I’m a psychiatrist – here are 5 myths about gaslighting and how to tell if it’s happening to you

The term “gaslighting” has become increasingly common lately, but many people don’t know exactly what it is.

Forensic psychiatrist Dr. Sohom Das, from London, who runs a YouTube channel called A psych for painful minds has described gaslighting in a video and tackled five myths about it.

He started the video by describing what gaslighting is, saying, “[It] is a form of emotional abuse that results from manipulating someone into questioning their own sanity, their own memories, or their perception of reality.

‘It is a deliberate attempt to undermine a person’s confidence in themselves and their experiences. So you can see it as a secret form of control and domination.’

He explained that an overt form of control could be controlling someone’s finances or being violent.

But, Dr. Das explained, as a covert form of control, gaslighting is not; it is done so subtly that the victim begins to doubt themselves.

He continued: ‘The first major aspect of gaslighting is about power and control – that’s the whole point. The point is to gain control over the victim and make him doubt himself.

‘And, as I said before, the main difference from other forms of manipulation is that it is subtle. It’s under the radar.’

The second aspect of gaslighting is manipulation tactics, said Dr. Das, explaining that “gaslighters use several specific tactics such as denial, distraction, downplaying and lying to create a sense of confusion.”

The long-term effect is that it makes the victim feel anxious, depressed, isolated and withdrawn.

“They may even start to question their own judgment,” he continued.

Listing some of the tactics gaslighters use and the phrases they use, he said: “Phrase number one has to do with denial. [For example, a gaslighter will say, “what you never said that”, even though you did. They deny it ever happened.’

The next phrases he listed were related to trivialisation, and include a gaslighter saying things like ‘ok princess, calm down, you’re overreacting, it’s really not that big a deal’.  

Shifting blame was the third tactic he listed, which can be expressed through phrases like ‘you’re such a snowflake, if you weren’t so sensitive, this wouldn’t be a problem’. 

The fourth tactic used by gaslighters is playing the victim, by portraying themselves as the victim, and the victim as the abuser.

He then started to list five common myths about gaslighting, and explained why they are not true.

1.  Gaslighting only happens in romantic relationships

According to Dr Das: ‘Gaslighting can occur in other kind of dynamics. It could be a parent-child relationship, it could be a friendship, it even could be a co-worker dynamic, or within a cult setting.’

He explained that gaslighting is not just about romance, it’s about power and control, and so it can happen in many different scenarios.

2.  It’s a good idea to confront your gaslighter directly

According to Dr Das: ‘Obviously, there are going to be some situations with gaslighting where you can’t cut ties with the individual. 

‘So if it’s say, your parent or your sibling, you probably can’t move away from that situation. Other times might be easier. If it’s a new romantic relationship, you can probably cut ties. 

‘So if possible, the healthiest thing to do is to remove yourself from the situation, to prioritise your own well being and your own mental health.’

3. Gaslighting is always intentional

With some gaslighters, Dr Das said it ‘absolutely’ is very deliberate. 

‘But in other cases,’ he explained, ‘they won’t even realise they’re doing it, a bit like you grinding your teeth at night.’

He continued: ‘So how do they not realise? Well, they might have learned these manipulative tasks from their own upbringing. Sometimes, it’s so ingrained that they do it on autopilot. It becomes automatic.’

This could be because they are ‘literally modelling what they learned from when they were younger’, he said, while sometimes it’s because ‘they think of every relationship as needing to have a dynamic’.

4. Only people with low intelligence can be gaslighted  

‘Anybody, in actuality, is susceptible to gaslighting,’ said Dr Das.  

‘So it’s nothing to do with intelligence. It’s more about how much they care about the gaslighter’s opinion. 

‘That can be related to low self esteem, but equally, it can be related to high levels of empathy, actually just being a nice person, or you could genuinely love that person, or you could have been emotionally dependent on them, either now or in the past.’ 

5.  Gaslighting is a modern phenomenon 

‘Mankind has been playing mind games with each other since the dawn of time,’ said the psychiatrist.  

He explained that while the term ‘gaslighting’ came into our lexicon fairly recently, it has existed for as long as humans have interacted with each other.

Dr Das explained the origins of the word, saying: ‘It originated from a 1938 British stage play by Patrick Hamilton which was titled Gaslight.  

‘The play tells the story of a husband who manipulates into his own wife into thinking that she’s going crazy by dimming the gas light in their house and then denying it when she confronts him….[this] makes the woman doubt her own sanity and her own perception of reality.

Dr. Sohom Das can be found at Tweet, InstagramAnd TikTokas well as YouTube.