A Utah mother has revealed why she never asks her children to “help” with chores or daily tasks around the house.
Sam Kelly, a former therapist turned feminist coach for mothers, shares three children — Hero, 11, Goldie, nine, and Shepard, six — with her husband, Chas Kelly.
After years of trying to “do it all,” she battles the… patriarchal expectations placed on mothers by changing the way they talk to their children about managing their homes.
In an interview with Good morning AmericaSam, 38, shared why she made the conscious decision to stop asking for 'help' with housework.
Sam Kelly, 38, from Utah, shared in an interview with Good Morning America why she never asks her kids to 'help' with chores
The former therapist turned feminist coach for mothers shares three children — Hero, 11, Goldie, nine, and Shepard, six — with her husband, Chas Kelly
She explained that Chas had always been a “very supportive” partner, but she still struggled with the invisible labor she was taking on.
She confronted the inequality in their marriage about 18 months ago after reaching her breaking point.
The conversations they had about dividing the running of their household more fairly made her realize that she was repeating the same pattern with her children.
“It's a Friday night and I sit down to make a list, a list of Saturday chores for my kids, and I'm like, 'What am I doing? I'm doing for my kids the exact same thing I just did. have spent.” “I spent the last year of my life trying to unlearn with my husband,” she recalls.
Sam has since changed the language she uses with her children, an initiative she shared with her nearly 60,000 followers Instagram.
“I try to never use 'help' when talking about managing a home,” she explained in a recent post.
“When we say things like 'helping mother,' we imply that it is the mother who actually owns the job of managing the home and that everyone else is just 'helping' her in that role.
'But that's the message we're trying to deconstruct here. It is not the job or role of a mother to be the one in charge of everything for the home and family, while everyone else just pitches in and helps here and there. Managing a home is 100 percent teamwork.”
Sam has replaced the word “help” with “work” and will now ask her children, “Hey, can you come work with me and unload the dishwasher?”
She noted that “the use of the word 'work' also conveys the message that the things involved in managing a home are actually work.”
Sam challenges the patriarchal expectations placed on mothers by changing the way she talks to her children about managing their home, asking them to 'work' with her rather than 'help'
“When we say things like 'helping mother' we imply that it is the mother who has the actual say in running the house,” she explained on Instagram
Sam's post about teaching children about the invisible burden of managing a home has received more than 66,000 likes and almost 2,000 comments
'Labeling it as work does not have to be negative. In fact, it is healthy for children to view work as morally neutral and as something they can become familiar with,” she added.
“Increasing their tolerance for a comfort level with work, simply by using the word 'work' versus 'help' will increase their resilience.” So let's just call it this: they don't help you. They work with you.”
Sam told GMA that she also teaches her children to “notice what needs to be done around the house” and then “do it” — a system she calls “noticing and doing.”
Instead of giving them a specific task, she will ask them to 'look around the kitchen and pick one thing to notice and do.”
“If we don't have conversations with our children about what this is and teach them how to notice what needs to be done in a home, instead of just waiting for the mother or the woman in the house to do the invisible work… .then the cycle keeps repeating itself,” she explained.
Sam's post about teaching children about the invisible burden of managing a home has received more than 66,000 likes and almost 2,000 comments.
However, the mother's opinion was met with mixed opinions, with some fans loving the concept and others claiming that asking for help will get you nowhere.
'This is lame. It is absolutely the parents' job to manage and supervise their home.” And the children really 'help'. And helping someone is not demeaning or negative,” one person responded.
'This is a very important distinction. I have done this with both children and I have one [14-year-old and 12-year-old] and they do all their own laundry, vacuum and clean their bathroom, and everyone has one cooking day a week,” another shared. 'This really gives them strength and thus they contribute to the team that runs a house.'
'Uhhh no. The parental figures are responsible for the household,” someone else argued. 'The children learn to complete tasks and help in a healthy way, but a child should never be made to feel that it is his responsibility to be in charge of the home, or as if he has the same responsibility as the parents. That is parentifying a child.'