I’m jealous of my husband’s late ex-wife – she was rich and I can’t match her flamboyant spending: what can I do? VICKY REYNAL answers

Q: My second marriage is going through a bad patch and it’s my fault. My husband is everything you could wish for: handsome, fit and with a great sense of humor.

He unfortunately lost his first wife to cancer and she was beautiful, adored by everyone (and I don’t hear anything about it), but for me, even worse, she came from a very wealthy family. I’m not jealous of her looks because I know they disappeared at the end.

I’m rather jealous of what she was able to bring to the marriage. They bought their first house together, plus a flat in London. She paid for all the fancy vacations and cars and treated my husband to a life he could never have afforded as a private school teacher.

We met in the same profession, but I am of modest means and feel like a rather weak, second best woman. I find myself always arguing about money and instead of copying her flamboyant spending, hoarding what I have.

My husband says I’m obsessed with saving and relaxing while we have some free time, but I can’t sleep.

Money psychotherapist Vicky Reynal answers: I’m intrigued by these arguments about money – because money doesn’t sound like it’s scarce, so it seems like you’re clashing over different views on spending.

But I think you’re implying that this is only half the story and that something about your underspending is related to your husband’s first wife. Let’s try to unpack that.

First of all, I would try to understand where this ‘obsession with saving’ comes from. Have you always been ‘careful’ with money? Or is it a recent phenomenon, possibly caused by the fact that you now have more money than you are used to and adjusting to your new purchasing power feels unnatural and goes against your instinct to be careful with money?

To analyze it, try to distinguish between a desire to save and a resistance to spending. Which is the ‘obsession’? Psychologically speaking, they are very different, even though they ultimately result in the same thing: money remains in your account and is not enjoyed.

Thinking about the desire to save: is it comforting to hold onto your money, to feel that pot growing? Does it give you a feeling of security?

Or, if you’re thinking about problems with spending, this is more about what it feels like to use the money you have, to allow yourself to have things, to enjoy the way you – or perhaps your family – do. the past couldn’t?

If you grew up in a family that criticized the wealthy and “flamboyant” spenders, this could increase your reluctance to spend money.

If that behavior were assessed, even if you had the means to afford a luxury holiday as a couple, you might feel quite torn about indulging in such a way and a voice in your head might say, ‘ Don’t be one of those people’. ‘.

If you grew up in a family that prided itself on modesty and restraint, that could also make it difficult to emulate the former wife’s spending habits.

Second, I’m wondering how you feel about the money you share with your husband. Since you’re telling me he’s a teacher, it sounds like the financial freedom you have now is a result of his ex-wife’s death (perhaps inherited money or a life insurance payout).

I wonder if it is psychologically difficult to enjoy and spend this money as freely as if it came from any other source. Could it be guilt keeping you from spending it?

I also wonder if it’s not about the money at all, but rather about the insecurities inherent in the relationship. What do these arguments achieve? Is it your way of subconsciously orchestrating a dynamic where your man says, “It’s okay, honey, we’ve had enough,” because what you really want to hear from him is, “It’s okay, honey, you are enough’?

Is the financial abundance you envy only symbolic? Perhaps you worry that your husband’s first wife was a “better wife” and seek reassurance that you are not “second best” and that he is not dissatisfied with you.

Or is it him for whom you feel ‘second best’? If you think your husband is so ‘abundant’ (you say he has ‘everything’: ‘handsome, fit and with a great sense of humour’), ​​do you think he is more entitled to the nicer things that money can provide? buy them and you earn less?

By digging deeper into what’s keeping you from enjoying the money you share with your husband, you’ll have a better chance of changing your behavior.

Money on Your Mind: The Psychology Behind Your Financial Habits by Vicky Reynal is published by Bonnier Books UK and will be released next Thursday (May 9). Pre-order now from Waterstones and get £4 off with code MoneyMind24 at checkout.