I’m a sex therapist and there are four things I would NEVER do to my partner
Making him feel guilty for turning down sex and expecting him to do all the work — these are just two things a top sex therapist says she would never do in a relationship.
California native Vanessa Marin gives unfiltered sex and relationship advice to her nearly 1 million social media followers. In addition to videos on dirty talk, sexting and relationship dynamics, Ms. Marin often talks about how to spice things up in the bedroom and increase intimacy.
In one video, Ms. Marin described the “Things I Won’t Do to My Sex Therapist Partner.”
She writes in the subtitles: ‘After twenty years in the sex therapy world and working with thousands of couples, there are certain things I will no longer do in our relationship.’
First, she would never let her husband do all the initiating when it comes to sex “simply because he is the man.”
“No way,” she adds.
Multiple studies show that men generally have sex more often than women in relationships, but Ms. Marin says it’s okay to mix things up.
She then says that she would never make her husband feel bad if he doesn’t want sex.
Vanessa Marin, who lives in California, says she would never let her husband Xander do all the initiating when it comes to sex in the first place ‘simply because he is the man’
Azizeh Rezaiyan, a Silicon Valley marriage therapist, says it’s important to respect and give your partner space, otherwise they will associate sex with negative emotions.
She says: ‘It’s important to find that respect from your partner, and if he or she shows it to you, without you feeling guilty about it, don’t doubt him or her.
“It’s easy to read into things assuming your partner is cheating or not attracted to you, but that’s not a rabbit hole worth going down.
“Recognize that intimacy goes beyond sex, and that you and your partner may already have a healthy relationship in that area.”
Heading into her third no-no, Mrs. Marin says she would never keep quiet about what she wants in bed for fear of hurting her husband’s feelings.
Suzanne Degges-White, a certified counselor, agrees.
She says being able to communicate openly about your sexual needs will help your relationship grow.
She explains, “What isn’t a mystery is what the results can be when a couple overcomes the hesitation to talk openly about their sexual relationship.
“If you can ask for what you desire and make it clear what you want your partner to avoid, the opportunities for higher levels of sexual and relationship satisfaction multiply exponentially.”
Communications expert Jennifer Gill Rosier and psychologist James Tyler say discussing sex can have a wide range of outcomes.
If the conversation goes well, it can strengthen a couple’s feelings of intimacy and “improve the communication climate.”
However, if the conversation breaks down, either partner may feel offended and a conflict may arise.
In one of their studies, they enrolled 40 couples in an online sexual coaching training program.
The results showed that practicing sexual communication techniques led to greater sexual and relationship satisfaction and participants said they felt less afraid to discuss intimate topics.
Ms Degges-White suggests talking about sex outside of intimate moments and finding a neutral space to discuss things.
According to most studies, data shows that men generally initiate sex more often than women in relationships, but Ms. Marin says it’s okay to mix things up
She adds, “Warn your partner in advance.
‘Let your partner know that you want to make time to discuss your sexual relationship and make sure you both agree to the chosen time.
‘A lot of self-doubt can bubble up when a partner wants to have a discussion about any relationship issue, but when it comes to sexual performance, a person can feel particularly vulnerable.
‘Share that it’s about ‘making things even better’, and don’t emphasize that it’s about ‘what’s missing.’
“Don’t complain about being ‘unsatisfied’, but share your desire to enjoy ‘even more satisfying’ sex than you’ve had before.”
Finally, Mrs. Marin says that if her husband had performance problems, she would never get over her by “crying” or “pouting.”
She also wouldn’t accuse her husband of not being attracted to her.
Experts say that accusing your partner of not being attracted to you and making him or her feel guilty will only further distance him or her.
Sara Makin, a licensed professional therapist based in Pittsburgh, told Psych Central that repeated false accusations can come across as controlling behavior, which can create a sense of resentment.
She explained: ‘The accused must plead his case to the satisfaction of his partner, or ignore the issue, which will only further distance him.’
Over time, your partner may begin to emotionally detach from you and the relationship, Ms. Malkin warns, “in an effort to avoid feeling inadequate and not being the bad guy.”
The therapist adds in her caption, “If you feel like I’ve mentioned something you or your partner are currently struggling with, remember to show yourself kindness – these things are challenging.
‘For [my husband] and I have spent many years figuring out what a supportive, compassionate, and responsible relationship looks like for us.
“Remember that you are a team and you can work together to create a relationship that feels even more supportive and compassionate.”
“Make sure you discuss new boundaries and expectations with your partner in a patient, respectful, and intentional way, and do it slowly!” Don’t expect transformative change overnight.”