I’m in a ‘non-monogamous’ relationship – I can have sex with others but no hickeys allowed

A woman who is in a “non-monogamous” relationship with her girlfriend of five years has shared the strict “ground rules” they’ve put in place to make sure their offbeat romance works — revealing they’re allowed to have sex with other people, but sleepovers and hickeys are completely off limits.

Summer Tao, 28, a writer from Canada who now lives in South Africa, said she had known for a long time that “monogamy wasn’t for her” because she found “the idea of ​​being with one person forever both unlikely and scary.” found. ‘

When she started dating her current girlfriend Lucy Aalto in 2018, the two decided it would be best for them to have an open relationship, meaning they are “emotionally committed” to each other but “have sexual connections can have with others.

And while it hasn’t always been easy for them, the two have been in a non-monogamous relationship for five years now – and they couldn’t imagine it any other way.

Summer Tao, 28, a writer from Canada, said she had known for a long time that “monogamy wasn’t for her” because she “found the idea of ​​being with one person forever unlikely and scary.”

When she started dating her current girlfriend Lucy Aalto in 2018, the two decided that it would be best for them to have an open relationship.

“I’ve always found monogamy stifling. I want to love one person forever, but I also want my sexual freedom,” Summer wrote in an essay Insider recently.

“I am now in a happy, non-monogamous relationship with my girlfriend of five years. It’s been a long process of learning boundaries and communicating desires, but I don’t see myself in monogamous engagement anymore.”

Summer explained that she had been practicing non-monogamy for four years before she and Lucy met, and she learned from her “experience” that it’s important to be open and honest about what you want from the start.

So two months after she and Lucy started talking, they decided to talk about their “desires.”

“During the conversation, I told her that an open relationship was important to me. We discussed what that meant and we established our first set of ground rules before deciding to make it official,” she explained.

The guidelines they set include having only one other sexual partner at a time, not spending the night with their other loved ones, and making sure their outside relationships are strictly physical. Plus, hickeys from others are a big no-no.

“We consider skin blemishes very personal and see sucking as a special in-house activity,” Summer said.

“We have agreed to keep sexual activity to one person at a time unless discussed otherwise. We can’t fall in love with someone else.’

That means they are “emotionally committed” to each other, but can have “sexual connections with others.”

And while it hasn’t always been easy for them, the two have been in a non-monogamous relationship for five years now – and they couldn’t imagine it any other way

The guidelines they set include having only one other sexual partner at a time, not spending the night with their other lovers, and making sure they don’t “fall in love” with anyone else

According to Summer, communication is key to making their situation work.

She explained that she and Lucy fully support each other in getting along with other people — as long as they’re honest about it — and even “swipe through Tinder together” or gush at each other about their latest “crush.”

Summer (seen) explained that she and Lucy fully support each other in getting along with other people — as long as they’re honest about it — and they even “swipe Tinder together” or gush about their latest “crush” on each other

“When I go on a date, she knows who it is, what my interests are in the person, and what I’m up to. It’s not because she’s trying to keep an eye on me, but because we like to keep each other informed,’ she said dishonestly.

“When one of us feels uncomfortable about a behavior or an event, we talk about it, so our relationship is constantly evolving.”

“I’m proud of how much our connection has evolved. It means that Lucy and I have steadily built a relationship that is meaningful to us and us alone.”

Ultimately, she said she hopes being honest about their non-monogamous relationship will inspire others who aren’t “satisfied with one person” to give it a try.

The purpose of ethical non-monogamy is not to destroy monogamy. It’s to give options to people who can’t be happy with one person,” she concluded.

“It made me think of a way to love my girlfriend that’s as unique as we are.”