Is having no sex the new sex? TRACEY COX hears why some people are choosing celibacy
The global sexual decline is getting worse: never before has there been a younger generation less interested in sex than this one.
Technology and social media are increasingly causing people to avoid real-life relationships. Student debt and high housing costs are making many young people too stressed to prioritize relationships and intimacy.
Porn diminishes the need for real-life encounters, which are now accompanied by fears about safety and consent.
But it’s not just young people who avoid sex.
More than thirty percent of couples who have been together for more than two years have a sexless relationship: they have sex six times or less per year.
More than 30 percent of couples who have been together for more than two years are in a sexless relationship – having sex six times or less per year (stock image)
Not having sex is the new sex.
Deciding to stop intimacy is a very personal decision. I spoke to three people, now celibate, for very different reasons.
“I had sex for 30 years to please him, now he can please me by NOT doing it.”
Catherine, 52, married at 20 and has three children.
I’m going to say out loud what most married women honestly think: I hope I never have to have sex again.
Most women in long-term relationships find sex boring – just another chore to check off at the end of the day. Many find it repulsive… I’m really repulsed by sex now.
Sex is a funny thing. When you’re young and your hormones are raging, you’re obsessed with sex. Once those hormones leave your body, sex seems like a silly thing to do.
Penises have always looked a bit ridiculous. Menopause has given me the excitement I still had: I have no feeling in my genitals at all.
Sex and relationships expert Tracey Cox (pictured) found that some people only had sex to please their partners and were fed up with it.
I used to masturbate. Now, when I touch my clitoris, it’s like touching my forearm. Nothing happens.
I would say my sexual desires started high. In my 20s I loved sex. But after I had kids I really didn’t want it anymore – too exhausted – and it never really took off.
I haven’t enjoyed sex in a long time. I did it purely to please my husband. I didn’t mind because I think marriage is a compromise and you both give and take in different ways. But I made him happy for 30 years, now he can please me by not doing it.
He knows how I feel, and we haven’t had sex in nine months. The sky hasn’t fallen, and our marriage is fine. I’m okay with giving him oral sex sometimes, and I don’t care how much he watches porn and masturbates. Just stop bothering me.
The relief of knowing that I will never again be hassled into doing something I don’t like is incredible.’
“I’ve had sex three times and I’d rather do it myself than do it again. It’s too stressful.”
Matt is 24 and a student.
‘I grew up masturbating to porn like any other guy, and I couldn’t wait to have sex. But I’m shy and one-night stands weren’t appealing, and I didn’t have a girlfriend until I was 19.
She was older than me and had slept with four boys so I didn’t tell her I was a virgin. I guess I was embarrassed.
She was supposed to have sex the first week we saw each other, but I kept putting it off because I was so nervous. I didn’t know how I was going to do it.
We kissed and I performed oral sex on her once, but sex quickly turned from something I craved to something I felt very anxious about.
She had no idea what I was going through and kept asking why I didn’t want to have sex with her. ‘Don’t you think I’m sexy?’ she kept asking.
When we finally did it was a disaster and easily the worst day of my life. I couldn’t get an erection so the first time she saw my penis it was small and dormant.
She looked shocked, but I came to life as she used her hand on me – and came within seconds, all over her hand. I was so humiliated I wanted to die. She was good that time: she thought it was funny and made a joke about it.
The next night we tried to have sex, but I came before I could even penetrate. She tried to be understanding, but I could see her thinking, ‘Is this guy useless or what?’
We didn’t see each other for a week and I was terrified of what would happen next. My worst fears were confirmed: I managed to penetrate her, but I came as soon as I did.
Technology and social media make it easier for people to avoid real-life relationships (stock image)
She broke up with me about two weeks later. I asked her if it was because of the sex and she said no, but that I was “a little too young”. She didn’t have to explain that she knew I was inexperienced and had been a virgin.
That was five years ago. I haven’t even tried to date anyone or have sex since then. I have no trouble attracting women, but I don’t want to humiliate myself again.
The thought of ever having sex with someone else is so stressful. I’d rather do it myself and watch porn than put myself through that again.’
‘Sex should be about pleasure, but for me it’s a world of pain.’
Eliza, 32, got married five years ago and was diagnosed with endometriosis around the same time.
‘Endometriosis is a condition where tissue that is similar to the lining of the womb grows outside the womb: it causes things to stick together that shouldn’t. I’ve had it for five years and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
Sex should be about pleasure – for me now it’s just a world of pain. It’s ruined my life. It’s probably going to cost me my marriage and stop me from being a mother.
The reason it hurts me so much is because my endometriosis is just behind my vagina in the lower uterus. It can grow in different places – and this seems to be the worst for anyone who wants to continue having sex.
It has also caused my vagina to stick to my rectum and I have scars in other places too. Any form of penetration pulls and stretches everything.
It doesn’t just hurt when I have sex, it hurts for hours afterwards. The cramps can last for days. I am so anxious and scared of sex, I am never ‘wet’ or relaxed. It hurts from the moment he enters and it only gets worse the deeper he goes.
My husband is understanding, but we are young – both early 30s. We should enjoy each other’s bodies and think about having children.
I feel so guilty that I am denying him something that he enjoys so much. I have told him that he can get sex somewhere else if he wants, he has my blessing. The thought of him sleeping with another woman is killing me, but what can I do?
I would give anything to be able to enjoy sex like normal people do. But I’m at the point where I can’t bear it again because the cost is just too high.’
Listen to SexTok, Tracey’s weekly podcast, wherever you listen to your podcasts. Visit traceycox.com for her blog, books, and products.