Divorce is rarely an impulsive decision. For any of you who are considering the idea of a breakup, it is common for things to fester for at least a year before taking action. But after 30 years as a divorce attorney and relationship coach, I know that if your marriage has been unhappy and unhealthy, your husband may use this time to carefully plan his exit. He will put everything in place to ensure a clean divorce settlement that benefits him more than it benefits you.
If you don’t want to be surprised, it’s wise to be alert to subtle or hidden warning signs that he may be further along in the decision-making process than you think.
Any mention of the ‘D’ word
If he brings up the D-word, even if he claims he’s joking, it could mean he’s thinking about divorce. If he casually mentions it (“Oh, if it bothers you so much, why don’t you divorce me?”), he could be discreetly gauging your reaction and rehashing the idea in his head. But more sinister is a repeated mention in the heat of an argument (“I’m so sick of this — maybe we should think about a divorce”). Try not to bring it up in the middle of an argument; instead, find a quiet moment to have a thoughtful conversation about what he meant and where your relationship stands.
He does not respond to affection and sexual intimacy
In relationship coaching, husbands often complain that the sexual spark has gone out of their marriage, and blame their wives for being unenthusiastic or unavailable. This is understandable if you’re constantly stressed, juggling responsibilities, or dealing with challenges like menopause. But if he’s shutting down and not responding to physical affection and intimacy, this is a clear sign that your marriage is falling apart. He’s probably mentally checked out and is planning his exit, imagining a life without you.
After 30 years as a divorce lawyer, I know that if your marriage is unhappy and unhealthy, your husband may be planning his exit, writes Sheela Mackintosh-Stewart
He has become clumsy with his phone
Constantly being glued to his phone, distracted, leaving the room to answer calls, and receiving texts late at night is suspicious. It is also strange to take his phone to the bathroom or hold it upside down when he was previously fine with leaving it there. This could be a sign of an affair, but it could also mean that he is planning a divorce.
Instead of assuming the worst, ask if there’s anything bothering him and listen without judgment. Discussing the issue calmly and without confrontation gives you the chance to air your concerns so you can focus on solutions instead of blame. Honest communication can help rebuild trust and strengthen your relationship.
He is involved in unusual financial activities
If he’s making unusual financial moves, like withdrawing large amounts of money, moving money between accounts, or opening new credit cards in his name only, this could be a sign that he’s siphoning off money for himself—meaning there’s less for you in the event of a divorce. This is definitely something you can and should raise. Ask him for an explanation and detailed records. You should start monitoring your accounts more closely (making copies of statements that show unusual activity) and changing passwords or consulting a financial advisor. If you’re really concerned, you should notify your banks and consider hiring a lawyer to take legal action, if necessary, to prevent your spouse from moving or squandering assets.
He asks unusual questions
If he is considering divorce, he may start to examine details of household bills, subscriptions, insurance policies, or household expenses to get an idea of how much he will have to pay. This sudden curiosity about financial and logistical matters can be a warning sign that he is preparing for divorce and may be planning to leave the marriage.
He plans secret meetings
If he leaves his home or work for unexplained meetings, watch for emails, calendar entries, or documents related to law firms or real estate agents. One client’s husband asked for a list of her appointments that week (she later discovered he wanted to make sure she wasn’t home when he invited a real estate agent to appraise their home). Another client found “family law attorneys” in his home computer’s search history.
Strange spending patterns
If he is not normally an extravagant man, be suspicious if he starts buying expensive gifts, making large, unexplained purchases, or giving overly lavish gifts (valuable artwork, rare collectibles, fine wines) to friends or family for no apparent reason. This may be part of a strategy to squander marital assets.
Lipstick on his collar
If he’s set on a divorce, he may become less rigorous about hiding an affair, and you’re more likely to find strange scratches on his back or someone else’s earring in your bed. He may become sloppy, or he may try to talk you into starting legal proceedings. One client found a first draft of a love letter – to his mistress – crumpled up in the trash.
As told to Louise Atkinson