A sexologist has listed the seven biggest mistakes couples make in the bedroom after a decade in the sex industry – and revealed how you can transform your sex life in just 28 days.
Kiki Mareean inclusive sex educator specializing in female sexuality and intimate relationships, offering internationally recognized certified training in therapeutic Yoni massage and somatic sex coaching.
The CEO of the Yonilicious AcademyKiki, who has a degree in sexology, is also a trauma-informed therapist and offers a holistic and highly informed approach to sex education.
‘By making an intentional effort, couples can overcome bedroom mistakes and rekindle passion and intimacy’ Kiki told FEMAIL.
‘Remember that the key is open communication, experimentation and mutual respect.
“Educate yourself and meIf any of the points below seem too difficult to address, or there are deep-seated issues or concerns, seeking therapy or coaching may be helpful.”
Kiki Maree is an inclusive sex educator specializing in female sexuality and intimate relationships
1. Lack of communication
One of the biggest mistakes is not communicating about desires, boundaries and needs. Without an open conversation, partners often make assumptions, which can lead to dissatisfaction and even tolerance in sex (which then leads to aversion to sex).
2. Routine monotony
Many couples get stuck in a routine and do the same things at the same time and in the same place. This can undermine the excitement and passion of a relationship.
3. Neglecting foreplay
Many couples rush the process, but foreplay is essential for building intimacy and ensuring that both partners are sufficiently aroused. I actually like to think of foreplay as sex, which can eliminate the idea that sex is only valid if there is penetration and orgasm.
One of the biggest mistakes is not communicating about desires, boundaries and needs. Without an open conversation, partners often make assumptions, which can lead to dissatisfaction and even tolerance in sex (which then leads to aversion to sex)
4. Allow distractions
Whether it’s the TV, phones, or other devices, distractions can keep couples from connecting on a deeper level.
5. Avoiding vulnerability
Being vulnerable allows for deeper connection, intimacy, and important conversations, but many avoid this for fear of conflict, rejection, or judgment. This can cause things to remain unsaid and fester, creating a block to true intimacy.
6. Purposeful sex where penetration and orgasm are the goals
This can be problematic for a myriad of reasons, ranging from fear of failure to people not really enjoying penetrative sex. However, if we shift the goal from orgasm to the other things we want to experience in sex, such as intimacy, pleasure, adventure, slowness, and spiciness, the overall experience can become much more expansive and satisfying.
7. Ignoring the ‘golden rule’
Approaching sexual intimacy with our loved one the same way we want to be approached doesn’t always work. This is because we all have unique individual needs. The same can be said about approaching sexuality with a new partner the same way we did with a previous lover, since all bodies are different (and previous lovers may have failed in their pleasure, so it’s best to start over).
Being vulnerable creates deeper connection, intimacy and important conversations, but many avoid this for fear of conflict, rejection or judgment
How to overhaul your sex life in 28 days
Week 1: Open the lines of communication
– Start an open conversation about your desires, what you want more of in terms of sex, boundaries, consent, safe words and any concerns you have.
– Discuss past experiences that you would like to relive (if it is safe for you to do so), things you have heard of and would like to experience, or some of your fantasies. Constantly remind each other that judgment has no place in the safe space you create for each other.
– Create a post-intimacy “check-in” system (leaving quite a bit of space between the session and the check-in) to discuss what felt good, what you learned, and what didn’t get you super excited.
– Create an intimacy menu together, or you can use resources like books or trusted online guides for ideas of things to introduce to your partner’s pleasure.
– Discuss how long you want to keep penetrative sex off the table while you explore together and re-tune your nervous systems to this new way of being intimate with each other (if that’s what you want to do at all).
Week 2: Discover and experiment
– Create a pleasure zone somewhere in your home or bedroom with candles, nice scents, lubricant, upholstery, feathers and other sex toys.
– Introduce one of the things from your intimacy menu.
– Experiment with changing the environment – try a different room or setting.
– Experiment with other toys.
However, if we shift the goal from orgasm to the other things we want to experience in sex, such as intimacy, pleasure, adventure, slowness, and spiciness, the overall experience can become much more expansive and satisfying.
Week 3: Prioritize foreplay and connection
– Dedicate one session to exploring each other’s bodies, avoiding the sexual organs, and one session to exploring the sexual organs, both without the intention of causing arousal.
– Dedicate one session just to foreplay, but this time with the intention of exploring each other’s bodies, but without the pressure to reach a climax (if that happens, that’s fine).
– Introduce sensory play, such as using blindfolds, feathers or light restraints (with permission).
– If it feels good, bring penetration back to the table (if you’ve taken it off, and if you and your partner are into it/enjoy it), making sure to build up to the point of having a huge desire for penetration .
Week 4: Continuous growth
– For example, spend quality time outside the bedroom during dates, to build an emotional connection.
– Establish a ‘no distraction’ rule during intimacy. Keep devices out of the room as much as possible (get that dopamine hit from each other!).
– Make sure you talk about your sex life regularly. Promise to continue discovering, experimenting and communicating.
You can contact Kiki Maree here