In difficult times, we turn to the people closest to us for support, but that support falters when they ignore our feelings | Gaynor Parkin and Amanda Wallis

WWhen we are experiencing physical pain or emotional turmoil, we often turn to our loved ones for support and understanding. However, when our partners do not validate our emotions, we can feel isolated and resentful, and even question the strength of the relationship.

A generally gentle person, Mary* sometimes shocked her partner, Susie, by shouting at other drivers. Susie found Mary’s responses unnecessarily aggressive and somewhat embarrassing when they were in the car together. Mary, however, experienced Susie’s pleas to remain calm as critical and invalidating.

Robert wanted his partner to comfort him when he came home from work with stories about difficult coworkers. Instead, Sally jumped into problem-solving mode: “You need to communicate more clearly, or talk to your manager about this, or set better expectations.” This left Robert feeling misunderstood and alone in his struggles.

While training for her first ever half marathon, Claudia contracted the flu, which left her bedridden for two weeks. Claudia was a determined and energetic person, and she was upset about not being able to meet her running goals and frustrated about not being able to stay active. Instead of showing empathy and understanding, Mark dismissed her sadness, saying, “It’s just the flu.” He then left on a work trip, leaving Claudia feeling alone with her illness and the emotional pain of being laid off.

What is the common thread for these different couples? Mary, Robert and Claudia all wanted to be heard, understood and accepted by their partners rather than judged or rejected. Psychologists call this empathic understanding ’emotional validation’.

Understanding Emotion Validation

Emotion validation is the process of recognizing, understanding, and accepting the emotional experience of another person. It involves empathizing with the other person and communicating that their emotions are valid, reasonable, and understandable given the circumstances.

The important thing is that validation doesn’t necessarily mean you agree; it’s the validation of the emotional experience (“I totally understand that you’re frustrated that you can’t go for a run, Claudia”), not necessarily the actions or behavior.

Consistent research has shown that, when done right, emotional validation can reduce intense emotional reactions (like Mary’s angry outbursts while driving) and pave the way for healthy, strong relationships.

Some people are naturally good at validation, probably because they had good role models growing up. But many of us have to learn to validate, especially in intimate relationships. It’s also a skill that takes practice; we can get rusty at it or sometimes complacent with our loved ones.

What helped Claudia, Robert, and Mary improve this skill and engage their partners in the exercise?

Training the emotional validation muscle

There are three key skills to enhance emotional validation: empathy, open communication, and self-care.

To achieve the first two goals, we recommend the following steps:

• Give your partner your full attention. Show that you are listening through your body language, for example by leaning forward, nodding and adopting an open posture.

• Maintain eye contact and use nods and verbal cues such as “uh huh” to show your interest.

• Acknowledge and verbalize the emotion being expressed. Label the emotion in a gentle, open way. For Robert, it was listening to Sally suggest, “It sounds like you’re feeling really frustrated?” “And maybe disappointed, too?”

• Legitimate the emotion by noting why it makes sense given the circumstances. For Mary, hearing Susie acknowledge that “it’s understandable to feel irritated by the way that person was driving” helped take the heat out of her anger.

• Show that you understand the depth of the emotion and its complexity, if applicable. Claudia was comforted by Mark’s attempts to do this – “I can only imagine how painful and complicated this must be for you.”

• Give the validation time to work! Reducing stress takes time; it is not a one-time exercise. Let the softening sink in before you try to solve problems or “move on,” and check in with each other – how are you feeling now? Do you feel understood? What else do you need from me?

When we’re in distress, it can be hard to figure out what to do to calm ourselves down. To facilitate the third emotion validation skill, future self-care, each person was asked to make a list of things they find calming and comforting, some things they can do alone and some things they can do with someone else. For Mary, this was pottering in their garden alone and making a meal together. Robert experienced high levels of self-care by mountain biking alone and listening to classical music with Sally. For Claudia, reading alone enhanced her self-care, as did taking a yoga class with Mark.

Put into practise

To improve the situation in the future, our couples were asked to practice emotional validation together regularly and to choose less emotionally charged experiences to test and improve their skills before the next, more challenging emotional shock occurred!

Feeling connected to our loved ones provides us with a powerful protective buffer when we are going through difficult times. These relationships, especially with our romantic partners, serve as a source of comfort, support, and emotional security. By validating each other’s feelings and experiences, we foster a deeper sense of understanding, trust, and love—the foundations upon which strong, healthy relationships are built.

*Names and details have been changed