaway meal

If you are critical, replace negative comments with constructive criticism.

“I feel overwhelmed by all there is to do,” instead of “You’re so lazy. Why do I have to do everything here?”

Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. “I feel hurt when we don’t spend enough time together,” not “You never put me first.”

Are you the one getting this? Let your partner know that they are hurting you and the relationship by behaving this way.

If that falls on deaf ears, relationship therapy is the only solution. If they don’t want to go with you, you still benefit from going alone.

YOU CAN OR CAN’T TALK ABOUT THE THINGS THAT MATTER

“I always thought we had a great marriage until I got into a fight with my wife’s sister. She adores her and refuses to even listen to my side of the story. We’re in a freezing, uncomfortable stalemate and I can’t see a way out.”

While constant arguing is a clear sign that things are not going well, poor communication is a much more dangerous sign.

Often, couples don’t realize there’s a problem until there actually is a problem—and they have no idea how to fix it.

Anyone who has ever read or heard anything about how to have a healthy relationship knows that being able to talk about things is the cornerstone of long-term happiness.

Most people think, “Yeah, I know,” and that’s that.

But the reason people like me harp on about it is that not being able to talk about touchy subjects will kill you. And not only kill you, but also set you on the path to a nasty divorce.

Is this you?

• Can you talk about important topics without it turning into a huge argument, with one of you walking away or sulking for hours or days?
• Does one of you refuse to talk about an issue if you disagree?
• At the end of a discussion on an important topic, do you feel like you’ve accomplished something? Or do you both make the same points without meeting each other halfway?
• Do you avoid difficult conversations altogether, hoping that the big issues will go away if you ignore them?

Takeaway meal:

You are not born with good communication skills, you learn them.

There is a lot of information online about how to communicate better with your partner. If you need more help, a good relationship therapist can change your relationship.

YOU HAVE MONEY SECRETS

“My husband spent like a billionaire on maxed out credit cards. Not only did he blow through all of our savings, he cost us our house.

‘Our children had to change schools and lost their friends: it was such a selfish thing to do and it broke us.

“Everyone talks about physical betrayal, but financial betrayal is just as bad.”

Money is one of the biggest causes of tension in long-term relationships. It’s not how much or how little you have that causes problems, it’s how you both spend it.

Our spending patterns are formed at an early age, often in response to what our parents did or didn’t do.

When couples disagree about how to handle money, it may indicate deeper issues regarding values ​​and priorities.

The most common issue is spender vs. saver. When the most frugal person makes the most money, resentment quickly builds.

If the spender has debt problems and ignores them, the danger to the relationship triples.

But if you really want to destabilize everything, lie to your partner about debt.

Not admitting that you’re still in huge credit card debt, that you’ve taken out loans to pay off other loans, that you’ve secretly drained your child’s college fund, that you’ve booked an expensive vacation while you’re struggling to pay the utility bill… these are the things that can tear even the strongest marriage apart in the most bitter and unforgivable way.

Is this you?

• Do you have very different spending styles and does that cause tension?
• Have you both been open about the amount of debt you have, including loans and credit card debt?
• Do either of you hide secret expenses – or secret bank accounts? Do you lie about the cost of things you buy or hide purchases from your partner?
• Does one person have control over the joint bank account?
• Does one of you take out a loan or credit card without consulting the other?

Takeaway meal:

If one or both partners are financially manipulative, it can lead to aggressive legal battles over property, spousal support, and debt division during the divorce proceedings.

If money disputes are a common occurrence, don’t worry. See a financial advisor right away to help you manage debt – and a relationship therapist to help you understand each other’s attitudes to money.

ONE OF YOU CHEATED (OR IS STILL CHEATING)

‘I discovered a historic affair: my wife had a six-month affair with her ex after we were married but before we had children.

“Our children are now married themselves, but I couldn’t look at her after I found out. I hated her for making me live a lie for the past 25 years.”

Finding out that you’ve had an affair or that it was “nothing at all” is often a huge breach of trust that can leave an already strained marriage irreparable.

Cheating undermines the bond between you and me and the world, which keeps relationships together in difficult times.

The emotional trap of deep betrayal can lead to an exceptionally ugly divorce. The anger, hurt and need for revenge turn the most reasonable person into a tyrant, making mediation and compromise impossible.

Physical betrayal leads to intense disagreements over child custody, finances, and arrangements, which prolongs a divorce and creates more conflict.

Is this you?

• The answer to this question is a clear yes or no.

Takeaway meal:

Even nice people have affairs, says leading expert on infidelity Esther Perel.

It doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed if one of you cheats, but it does put the marriage in immediate crisis.

Some couples rebuild their relationship, but it’s not an easy road for either of them to walk.

• Tracey’s two product lines, Supersex and Edge, are available from lovehoney.co.uk. Tune in to her weekly podcast, SexTok, every Wednesday.