I’m a psychologist and Eldest Daughter Syndrome can leave women not wanting children later in life – because they’ve ‘already parented younger siblings’

When BBC presenter Anita Rani recently shared a post about eldest daughter syndrome earlier this month, it resonated with many people who read it.

The 46-year-old host of The Woman’s Hour, who split from her husband Bhupi Rehal last year and has spoken about the fact that she is currently undergoing an “awakening,” shared Instagram content from psychologist Dr. Nicole LePera.

The American doctor, also known as The Holistic Psychologist, who has 8.3 million followers, has regularly spoken about the impact of being the first-born daughter in a family – and the consequences birth order can have on a woman later in life. to live.

Dr. LePera describes how the eldest daughter often becomes the “protector of the family” and can grow up to be a “little adult.”

Years later, she explains, those feelings can manifest as an adult who “thinks it’s your responsibility to fix everything and everyone around you.”

Although it’s a term that’s been around for decades, eldest daughter syndrome seems to be becoming more recognized as people become more aware of their mental health.

When Rani reposted, the term certainly struck a chord.

One woman wrote, “I felt every word of that. The hard, hard work done as the eldest girl is unfair. Especially if your other siblings are brothers.”

Another added: ‘I wish they learned this stuff in schools so these cycles could be broken at a younger age!’

Rani herself wrote: ‘I had to repost for my South Asian sisters (and everyone else, of course), but I know this will resonate with so many of my brown crew… especially the eldest daughters.”

Someone who saw it agreed, saying, “So true. It is only now that I am an adult that I learn to appreciate my life and myself. It’s hard to get out of that mentality.’

On TikTok, the issue is also being discussed through a series of memes, some of which are called the “eldest daughter core,” with some first-born women saying they chose not to have children of their own because they had helped raise siblings and “finished were with parenthood’.

TikToker @Melissallgall shared a montage of the roles eldest daughters feel they have to take on, including helping younger siblings with homework, being a nurse, maid, waiter and disciplinarian.

The trend has sparked thousands of comments on the impact eldest daughter syndrome has on people’s lives.

One person wrote: ‘First generation, eldest daughter, with a strict upbringing, turns 27 next week and I can’t even imagine another human being dependent on me.’

Another woman added: “Yes, eldest daughter. I carried a lot as a child and I just don’t have the energy to raise another human being.’

So is anyone actually guilty? In 2009, the Netmums Birth Order Report surveyed almost 10,000 mothers and found that they had much higher expectations for their eldest children when it came to academic and career success, and said they had lower expectations with each new sibling.

Such high expectations from parents made the oldest children more susceptible to anxiety or depression later in life, researchers said at the time.

FEMAIL asked Chartered Psychologist Dr. Mark Rackley to explain more:

WHAT IS OLDEST DAUGHTER SYNDROME?

Dr. Mark says that while eldest daughter syndrome is not an officially recognized psychological diagnosis, it is “a term used to describe a set of behavioral and emotional patterns often attributed to the eldest daughter in the family.” cousin of ‘middle child syndrome.’

He says, “It is used to describe the common experiences of the eldest daughters in the family. These common experiences include an increased sense of responsibility, in some cases being a second mother to younger siblings. Excessive pressure to succeed, to draw positive attention to the family and to be a good example for younger siblings.

‘It can be difficult to set healthy boundaries with parents because the eldest daughter is raised differently than the other siblings. Finally, it can create a lack of autonomy and independence, as the eldest daughter feels like she has to comply with her parents’ wishes and sacrifices her own wishes.’

WHY IS THERE NO eldest SON SYNDROME?

For men, it appears that “sons fall into the more general category of ‘eldest child syndrome,’ rather than being gender specific,” says Dr. Mark.

‘With eldest daughter syndrome it is gender specific because of the cultural and gender expectations placed on girls and this is then played out in the family and then how the girl is treated.

‘In some cultures, having a boy is still seen as superior to having a girl, so the expectations placed on the girl may be greater to deal with the parents’ disappointment about having a girl. daughter and not a son.’

WHAT PROBLEMS CAN THE OLDER DAUGHTER SYNDROME CAUSE?

‘This can pose challenges for the eldest daughter. Sibling rivalry can arise when the eldest daughter feels a sense of injustice regarding the expectations the parents have of her, and this differs greatly from the other siblings,” says Dr. Mark.

‘It can also lead to resentment towards the parents as the eldest daughter struggles with their expectations. This can cause tension, arguments and a toxic relationship between both parties. It can also lead to mental health problems such as anxiety and depression as the daughter struggles to cope with an oppressive relationship.”

CAN YOU OVERCOME EDS IF YOU FEEL IT MADE YOUR CHILDHOOD?

Dr. Mark says that while it is challenging to change the impact of your formative years, it is possible…

‘As children we have limited power and autonomy. We are very much the mercy of the family and the environment in which we grow up. As we grow up, we have independence, maturity, and the power of our own voice at our disposal. We also have a choice about what we think, do and who we want to be.

‘We are all shaped by our childhood, because we know scientifically that our environment and culture shape and influence our personality. But just because we’re shaped by it doesn’t mean we’re stuck with it.”

THE ADVICE OF DR. MARK NOT TO LET YOUR PAST DEFINE YOUR PRESENT

‘If you feel that the demands, expectations and challenges placed on you as the eldest daughter are making you unwell or no longer serve any purpose in your life, then it is time to shake them off.

‘This may mean stepping out of a role that you did not choose and that you no longer want. By setting healthy boundaries around relationships, you tell others what they can and cannot expect from you. However, you are the one who decides this, not your parents.

“You may also need to go to therapy to help you find your voice and take action on the positive changes you want to make, because some parents obviously won’t want or respect the new changes in the relationship.”

To learn more about Dr. Mark Rackley’s work, visit drmarkrackley.com